Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Birth of an angel

The other night, Eric and I were talking about Sydney, which is almost all we talk about these days. I told him that my pregnancy with her wasn't like my other two pregnancies and that I was sure that everything was going to be okay up until that fateful day I went to the hospital.

While I was pregnant with Christian, I drove myself into anxiety attacks, always worried about his well-being. I truly think my OB wanted to smack me sometimes. He banned me from my pregnancy books and put me on Prozac. I was a mess the entire time. With Hailey, I think my worry was warranted since there was a point when we didn't know if I could make it to viability due to my blood pressure. Obviously, I don't have the best obstetrical history.

With Sydney, it was different. In the beginning, I was a mess, I will admit that. I thought we were done having babies and I was terrified of what another pregnancy would do to my health. But from the moment I first saw her little beating heart on the ultrasound machine at 6 weeks, a feeling of peace came over me. I had occasional twinges of worry here and there, especially just before my 12 week appointment, but otherwise, I just knew that she would be ok. It was a nice feeling, to be so serene and happy and pregnant. When questions came up about our future and how Sydney would fit in, I just said, I'm not sure yet, we'll work it out. And that was the truth. I wasn't sure of the logistics of it all, but I knew it would be okay.

That kind of thinking is not me at all. I'm the worrier, the planner, the one who makes lists and budgets and drives herself into a frenzy about things like cloth or disposable diapers. I'm not the type of person who is optimistic enough to say, it will all work out and not figure out how to make it work out. The peace that I felt only came when Sydney was with me and I attribute it to her presence. When Sydney was born, I realized what a pure and perfect soul she is. Even though I knew I was losing her, I was able to stay calm while she was with us. When I wanted to lose it, I held it together for her. For those two hours, I was truly in the presence of an angel. Even now when I feel her near me, I feel peace and calmness even in my darkest moments.

When I told Eric these things the other night, he said to me, "Maybe that's how angels are born." Maybe he's right. I don't know why God picked my baby to be an angel and I'll probably never know. But I thank Him everyday for picking me to be her mommy. If I could go back and do it all over again, knowing how it would end, I would still choose to have my Sydney in my life.

1 comment:

Inanna said...

"If I could go back and do it all over again, knowing how it would end, I would still choose to have my Sydney in my life."

I feel the same. I don't know why, it sounds crazy to say outloud, but I do.