Tuesday, March 10, 2009

One month

I made it through the day today. The anticipation seemed worse than the day itself. I took Eric to work and then went to the cemetery before I went to work. It was wet and muddy so I took a blanket. It was a pretty nice day today, warm and sunny for most of the day. I sat on the blanket and talked to Sydney. I hadn't really done that much before, at least not out loud. I'm not sure why.

Tomorrow night, I'm going to my first support group at the hospital where I delivered. I'm a little nervous about it. We don't have a sitter, so I'm going alone while Eric stays with the kids. I wish he could go too. I guess we'll see how it goes. There is also a group at a Christian store about 5 minutes from my house. They meet next week. I might try that one too, since it is closer.

Overall, I guess I'm doing okay. I just feel so blah. I don't think I'm depressed, like clinical depression. I know I'm depressed, as in really sad, crying a lot, etc. But unlike past depressions, I get out of bed everyday, I go to work, I do what I need to. It's hard. I'm in survival mode right now, I think. I really have no desire to feel better. I've been taking an anti-depressant since I was in the hospital and I think that's the one thing keeping me from going over the edge right now. I feel like I'm constantly on the brink of a major breakdown and I won't be able to function even at the most basic level if that happens. I feel so isolated and lonely. Nobody calls to check on me anymore, nobody brings up Sydney, they all seem to have moved on and I'm stuck. I wish I had someone to talk to that understood and didn't make me feel like a freak for feeling the way I do and I didn't feel like I was burdening them with my problems.

Ugh, another night of restless sleep. I barely sleep. I'm so exhausted, but it's so hard for me to fall asleep and stay asleep. Then I come home from work and fall asleep too early and wake up, then I can't sleep at night. Today I slept from about 4:30-6:30, which was so stupid. I'm tired now, but I know I'll lay down in bed and toss and turn. Bedtime was always the time that I felt Sydney kicking and rolling around inside of me. :( She should still be in there, kicking me in the ribs and sitting on my bladder and that should be what keeps me awake at night. Not this.

Have I mentioned that it seriously pisses me off to hear other women complain about their pregnancies? I'd give anything to have those discomforts. :(

1 comment:

Diz said...

No one has forgotten my friend. They just don't know what to say or how to say it. They feel awkward, and they don't realize that maybe it helps you to talk about Sydney. They don't understand that you long to hear her name on their lips.

Don't lose heart. Sydney is on their minds and you are too.