Saturday, October 17, 2009

Sydney's Collage

Thank you to Franchesca at Abiding Hope Collages for Sydney's Collage.

Here it is:

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Sydney's candle

Tonight I went to my Glory Babies meeting and lit candles with my friend Jen. This is the candle I made for Sydney.

Eric also lit a candle at home.

October 15th

Tonight I will light candles in memory of Sydney and my other two early loss angels, as well as for the babies of all of my baby lost mama friends. I love you all and I'm thinking of your sweet angels today.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Our weekend

Last weekend, I hoped for an uneventful, relaxing weekend. That was not to be. On Friday night, Hailey seemed to be breathing funny--a little too fast, a little hard. I called the pediatrician and he said to keep an eye on her. Saturday morning, we woke up a little before 7. Hailey came into my room and she was loudly wheezing and really struggling to breathe. I freaked out and we headed to the nearest ER. They got her stabilized with breathing treatments and transferred her to one of our local children's hospitals. She stayed there for two nights, on oxygen, monitors, breathing treatments, steroids. By Monday morning, she was as good as new and we finally brought her home. She's going to have further testing to see if she has asthma or if this was some weird reaction to a virus.

Do you know how nervewracking it is to have a very sick child after losing a child? It was hell, to put it simply. I was terrified. I felt so vulnerable. The worst has happened to us--who says it can't happen again? I was a complete wreck, just trying to keep it together for her. I prayed over and over, pleaded with God to let her be okay, to not take another of my babies. I've had a hard time sleeping because I'm worried she'll stop breathing in her sleep.

When I had to be induced with Sydney, after the Pitocin was hooked up, the IV pump kept malfunctioning and beeping. Saturday morning in the ER, Hailey got an IV and the pump malfunctioned and started beeping. That totally set me off and I got really panicky and upset. There were so many moments in the hospital that I just wanted to scoop up my girl and run away.

Hailey is such a sweetheart. She told EVERYBODY we encountered all about her baby sister. During one breathing treatment, the first respiratory therapist asked her if she had brothers and she put up one finger. Then she asked if she had sisters and again, she put up one finger. The therapist said, I have a sister too, aren't sisters a pain in the butt? Hailey shook her head emphatically. The therapist said, oh your sister isn't a pain? Do you want to trade? Again, Hailey shook her head. Right about then, her treatment was done. As soon as she could talk again, she said, Do you know why I can't trade my baby sister? Because she is in Heaven. She died. The therapist looked like she wanted to crawl under a rock. At first, I considered shutting her up, but then as she kept going, I figured she deserved whatever Hailey said to her. I don't expect people to know we have a dead baby, but they also need to think about it before they run their mouths. Why would you even ask a 6 year old if their sister was a pain in the butt? That's just rude even if the sister in question was alive and well, IMO.