Sunday, May 31, 2009

June

June starts tomorrow. I wish I could go to sleep tonight and wake up in July. Sydney was due June 26. I should be sittng here big and uncomfortable and 36 weeks pregnant. Instead I am 16 weeks into this never ending nightmare.

We had so many expectations for June. We'd really hoped to have baby in June. Christian was due in August and born in July; Hailey was due in March and born in February. I was really hoping I didn't end up with an April or May baby. I never imagined she would come in February. To me, worst case scenario was 24 weeks, a long NICU stay, and bringing home a small maybe sick baby. Never did I imagine she wouldn't make it. Never did I imagine this.

I was supposed to meet my beautiful girl in June. I was supposed to see her little face, hold her, and put her to my breast for the first time. But instead I will grieve her for the fourth month. I will miss her with every fiber of my being and I have to continue trying to figure out how to go on without her here with me.

2 comments:

angie said...

Oh, Jaime, so so hard to be going through this neverending grief. June is going to be a tough month, but you won't be going through it alone. Sending you many thoughts and much love. XO

Bree said...

I hear you. Ella's due date was 7/10. I'm trying to figure out an appropriate way to spend that day. I want so badly to do something to honor her little life. But, a day in bed with many xanex sounds good too.