Time

Time just keeps moving and taking me along with it. I'm coming closer to June and I don't want it to come. June was the month I dreamed about for 4 months, picturing my sweet baby girl and guessing what day she would actually be born. Yet, here I sit, without my angel and she has already been gone almost 3 months.

The 10th of the month is Sydney's day. In May, the 10th is also Eric's birthday and Mother's day. What a cruel joke. How can I celebrate Mother's day when only two of my three children are with me? How can I feel worthy of celebration when I am consumed by thoughts of how I let Sydney down? It has been such a hard month this month. I just want it to get easier. I want to sleep through the night and not cry at random or cry myself to sleep anymore. Yet at the same time, I don't want it to go away. I don't want to stop feeling this pain and missing her so much. Everything I do is colored with my grief. I have my college graduation coming up and I'm dreading that because I was supposed to be hugely pregnant at graduation. I feel like I will never stop thinking about what I should've had, where I should be, how old she would be.

I deleted all the songs off my iPod this week and replaced them with songs about death, Heaven, and loss. It fits my mood. I need my music to fit my mood. Right now I am stuck in this dark desolate place, alone with my grief and pain. I don't know how to get out and I don't know how to let anybody in. People keep asking, what can I do to help? I have no idea. I wish someone could think of something that would help me. I don't think there is anything that can be done to help though.

I saw my OB again this week. He did a repeat for the culture that was messed up. I also asked him to go back over the bloodwork results. I have several issues it seems. I am heterozygous for MTHFR C677T mutation, have a positive ANA with a titer of 1:160, have elevated Protein C activity, and a low thrombin time on my lupus anticoagulant. I have no idea what the last 3 mean. I know a little about MTHFR. The doctor was very encouraging about another pregnancy when I saw him before, but now he thinks it wouldn't be a good idea. *sigh* When I say he was encouraging, I mean he told me to have one period and then start trying to get pregnant. WTF? Why the big change? He drives me nuts. I'm seeing the maternal fetal medicine specialist for a consult on May 20. It was supposed to be May 6, but I'm going away for work now so I rescheduled.

I wish I could wake up and find out that the last 11 weeks have all been a nightmare and it is still February and Sydney is still safe inside of me. Though apparently she wasn't all that safe. :(

Under The Tree April

April's Under the Tree questions from Carly at Love Reign Over Me:

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

Sydney was born and died 10 weeks and 3 days ago. I don't think my grief has changed much since it has been so long. It is still very raw and new, like a fresh wound that is so easily broken open. It seems like it has only gotten worse in the first weeks because time keeps moving on and I don't want it to. I feel like every day that passes is another day further from her.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

I feel a very deep sadness. I am supposed to still be among those pregnant women. I should be 31 weeks today. I am also incredibly jealous that all of those women will get to bring their babies home but I didn't get that chance.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

My blog is my best outlet. I am also involved in three support groups and I go to a counselor. Otherwise, I feel too apathetic right now to do much. I'm not a particularly creative person, so I don't draw or paint or anything like that. I do enjoy writing so I use my blog for therapy.

Answers, sort of

My OB finally called me yesterday, after only 3 weeks of waiting. First, I find out that someone in his office screwed up and didn't send my Mycoplasma culture for Mycoplasma, they sent it for Herpes. I am still so pissed about that. I have an appointment with the MFM for a consult on May 6, I NEED those results. Ugh. And I had to wait 3 weeks to find out the ran the wrong damn test?! Not to mention, I'm a married woman, been that way for almost 11 years and now I have a record of being tested for Herpes. Thanks so much for that embarrassment. So now, after much wrangling and pissiness on my part, I go back in for another culture on Monday evening.

The bloodwork also came back. I'm not really sure what most of this means at this point (still googling LOL), but I'm heterozygous for MTHFR with Protein C Deficiency. I know that it means I have one copy of the gene for MTHFR, which is better than having two of them and I know that MTHFR is a blood clotting disorder. There was also some other issue that he said "I'm not sure what that is about" but I don't know what that was. I will ask him on Monday when I go back for the culture. MTHFR can cause pre-eclampsia/HELLP Syndrome, which may be why I had pre-e twice and HELLP once. If I get pregnant again, I will need to take a daily shot of Lovenox. I am going to be a freaking pharmacy if I get pregnant again.

