Sunday, March 1, 2009

So lonely

I miss my baby. I barely knew her, only carried her for 20 weeks inside of me and held her in my arms for her short 2 hour life, but I miss her so much. I feel so empty, more empty than I ever thought possible. I ache to have my baby back inside of my womb, to feel her kick and wiggle again, to look forward to seeing her little face in June, to pick out little dresses and sleepers for her. My arms ache for her. My breasts leak milk meant for her. My soul and my heart are shattered into a million pieces and even if I manage to put them back together, one huge piece will be missing.

Instead of happy expectation, I'm left with questions that can't be answered. Why? That's the constant question in my mind. WHY? Why my baby? Why my family? Why did Sydney's life end before it really even began? Why do I have to bear this pain? Why can't my body just work right instead of failing? Why do I have to help my other children understand this when I don't understand it?

I feel such terrible guilt over what has happened. My body failed. My only job was to carry Sydney so she could grow and develop and I couldn't do it. She depended on me for life and I let her down. When my husband or children cry and tell me that they miss her, I just want to tell them, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let us all down and that our lives will never be the same.

I feel so lonely and isolated. I think that people are starting to distance themselves from us, from me. Maybe my grief is a burden to them. Maybe they blame me too. I feel like I have nobody to talk to. On one message board that I post on, it seems that everybody is pregnant or has a new baby. It hurts so badly because I was supposed to be one of the happily expecting moms too. I have no idea where to turn or how to reach out for help. I've reached out to a couple of moms here and there. I've been reading a lot of blogs and I feel the pain of the other moms who have lost their babies too. I hate that so many others know this pain, some of them multiple times. It doesn't help that I'm almost painfully shy when it comes to meeting new people and I am always unsure of myself, so I worry about bothering people with my problems. This is my outlet, even if I'm talking to myself. I can barely handle talking to Eric because he is also hurting so much, it hurts me even more to hear the pain in his voice or see it in his eyes. I don't feel like this pain will ever get any better.


Jen said...

(((Jaime))) I went through a lot of the same emotions when we lost Zachary. It is hard to not feel responsible, but it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Please try to believe that. The only reason for you to feel guilty for this is if you INTENDED for it to happen and you surely didn't :*(. Please, please don't blame yourself. I know how it is to hurt when you see pregnant women and babies. My cousin, a year older than me, had her 2nd baby a month before Zachary was born and she didn't even have custody of her older daughter (she lost custody of the baby as well when she was 2 months old). Here she was, an unfit mother of 2 healthy babies and there I was grieving the loss of my firstborn that I desperately wanted and loved. It just was NOT fair. I know how you're hurting. I wish I could make it stop :*(. I'm here if you need anything. I know you don't really know me, but I'm a good listener. It's good that you have this outlet (the blog). I hope it helps you find a little bit of peace. ((((( )))))

Jen said...

Jaime, I realized you might have no idea who I was and just wanted to pop back in and let you know that I post on the CD board with you!

Jaime said...

Thanks for your kind words, Jen (I did know who you were, I read your blog often). I am so sorry that you have gone through this and lost your sweet Zachary.