Sunday, May 31, 2009


June starts tomorrow. I wish I could go to sleep tonight and wake up in July. Sydney was due June 26. I should be sittng here big and uncomfortable and 36 weeks pregnant. Instead I am 16 weeks into this never ending nightmare.

We had so many expectations for June. We'd really hoped to have baby in June. Christian was due in August and born in July; Hailey was due in March and born in February. I was really hoping I didn't end up with an April or May baby. I never imagined she would come in February. To me, worst case scenario was 24 weeks, a long NICU stay, and bringing home a small maybe sick baby. Never did I imagine she wouldn't make it. Never did I imagine this.

I was supposed to meet my beautiful girl in June. I was supposed to see her little face, hold her, and put her to my breast for the first time. But instead I will grieve her for the fourth month. I will miss her with every fiber of my being and I have to continue trying to figure out how to go on without her here with me.


angie said...

Oh, Jaime, so so hard to be going through this neverending grief. June is going to be a tough month, but you won't be going through it alone. Sending you many thoughts and much love. XO

Bree said...

I hear you. Ella's due date was 7/10. I'm trying to figure out an appropriate way to spend that day. I want so badly to do something to honor her little life. But, a day in bed with many xanex sounds good too.