Friday, May 22, 2009

It's there

Sydney's headstone is at the grave. It hasn't been installed into the ground, but it is in place, waiting. It is beautiful and perfect. It was so incredibly difficult to see her name on that stone. It seems to have pushed me to the brink of another breakdown.

I seem to go through phases with my grief. Some days, I'm ok. Well, as ok as I can be, functional, not crying constantly. Then something sets me off and it's downhill until I have a breakdown, have a bunch of bad days, then I work my way back to ok. I feel it there, so close, and I'm scared. What if this time it starts and doesn't stop? As much as I wish the world could stop, it can't. I have other kids to care for, a job, bills to pay, all of these responsibilities that I can't avoid.

Here are some pictures from today. A nice woman who was visiting her husband's grave offered to take a picture of the four of us. It's as close to a family picture as we can get. :(







3 comments:

Inanna said...

Oh what a heartbreaking family portrait. Much love to you on this journey, mama. I know it comes in waves, and we just having to keep riding them...

Mary said...

I love the little angel on the grave. It's perfect just like Sydney.

caitsmom said...

((((hugs)))) Jaime. Your family portrait is wonderful, in that I see the grief and love in the eyes of you, DH, and your children. I couldn't help but notice that it took another bereaved to understand that a picture of the family together--with the name of your precious Sydney--was important. I know the pain of visiting my child's name in stone. I'll be thinking of you and sending love and hopes for peace as you navigate this life.