Thursday, April 30, 2009


Time just keeps moving and taking me along with it. I'm coming closer to June and I don't want it to come. June was the month I dreamed about for 4 months, picturing my sweet baby girl and guessing what day she would actually be born. Yet, here I sit, without my angel and she has already been gone almost 3 months.

The 10th of the month is Sydney's day. In May, the 10th is also Eric's birthday and Mother's day. What a cruel joke. How can I celebrate Mother's day when only two of my three children are with me? How can I feel worthy of celebration when I am consumed by thoughts of how I let Sydney down? It has been such a hard month this month. I just want it to get easier. I want to sleep through the night and not cry at random or cry myself to sleep anymore. Yet at the same time, I don't want it to go away. I don't want to stop feeling this pain and missing her so much. Everything I do is colored with my grief. I have my college graduation coming up and I'm dreading that because I was supposed to be hugely pregnant at graduation. I feel like I will never stop thinking about what I should've had, where I should be, how old she would be.

I deleted all the songs off my iPod this week and replaced them with songs about death, Heaven, and loss. It fits my mood. I need my music to fit my mood. Right now I am stuck in this dark desolate place, alone with my grief and pain. I don't know how to get out and I don't know how to let anybody in. People keep asking, what can I do to help? I have no idea. I wish someone could think of something that would help me. I don't think there is anything that can be done to help though.

I saw my OB again this week. He did a repeat for the culture that was messed up. I also asked him to go back over the bloodwork results. I have several issues it seems. I am heterozygous for MTHFR C677T mutation, have a positive ANA with a titer of 1:160, have elevated Protein C activity, and a low thrombin time on my lupus anticoagulant. I have no idea what the last 3 mean. I know a little about MTHFR. The doctor was very encouraging about another pregnancy when I saw him before, but now he thinks it wouldn't be a good idea. *sigh* When I say he was encouraging, I mean he told me to have one period and then start trying to get pregnant. WTF? Why the big change? He drives me nuts. I'm seeing the maternal fetal medicine specialist for a consult on May 20. It was supposed to be May 6, but I'm going away for work now so I rescheduled.

I wish I could wake up and find out that the last 11 weeks have all been a nightmare and it is still February and Sydney is still safe inside of me. Though apparently she wasn't all that safe. :(

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