So now I'm still waiting, waiting, waiting. I feel like that's all I've freaking done for the last 10 weeks and 2 days since Sydney died. It is nice to know about the MTHFR, but that doesn't give me answers about Sydney. I want an answer. I want a name for this damn infection that took my baby's life. It probably won't make me feel any better, but at least I'll know. This whole testing, waiting, etc, thing has been one big clusterfuck and I am just so freaking pissed. Why can't SOMETHING in my life just go right for once? The last 10 weeks have been one shitty thing after another and I have just had enough. I feel like I'm going to just snap.

Birth of an angel

The other night, Eric and I were talking about Sydney, which is almost all we talk about these days. I told him that my pregnancy with her wasn't like my other two pregnancies and that I was sure that everything was going to be okay up until that fateful day I went to the hospital.

While I was pregnant with Christian, I drove myself into anxiety attacks, always worried about his well-being. I truly think my OB wanted to smack me sometimes. He banned me from my pregnancy books and put me on Prozac. I was a mess the entire time. With Hailey, I think my worry was warranted since there was a point when we didn't know if I could make it to viability due to my blood pressure. Obviously, I don't have the best obstetrical history.

With Sydney, it was different. In the beginning, I was a mess, I will admit that. I thought we were done having babies and I was terrified of what another pregnancy would do to my health. But from the moment I first saw her little beating heart on the ultrasound machine at 6 weeks, a feeling of peace came over me. I had occasional twinges of worry here and there, especially just before my 12 week appointment, but otherwise, I just knew that she would be ok. It was a nice feeling, to be so serene and happy and pregnant. When questions came up about our future and how Sydney would fit in, I just said, I'm not sure yet, we'll work it out. And that was the truth. I wasn't sure of the logistics of it all, but I knew it would be okay.

That kind of thinking is not me at all. I'm the worrier, the planner, the one who makes lists and budgets and drives herself into a frenzy about things like cloth or disposable diapers. I'm not the type of person who is optimistic enough to say, it will all work out and not figure out how to make it work out. The peace that I felt only came when Sydney was with me and I attribute it to her presence. When Sydney was born, I realized what a pure and perfect soul she is. Even though I knew I was losing her, I was able to stay calm while she was with us. When I wanted to lose it, I held it together for her. For those two hours, I was truly in the presence of an angel. Even now when I feel her near me, I feel peace and calmness even in my darkest moments.

When I told Eric these things the other night, he said to me, "Maybe that's how angels are born." Maybe he's right. I don't know why God picked my baby to be an angel and I'll probably never know. But I thank Him everyday for picking me to be her mommy. If I could go back and do it all over again, knowing how it would end, I would still choose to have my Sydney in my life.

A song

"There You'll Be" by Faith Hill is one of the songs on my playlist on here. The lyrics really speak to me. I played this for Eric and he said he got a chill from it. I think it is very fitting.

When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be

Well you showed me
How it feels
To feel the sky
Within my reach
And I always
Will remember all
The strength you
Gave to me
Your love made me
Make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

'Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength
And I want to thank you
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always

In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
There you'll be

My bear

Sydney's casket came with a little bear like the one pictured here. We chose to have the bear buried with her. This week a new friend from the support group at the hospital mentioned that her son had the same casket and bear and she had ordered extra bears to keep. I had no idea that was possible, so first thing the next day, I called the funeral home we used to ask about it. They called me back and said that yes, they could get the bear but I'd have to pay for it. I said, no problem, I want it. On Thursday they called to tell me it was in so Friday after work, I went to pick it up. They didn't even charge me for it after all! I thought that was so kind of them. I am so excited to have a bear just like Sydney has, I can't really explain it.

I have quite the little bear collection going now. I have the little tiny bear that Sydney was holding at the hospital on our last day together. Then I bought a big bear that I dressed in what was supposed to be Sydney's coming home outfit and I cuddle with both every night. I feel a little crazy saying that I dressed a bear in clothes and, um, wrap it in a matching blanket. But I think I'm bordering on insanity right now, so whatever. Last night I added the new bear to my sleep collection, but I don't think I'll sleep with it regularly. I don't want it to get all ratty looking. We're going to put up a shelf in the living room to set out some of our mementos so I am going to set the bear on that when it is ready. Maybe I can get Eric to work on that for me as a Mother's Day present or something.

