Sunday, April 19, 2009

My bear

Sydney's casket came with a little bear like the one pictured here. We chose to have the bear buried with her. This week a new friend from the support group at the hospital mentioned that her son had the same casket and bear and she had ordered extra bears to keep. I had no idea that was possible, so first thing the next day, I called the funeral home we used to ask about it. They called me back and said that yes, they could get the bear but I'd have to pay for it. I said, no problem, I want it. On Thursday they called to tell me it was in so Friday after work, I went to pick it up. They didn't even charge me for it after all! I thought that was so kind of them. I am so excited to have a bear just like Sydney has, I can't really explain it.

I have quite the little bear collection going now. I have the little tiny bear that Sydney was holding at the hospital on our last day together. Then I bought a big bear that I dressed in what was supposed to be Sydney's coming home outfit and I cuddle with both every night. I feel a little crazy saying that I dressed a bear in clothes and, um, wrap it in a matching blanket. But I think I'm bordering on insanity right now, so whatever. Last night I added the new bear to my sleep collection, but I don't think I'll sleep with it regularly. I don't want it to get all ratty looking. We're going to put up a shelf in the living room to set out some of our mementos so I am going to set the bear on that when it is ready. Maybe I can get Eric to work on that for me as a Mother's Day present or something.

I'm working on idea for my tattoo. I plan to get Sydney's footprints, her name, and birthdate tattooed, probably on the back of my shoulder. I have been thinking about doing it on my due date, but I'm starting to get impatient and antsy, so I'm thinking about moving it up to Mothers Day weekend. Eric is getting a matching tattoo and Mother's Day is also his birthday so that sort of works out. I don't know if I want to make a plan like that, something that means so much to me, for the due date in case I'm a complete wreck that day. I'm sure I will be. Maybe I'm just being impatient and rationalizing it. I really just want her imprinted on me forever, for others to see, ASAP.


Kyles said...

We were given a bear we named Bluey when we were in hospital. I am sure most people think we are strange but we now take Bluey everywhere. While it often makes us sad to think we carry a bear instead of Sophie we get a lot of love and laughter out of snapping him doing fun things wherever we go.

Thinking of you and Sydney

Bree said...

I too have a bear that I was given in the hospital. That damn bear pissed me off at first. I didn't get to leave the hosital with my baby, I got a bear instead. But, now I'm glad I have it. I often swadle it in the blanket Ella was wrapped in just after birth and hold it. I know it sounds so weird, but that lost baby moms get it.