One month

I made it through the day today. The anticipation seemed worse than the day itself. I took Eric to work and then went to the cemetery before I went to work. It was wet and muddy so I took a blanket. It was a pretty nice day today, warm and sunny for most of the day. I sat on the blanket and talked to Sydney. I hadn't really done that much before, at least not out loud. I'm not sure why.

Tomorrow night, I'm going to my first support group at the hospital where I delivered. I'm a little nervous about it. We don't have a sitter, so I'm going alone while Eric stays with the kids. I wish he could go too. I guess we'll see how it goes. There is also a group at a Christian store about 5 minutes from my house. They meet next week. I might try that one too, since it is closer.

Overall, I guess I'm doing okay. I just feel so blah. I don't think I'm depressed, like clinical depression. I know I'm depressed, as in really sad, crying a lot, etc. But unlike past depressions, I get out of bed everyday, I go to work, I do what I need to. It's hard. I'm in survival mode right now, I think. I really have no desire to feel better. I've been taking an anti-depressant since I was in the hospital and I think that's the one thing keeping me from going over the edge right now. I feel like I'm constantly on the brink of a major breakdown and I won't be able to function even at the most basic level if that happens. I feel so isolated and lonely. Nobody calls to check on me anymore, nobody brings up Sydney, they all seem to have moved on and I'm stuck. I wish I had someone to talk to that understood and didn't make me feel like a freak for feeling the way I do and I didn't feel like I was burdening them with my problems.

Ugh, another night of restless sleep. I barely sleep. I'm so exhausted, but it's so hard for me to fall asleep and stay asleep. Then I come home from work and fall asleep too early and wake up, then I can't sleep at night. Today I slept from about 4:30-6:30, which was so stupid. I'm tired now, but I know I'll lay down in bed and toss and turn. Bedtime was always the time that I felt Sydney kicking and rolling around inside of me. :( She should still be in there, kicking me in the ribs and sitting on my bladder and that should be what keeps me awake at night. Not this.

Have I mentioned that it seriously pisses me off to hear other women complain about their pregnancies? I'd give anything to have those discomforts. :(