I'm working on idea for my tattoo. I plan to get Sydney's footprints, her name, and birthdate tattooed, probably on the back of my shoulder. I have been thinking about doing it on my due date, but I'm starting to get impatient and antsy, so I'm thinking about moving it up to Mothers Day weekend. Eric is getting a matching tattoo and Mother's Day is also his birthday so that sort of works out. I don't know if I want to make a plan like that, something that means so much to me, for the due date in case I'm a complete wreck that day. I'm sure I will be. Maybe I'm just being impatient and rationalizing it. I really just want her imprinted on me forever, for others to see, ASAP.

Broken

That sums me up in one word. Broken. I have a broken heart, a broken soul, a broken reproductive system. I can't concentrate, I barely sleep. I wish I was one of those people who doesn't want to eat when they are upset, but I'm the opposite. I want to eat everything.

I find myself wondering how much sadness and despair one person can handle before they just wither up and die. It seems like everyday the pain and emptiness grows. It has now been 66 days since I held my girl, since she lived and then died. It has been 65 days since I held my angel's tiny lifeless body in my arms and said goodbye to her. If this is how it feels to live a mere 66 days without her, how do I live the rest of my life? I see other parents who have been through this and they are a year out, two years, three years, twenty-five years, and they are still living and breathing, but they still say that the pain is still there, beneath the surface. I think that those people must be so much stronger than I am because I really don't know how I can survive this. Doesn't God realize that I'm too fragile for this? my psyche barely stays balanced under normal circumstances. I've battled depression, mixed with post-partum depression, since I was 12-13 years old. The last few years, I've just really gotten a hold on it and been able to cope with my own emotions. And then this. Like I said, I'm broken.

Last week when I went in for my surgery, my blood pressure was high. It hasn't been considered high or even borderline since about this time last year, when I'd lost the first 50 pounds after my Lap Band surgery. I was panicked at first and then I figured out what was going on. I went on birth control pills back in March. My OB told me that he'd let me try them, but if my blood pressure went up, I needed to stop taking them. That's why I wasn't on some type of birth control after my surgery last year (most doctors require it because it isn't ideal to get pregnant while you're in the rapid weight loss stage and losing weight apparently makes you super fertile). I called the OB's office and talked to them. He said to stop it immediately. They also didn't yet have my test results. When I went in for my 6 week checkup, I had 10 vials of blood drawn for various tests and a culture of Mycoplasma, which might be the underlying cause of the infection that I had. It will be three weeks on Monday and I have no results. Now I'm in limbo. Part of me wants to get pregnant so badly. The other part, the logical part, knows that we need to wait. At the very least, I need those test results. After that, I don't know. It isn't going to happen unless it is God's will for it to happen, so sometimes I just think we should leave it to Him to decide. I'm scared though. I also feel like I'm betraying Sydney to even consider another baby. I hope that she knows why I feel the way I do and that another baby would never replace her, not in our family or in our hearts. Maybe I'm just crazy to ever think that we could be so lucky to have a successful pregnancy and not just have another tragedy. If I'm broken now, I cannot even imagine how I would be if I lost a second baby. :(

Video

I couldn't get this to upload to blogger, so I uploaded to YouTube. I made this video tonight.

Sydney's video

Two months

First off, I'm home from the hospital. Surgery went very well and the gallbladder was in really bad shape. My surgeon said I should feel a lot better now. I'm not in a lot of pain, just a little sore. I was so glad to get out of the hospital. I have an anxiety about being in hospitals now.

Today is two months since Sydney was born. I can't believe it has already been two months, but sometimes it also seems like forever. This morning, I woke up around 3:45 and couldn't fall back to sleep so I watched the clock until 4:30. I called Eric and we talked for a little bit. Then I hung up to go to the bathroom. When I came out, my whole room smelled like Sydney. I settled into bed, turned off all the lights and started talking to her. A minute later, it felt like someone was holding my hand. I opened my eyes and of course, nothing was there. I told Sydney I love her and miss her and I fell asleep peacefully then. It was a very cool feeling and I love knowing that she is with me when I need her. I am so blessed to be that little girl's mommy.

