Friday, April 17, 2009


That sums me up in one word. Broken. I have a broken heart, a broken soul, a broken reproductive system. I can't concentrate, I barely sleep. I wish I was one of those people who doesn't want to eat when they are upset, but I'm the opposite. I want to eat everything.

I find myself wondering how much sadness and despair one person can handle before they just wither up and die. It seems like everyday the pain and emptiness grows. It has now been 66 days since I held my girl, since she lived and then died. It has been 65 days since I held my angel's tiny lifeless body in my arms and said goodbye to her. If this is how it feels to live a mere 66 days without her, how do I live the rest of my life? I see other parents who have been through this and they are a year out, two years, three years, twenty-five years, and they are still living and breathing, but they still say that the pain is still there, beneath the surface. I think that those people must be so much stronger than I am because I really don't know how I can survive this. Doesn't God realize that I'm too fragile for this? my psyche barely stays balanced under normal circumstances. I've battled depression, mixed with post-partum depression, since I was 12-13 years old. The last few years, I've just really gotten a hold on it and been able to cope with my own emotions. And then this. Like I said, I'm broken.

Last week when I went in for my surgery, my blood pressure was high. It hasn't been considered high or even borderline since about this time last year, when I'd lost the first 50 pounds after my Lap Band surgery. I was panicked at first and then I figured out what was going on. I went on birth control pills back in March. My OB told me that he'd let me try them, but if my blood pressure went up, I needed to stop taking them. That's why I wasn't on some type of birth control after my surgery last year (most doctors require it because it isn't ideal to get pregnant while you're in the rapid weight loss stage and losing weight apparently makes you super fertile). I called the OB's office and talked to them. He said to stop it immediately. They also didn't yet have my test results. When I went in for my 6 week checkup, I had 10 vials of blood drawn for various tests and a culture of Mycoplasma, which might be the underlying cause of the infection that I had. It will be three weeks on Monday and I have no results. Now I'm in limbo. Part of me wants to get pregnant so badly. The other part, the logical part, knows that we need to wait. At the very least, I need those test results. After that, I don't know. It isn't going to happen unless it is God's will for it to happen, so sometimes I just think we should leave it to Him to decide. I'm scared though. I also feel like I'm betraying Sydney to even consider another baby. I hope that she knows why I feel the way I do and that another baby would never replace her, not in our family or in our hearts. Maybe I'm just crazy to ever think that we could be so lucky to have a successful pregnancy and not just have another tragedy. If I'm broken now, I cannot even imagine how I would be if I lost a second baby. :(

1 comment:

Foreverloves said...

1- you are NOT betraying Sydney, but honestly, if you are waiting for that feeling to go away, I don't think it will. It hasn't gone away for me, and yes, I am pregnant again.

2- you will hear this a lot. You will not believe it. But I will say it anyway. You will survive it. You will. How? I don't know. I just don't. Maybe you will need meds - and that is okay. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I just can't say HOW you will manage, but you will. I felt as you did; that I could never manage. But I really did manage. I don't know how. It was not through some act of God or my family or because I'm "strong". Maybe a combo of all of that.

3- you will make yourself nuts thinking about another loss. Yes, you will. And that fear will never go away, even if you become pregnant again. Just because you try to get pregnant doesn't mean you magically believe all will be right. The chances are very good that they WILL be, but who cares about stats, right? Me neither.

When the time is right, these words (told to me by others) will have strong meaning for you. Someone said to me, "If a year ago, I told you that you would carry a child inside of you and that child would be born and then die, you would have looked at me and said, 'Oh no...I could never bear that...I'd shoot myself.' But you haven't shot yourself. You get out of bed every single day. You are surviving - perhaps not glamorously, but you are surviving. And believe it or not, if it happened again...just like you thought you could 'never' make it through, you WOULD make it through."