Saturday, September 19, 2009

The cycle begins

Tomorrow is my birthday and I've been dreading it. I'm not in the mood to celebrate, but that really has nothing to do with it. Last year, I had my last period before conceiving Sydney during the week of my birthday. So that has been the reminder and the point where I'll start hitting one year anniversaries of all the things that happened, culminating in her birthday. Sydney was conceived around October 4th. I found out I was pregnant on October 26, saw her for the first time on ultrasound on October 31...and on and on. It brings back so many bittersweet memories. I had no idea how happy I was then.

I'm trying hard to get myself together. I have been a complete mess for the last few weeks. I miss Sydney so much. I don't know how I am going to live without her for the rest of my life. I've been having major anxiety lately. Fortunately, it hasn't manifested in panic attacks again, but it comes in the form of total paranoia. I get these thoughts and visions in my head, always horrible things, of the kids getting hurt or Eric getting hurt and other horrific things. I'm seeing a new primary doctor in a couple of weeks and I'm going to ask about changing my medication. I was taking Effexor, which worked very well for me, but the high risk OB said he doesn't like it during pregnancy and I should switch to Wellbutrin or Zoloft. I've taken Zoloft before and after a while, it just stopped working. So I decided to try Wellbutrin. Effexor and Zoloft also control anxiety, but Wellbutrin does not. So I think I need to switch to Zoloft. I can't handle these awful thoughts and fears. I've had this problem to an extent in the past, but it is constant and uncontrollable right now.

I already got my birthday present from Eric and the kids. I didn't hint this time, I just told him, get me this. It is a Willow Tree figure called Angel of Mine. The description on it says, "So loved. So very loved." It is beautiful and I love it. This is it:


Malory said...

I love willow tree figures. I have 4 of them. I absolutely LOVE the one you recieved. Happy Birthday! Our stories are very similiar. My birthday is in Sept. I concieved in Oct. & lost our baby girl in May. :( & we have the same blog layout, lol. Thinking of you.

Lea said...

All of those memories are so hard, especially in the first year.

The Willow Tree figure is beautiful. I have a collection myself.

Wishing you a peaceful Birthday.

Tina said...

The Willow Tree figure is very lovely. It seems like the perfect gift for women like us. Wishing you peace and a happy birthday! xx

Bree said...

Happy Birthday to you, Jaime! I'm so sorry all of your babies are not here with you to celebrate today. The willow figurine is lovely. I hope you have some peace today.

Ella was conceived right around this time too. My last period was 9/27, she was conceived 10/15, and we found out 11/1. I hate that the milestones keep on coming. And, I hate that we're not at least pregnant yet. Hoping this is your month, girlfriend.