Eric and I went to the hospital support group on Wednesday night. He said he was really glad he went and that it really helped him. When I go and hear the other stories, I realize that I am really lucky. So many of the moms had stillbirths or they were too sick to hold their babies or even see them. I got to hold Sydney for her entire two hours of life, I got to hear her heartbeat with the nurse's stethoscope, I got to feel her little hand grip my finger and see her move around. I wish she could've opened her eyes. I am so grateful to the Lord that He gave us that time with her. She could've easily not survived the labor and delivery, or only lived for a few minutes, which were both so likely at only 20 weeks. I guess in a situation like this, you have to be able to find the good things and rejoice in those.

Surgery tomorrow

Tomorrow at 9 am, I have my gallbladder surgery. I hope it brings some relief. I haven't had any more attacks, but overall I just feel kind of off. Hard to explain. My stomach just feels blah most of the time. I've also committed to myself that when I come home from the hospital, I'm getting back on my lap band plan (if you don't know, I had Lap Band weight loss surgery on Feb. 28, 2008, and lost 100 lbs in 7 months before I got pregnant). I have about 75 lbs to lose to get to my goal. Eric and I have agreed that when I lose at least another 60 lbs or so, we'll start trying to get pregnant. We think. That's the general plan.

My thoughts on getting pregnant again are all over the board. Some days, I want to get pregnant again immediately. My body yearns for another baby. Other days, I don't think I'll ever want to try again. I'm terrified of losing another baby. So we've decided to leave it in God's hands. Well, after a few things get taken care of first. I'm waiting to hear back about my cultures to see if I need to be treated for Mycoplasma and I will not let myself get pregnant without knowing since that may be the cause of my pre-term labor and PPROM. Eric and I both need treatment if I have mycoplasma. I also need to lose a minimum of 30 lbs or so before I'm comfortable with going off birth control. We've decided to let things happen and not use fertility drugs or anything. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and it took us almost 2 years to conceive Christian, then Hailey and Sydney were both surprises, so we really don't know how easy or difficult it would be to get pregnant again. If we aren't blessed with a pregnancy naturally, we will not resort to extreme measures, we'll accept that it isn't God's will in our lives.

On top of everything, I feel guilty for thinking about having another baby. I was supposed to still be carrying Sydney. I don't want to get pregnant before June because this was supposed to be her time in my womb. I feel like I'm betraying her by wanting another baby. I hope that she understands and knows my heart. I cannot have her, it is completely impossible for that to happen. Another baby will NOT ever replace her or how I feel about her, it will not mend my broken heart or add back the missing piece of my soul. I am so angry that I even have to make this decision. Sydney was supposed to be our last baby, our little surprise that was meant to be and beat the odds to get here. Now I'm left with nothing except this pain and anguish, little clothes and pictures, a heart that's so full of love that it might explode, and empty arms. But will another baby do anything to soothe me? Or am I putting a really big responsibility on a tiny soul? I don't think this is a decision I can make, not now, maybe not ever. So I give it to the Lord and ask Him to lead us down the right road for our family. I pray that His will would be for us to have a living baby to bring home, but I have to be able to accept that he may bless us with another baby who becomes an angel far too soon.

Pray for me in surgery tomorrow. I'm not nervous or afraid. I used to be afraid of dying (not that I think I'll die, but you never know), but not anymore. I'm terrified of the thought of Christian and Hailey growing up without a mother most definitely. But if it is my time, I know that the most wonderful gift is waiting for me in Heaven. My Sydney. I look forward to that day. But as much as I miss her and wish we were together, she's in very good hands right now and Christian and Hailey do need me so much. I want to see them grow up and experience their lives. As much as it hurts me to think it, my baby doesn't need me right now and Christian and Hailey do. Sometimes I think that she does need me, what if she's alone or afraid, then I remember, she's in Heaven. There are no tears in Heaven, she will never know loneliness or hunger or fear. If my baby has to be anywhere except with me, that's where I would want her to be.

Some pictures and some rambling thoughts

I've had a really rough few days. Every time I think I am making some progress, I fall further back. On Saturday, I received an email from a friend on a lap band board. It helped me so much and actually brought me a sense of peace for a little bit. I was touched that she chose to reach out to me and I truly think that the Lord was working through her. I wish I could maintain that feeling from Saturday, but it is so hard.

