Friday, April 10, 2009

Two months

First off, I'm home from the hospital. Surgery went very well and the gallbladder was in really bad shape. My surgeon said I should feel a lot better now. I'm not in a lot of pain, just a little sore. I was so glad to get out of the hospital. I have an anxiety about being in hospitals now.

Today is two months since Sydney was born. I can't believe it has already been two months, but sometimes it also seems like forever. This morning, I woke up around 3:45 and couldn't fall back to sleep so I watched the clock until 4:30. I called Eric and we talked for a little bit. Then I hung up to go to the bathroom. When I came out, my whole room smelled like Sydney. I settled into bed, turned off all the lights and started talking to her. A minute later, it felt like someone was holding my hand. I opened my eyes and of course, nothing was there. I told Sydney I love her and miss her and I fell asleep peacefully then. It was a very cool feeling and I love knowing that she is with me when I need her. I am so blessed to be that little girl's mommy.

Eric and I went to the hospital support group on Wednesday night. He said he was really glad he went and that it really helped him. When I go and hear the other stories, I realize that I am really lucky. So many of the moms had stillbirths or they were too sick to hold their babies or even see them. I got to hold Sydney for her entire two hours of life, I got to hear her heartbeat with the nurse's stethoscope, I got to feel her little hand grip my finger and see her move around. I wish she could've opened her eyes. I am so grateful to the Lord that He gave us that time with her. She could've easily not survived the labor and delivery, or only lived for a few minutes, which were both so likely at only 20 weeks. I guess in a situation like this, you have to be able to find the good things and rejoice in those.


Inanna said...

I envy your "living" time with her, I do. Can't say I don't. But I'm so glad you had it, mama. So very glad.

Foreverloves said...

I saw your comment on Youtube and saw you have a blog. I do also, so I added you so I could follow you. I waited 8 months before I tried to get pregnant again (through the use of IVF) and I did honestly want to wait longer. But I went through a period of time when I thought I was really wanting another baby. The best thing I did was wait a little longer - past the time when I felt that strong urge. I was glad that I did. Every person is different though. You will know when you are ready to do this.

I'm so so sorry for your loss.