Saturday, March 27, 2010


I've been scarce lately. I haven't blogged, I haven't gone to support groups. I felt the need to separate myself from sadness. I feel badly for that. But sometimes, it is just so overwhelming to hear all the things that can and do happen to babies every day, especially while I'm trying to grow a new baby.

The pregnancy is going well. I'll be 13 weeks tomorrow. As time passes, I only get more anxious. I still haven't gotten a definite answer from my OB about a cerclage, but we will discuss it again this week. My blood pressure has been high and I'm feeling very stressed. I'm on an emotional roller coaster, as I try to reconcile my grief for Sydney with the desire for this new baby. I feel like everybody around me is just waiting for it to happen again, that nobody is genuinely happy about this baby or expected us to have a living child after this pregnancy is over. Maybe that's just paranoia. I want to be clueless, I want to be naive. But I can't and I hate that. I have no control over the outcome of this pregnancy and that is making me nuts.