Monday, March 16, 2009

The flower

Yesterday, Eric and I took the kids to the cemetery for the first time. We took some things to decorate Sydney's grave for Easter/spring. We put everything up and then we sat for an hour or so. When we were getting ready to leave, Eric and I were standing at the foot of the grave, looking down. Somehow I missed it at first, but just then I saw a tiny purple flower growing at the head of the grave. I thought maybe it had fallen off the flowers we brought or the ones we'd just taken off so I reached down and checked. Sure enough, it was growing up from the ground. It was amazing. I really feel that it is a sign from Sydney.

Eric works near the cemetery so he's going to go back today and take some pictures, including one of the flower. I forgot my camera yesterday. I forget everything lately, I'm so distracted. Even writing this post, I wandered away a few times and came back. I'm trying really hard to not expect too much of myself right now. I'm in my last semester of school for my associate's degree and even though it was really hard for me to accept, I dropped two of my courses. I'm just not up to managing a full load right now. I hope to maintain my GPA with the 2 courses I'm completing because I'd hate to blow it at this point. I'm taking the summer off, then starting the last two years of my bachelor's degree in the fall.

I've also decided that if something is too hard for me to deal with, I'm not dealing with it and people will have to accept that. I may not participate in the family's Easter celebration. I am almost definitely not attending a family wedding in May (two of my cousins have small babies, born in November and January). I have a good excuse for the wedding though. It is on Eric's birthday and it is also Mother's Day. I'll send a gift with my parents and not worry about it. I'm trying to decide what to do for Christian and Hailey for Easter. I have to manage that for them, but it's hard. I keep telling myself, this wouldn't have been Sydney's first Easter anyway, she was due in June. It's still hard. Yesterday at the cemetery, Christian asked what we'll do for Sydney at Christmas. He asked, "Will we bring her presents here?" :*( I told him that Sydney will get a different present than him and Hailey. We are going to buy a brick at the Angel of Hope for the fall dedication for her.

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