Monday, April 6, 2009

Some pictures and some rambling thoughts

I've had a really rough few days. Every time I think I am making some progress, I fall further back. On Saturday, I received an email from a friend on a lap band board. It helped me so much and actually brought me a sense of peace for a little bit. I was touched that she chose to reach out to me and I truly think that the Lord was working through her. I wish I could maintain that feeling from Saturday, but it is so hard.

Easter is coming and I really don't want to face it. Well, more like I really don't want to face certain family members because I'm angry with them and they think I should "get over it" and move on. We usually have Easter brunch with my in laws during the late morning and then stop my mom's house. I am really angry with Eric's grandmother over some things that happened while I was in the hospital and I think it would be better if I avoided her altogether. Since I'm having surgery three days before Easter, I figured I had an easy out. I asked my mother in law to take the kids the day before Easter so I can rest while Eric works and they can go to their school's Easter egg hunt. She agreed so I figured that could be their Easter with her, no big deal. Well, Eric and I ended up in a fight because my MIL was "confused" and thought I said Sunday. Eric just went with it and was planning to take the kids to his grandma's house on Easter and leave me alone. Nice, very nice. Such a considerate caring man. *sigh*

So things are not going well here at all. I feel like my entire life will never be the same, that my marriage is going to fall apart, that my living children will grow up resenting me because I can't be everything they need right now, that everything I've worked for over the last few years is going to go to crap because I'm hurting so much.

Yesterday, I took the kids to Hailey's best friend's birthday party. Despite the kids (especially Hailey) begging me to stay, I had to leave. Right next to the party we were with was a baby girl's 1st birthday party. There were at least 3 cute little girls around probably 6-18 months. Plus there was a very pregnant woman at the party we were at and the hostess announced that she was due that exact day and they were afraid she would go into labor right there. For my sanity, I left the kids there and came home for a while. When I got home, I did the only thing I could think of--I got on my knees and prayed. I prayed for mercy, for forgiveness, I threw myself at the Lord's feet and laid it all out to Him. I told Him that He is the only one I can turn to, the only one who can help me. I feel like a bad child who has made her parent angry. I feel like He has turned His back on me.

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. I was at a store and had Hailey with me. Someone asked me if I was having a boy or a girl and I said, I am having a boy. They said, oh you'll have one of each and I responded with, I also have another boy at home so I'll have two boys and a girl. I woke up feeling very sad. First because I feel like I was forsaking Sydney in my dream. I will ALWAYS have at least two daughters. Second, I realized that nobody will ever realize that there is another member of our family when they meet us, that it will always seem like we only have two (or three at some point, God willing) children instead of one more. That makes me very sad. I want Sydney's life to have an impact. I don't want her life and death to have been for no reason. I feel like nobody else will ever realize what a special child she was/is. Above all, I feel so blessed to be her mommy and to be in her life. I'm also so grateful that she was in my life because she has changed me in so many ways.

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