Saturday, May 9, 2009


I had an awful dream the other night. I was giving birth to a baby. I was delivering at 23 weeks and 4 days. My doctor handed me the baby, a boy (fully dressed in tiny jeans and a sweater for some reason) and said, I'm sorry, you were so close, maybe next time. I started to scream at him, it's only 3 days until 24 weeks, how much difference can 3 days make? But they wouldn't do anything except allow the baby to die in my arms again. I begged, pleaded, cried, yelled. Then I jumped from my hospital bed and ran to the NICU with the baby in my arms to have him saved. I don't know what happened because I woke up then. I've been haunted by it ever since. It wasn't just a nightmare for me, it was my real life 3 months ago. Except the baby I delivered too early was a girl and she was at least 3 weeks from viability instead of 3 days. :( I can't imagine ever going through this again. I want a baby, but I am terrified of getting pregnant again.

I wish I could have a dream of Sydney. I wish I could see her and hold her in my arms, even if only in my dreams.


Inanna said...

I had a dream a few weeks ago that William was born dead... but came to life in my arms, only to die a few moments later. And I still replay that moment over and over in my head, that moment when he breathed.

Thank you for sharing your dream. It's scary, imagining doing this again, even in our unconscious. I agree.

Mary said...

I've had nightmares where I've been told that my baby is dead. It comes from that horrible day. It is just always there. It is so hard to get passed those moments. I pray that the nightmares lessen so that we can one day dream again.