Easter is coming and I really don't want to face it. Well, more like I really don't want to face certain family members because I'm angry with them and they think I should "get over it" and move on. We usually have Easter brunch with my in laws during the late morning and then stop my mom's house. I am really angry with Eric's grandmother over some things that happened while I was in the hospital and I think it would be better if I avoided her altogether. Since I'm having surgery three days before Easter, I figured I had an easy out. I asked my mother in law to take the kids the day before Easter so I can rest while Eric works and they can go to their school's Easter egg hunt. She agreed so I figured that could be their Easter with her, no big deal. Well, Eric and I ended up in a fight because my MIL was "confused" and thought I said Sunday. Eric just went with it and was planning to take the kids to his grandma's house on Easter and leave me alone. Nice, very nice. Such a considerate caring man. *sigh*

So things are not going well here at all. I feel like my entire life will never be the same, that my marriage is going to fall apart, that my living children will grow up resenting me because I can't be everything they need right now, that everything I've worked for over the last few years is going to go to crap because I'm hurting so much.

Yesterday, I took the kids to Hailey's best friend's birthday party. Despite the kids (especially Hailey) begging me to stay, I had to leave. Right next to the party we were with was a baby girl's 1st birthday party. There were at least 3 cute little girls around probably 6-18 months. Plus there was a very pregnant woman at the party we were at and the hostess announced that she was due that exact day and they were afraid she would go into labor right there. For my sanity, I left the kids there and came home for a while. When I got home, I did the only thing I could think of--I got on my knees and prayed. I prayed for mercy, for forgiveness, I threw myself at the Lord's feet and laid it all out to Him. I told Him that He is the only one I can turn to, the only one who can help me. I feel like a bad child who has made her parent angry. I feel like He has turned His back on me.

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. I was at a store and had Hailey with me. Someone asked me if I was having a boy or a girl and I said, I am having a boy. They said, oh you'll have one of each and I responded with, I also have another boy at home so I'll have two boys and a girl. I woke up feeling very sad. First because I feel like I was forsaking Sydney in my dream. I will ALWAYS have at least two daughters. Second, I realized that nobody will ever realize that there is another member of our family when they meet us, that it will always seem like we only have two (or three at some point, God willing) children instead of one more. That makes me very sad. I want Sydney's life to have an impact. I don't want her life and death to have been for no reason. I feel like nobody else will ever realize what a special child she was/is. Above all, I feel so blessed to be her mommy and to be in her life. I'm also so grateful that she was in my life because she has changed me in so many ways.

Are you serious?!

Ugh, it is always something. Last night, I ended up in the ER until about 4:30 am or so in severe abdominal and back pain. It turns out I seem to have gallstones or some other gallbladder issue. This is common after both losing a lot of weight and having a baby. I had an ultrasound of my gallbladder today and at this point, I am scheduled to have surgery on Thursday, April 9. He didn't have the results of the ultrasound yet, but something was seen in my gallbladder on CT Scan, so he's sure it needs to come out. *sigh* I just can't catch a break. I feel like crap and like this unreliable loser at work because stuff keeps happening to me. My coworkers must hate me sometimes.

On Monday, Eric and I went to the cemetery together. When we got there, we found that the big brightly colored pinwheels were broken! Two of the little Easter eggs on the sticks were also damaged. I was so upset. I'm trying to remember, this stuff is outside and it will get damaged. It almost looks like it was done on purpose though. I know people that live near there actually walk their dogs in the cemetery and I wonder if a dog got a hold of it. We did get crappy weather Saturday and Sunday, but another nearby grave has the same pinwheels and theirs were intact. I was planning to buy some new ones and take them out there today, but I am exhausted and feel like crud, so I guess I'll just try to go this weekend instead.

One bright spot--there is a second little purple flower growing next to the original one. About 2 feet or so from Sydney's grave, there is a little area with a bunch of the purple flowers growing now. On the opposite side of the Babyland area, there are some darker purple flowers growing around and on several of the graves. It is really neat to see all these little flowers growing all around the babies. It is weird, the original flower on Sydney's grave was there a good two weeks before any of the others we saw this week. My new friend Jen (from Glory Babies) found the flower type for me. It is the hedyotis crassifolia, which always points skyward. :)