Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Four months tomorrow
It is so unreal to me that tomorrow will be four months since my precious girl lived. I wish I could stay in those two hours forever. I remember holding Sydney and watching the clock, wishing time would stop and let me keep her alive. As time passes, I feel that much more distance between us, as if she stayed on February 10, 2009, and I have skipped ahead. Of course, using that analogy, I'm in June 2009 and everybody around me has moved on to 2012. I feel like I've been left behind to deal with my grief alone while everybody else has moved on.
Yesterday, we received a wonderful gift. The mamas on one of my message boards got together and had a star named after Sydney through the International Star Registry. It touched me so deeply that they would do that for us. I want to figure out how to find her star, so hopefully I can figure out what the coordinates mean and how to find them.
The resounding theme of this past month has been anger. I am so angry with almost everybody in my life for one reason or another. I am angry that people can't deal with my grief and make me feel like I am wrong for it. I am angry that they treat me like a child having a tantrum instead of treating me like a mother who has lost her child. I am angry that it seems like I am the only person in the world who really feels the depth of this loss. I am angry that I have lost my beautiful baby while so many others can have healthy babies despite mistreating their bodies throughout pregnancy or that they have precious babies just to abuse them. It is so incredibly unfair and I can't begin to understand it. I am so incredibly angry that my daughter is gone. I'm angry that I am supposed to be preparing for our new arrival this month, buying diapers and clothes and all things baby, but instead I buy things to put on her grave. I am angry that I feel forgotten, that virtually all of my (non-Internet) friends have not even acknowledged Sydney's birth or death, that 95% of the people in my life act like she never existed. I'm angry with my husband for spending the last four months putting on a facade of normality, which has only managed to make me feel even worse about being so broken by this. I am angry because other people get angry because I am angry with them.
I want to scream, I want to break things, I want some outlet for these feelings. Right now, though, I am so depressed that I just don't feel like fighting anymore. People can think what they want about me. I'm tired of doing things just to make other people happy. I've had it with being coerced into doing things I really don't want to do or being around people who just...suck. Why should I consider the feelings of people who crap on my feelings every chance they get? Why should I care if it is your birthday, graduation, wedding, party, celebration, etc., when you can't even pick up the phone and ask how I am doing or send a card or acknowledge that Sydney existed and that I am hurting in some tiny way? Why should I waste my limited time off work or spend money to come visit you or even pretend I give a crap about you when you don't seem to give a crap about me? I'm not doing it anymore. And if you're reading this and wonder if I'm talking to you, I most likely am. I'm tired of playing nice. I'm tired of everybody waiting for me to snap out of it or get over it. You can either accept my new reality or you can get lost.
Yesterday, we received a wonderful gift. The mamas on one of my message boards got together and had a star named after Sydney through the International Star Registry. It touched me so deeply that they would do that for us. I want to figure out how to find her star, so hopefully I can figure out what the coordinates mean and how to find them.
The resounding theme of this past month has been anger. I am so angry with almost everybody in my life for one reason or another. I am angry that people can't deal with my grief and make me feel like I am wrong for it. I am angry that they treat me like a child having a tantrum instead of treating me like a mother who has lost her child. I am angry that it seems like I am the only person in the world who really feels the depth of this loss. I am angry that I have lost my beautiful baby while so many others can have healthy babies despite mistreating their bodies throughout pregnancy or that they have precious babies just to abuse them. It is so incredibly unfair and I can't begin to understand it. I am so incredibly angry that my daughter is gone. I'm angry that I am supposed to be preparing for our new arrival this month, buying diapers and clothes and all things baby, but instead I buy things to put on her grave. I am angry that I feel forgotten, that virtually all of my (non-Internet) friends have not even acknowledged Sydney's birth or death, that 95% of the people in my life act like she never existed. I'm angry with my husband for spending the last four months putting on a facade of normality, which has only managed to make me feel even worse about being so broken by this. I am angry because other people get angry because I am angry with them.
I want to scream, I want to break things, I want some outlet for these feelings. Right now, though, I am so depressed that I just don't feel like fighting anymore. People can think what they want about me. I'm tired of doing things just to make other people happy. I've had it with being coerced into doing things I really don't want to do or being around people who just...suck. Why should I consider the feelings of people who crap on my feelings every chance they get? Why should I care if it is your birthday, graduation, wedding, party, celebration, etc., when you can't even pick up the phone and ask how I am doing or send a card or acknowledge that Sydney existed and that I am hurting in some tiny way? Why should I waste my limited time off work or spend money to come visit you or even pretend I give a crap about you when you don't seem to give a crap about me? I'm not doing it anymore. And if you're reading this and wonder if I'm talking to you, I most likely am. I'm tired of playing nice. I'm tired of everybody waiting for me to snap out of it or get over it. You can either accept my new reality or you can get lost.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Thanks a lot, Hallmark
Yesterday, I stopped in at my local Hallmark store to buy a greeting card. I needed a thank you card and those are located right next to the sympathy cards. *sigh* I actually started looking at a few of them. After Sydney was born, we received some very beautiful cards and I have to admit, I'm a card junkie. I love to receive greeting cards. I save them all. Somewhere I have birthday cards from when I was a kid. I've saved every single card my kids have received.
So as I'm looking at the sympathy cards, I picked up a beautiful one and noticed it was for the loss of a pet. I looked at the categories then and noticed that there were actually two cards for loss of a baby, then one for loss of a daughter, one for loss of a son, and one for loss of a child. However, I also noticed that there were about 10 different cards for loss of a pet. There are more cards to choose from to send to someone whose dog or cat died, but only FIVE cards to send to a person who has lost a child. What the fuck?
Is it worse, in the world of Hallmark, to lose a pet? Or is it merely more socially acceptable to express your condolences when someone loses a pet than when they lose a child? In my not-quite-four-month-old journey as a babylost mama, I've found that it seems this is the one thing people do not want to talk about. Maybe people think it is contagious. Or it's just too sad. Or they don't view the baby as a person worthy of their emotion. I think there are several family members of mine (*cough* Eric's family *cough*) who feel the latter is true. I've dealt with death before. My father, my beloved maternal grandmother, my paternal grandfather. I dread the day I lose my other grandfather or my mother. I can't imagine life without my husband. But my child--whether it was my baby girl who was only in my womb for 20 weeks or my 6 or 7 year olds--there is nothing more devastating to me. I can't imagine there is anything more devastating to any parent.
Maybe I'm bitter about pet loss. My living grandmother had a funeral for her dog a few years ago. Looking back, I'm pretty sure that dog was buried in the same kind of casket that Sydney had. We went to the dog funeral to support my grandmother, who was a mess over losing her dog very suddenly. There was a short ceremony and a burial in the pet cemetery at the groomer they used. The dog now has a full headstone that has his picture on it. When I called my grandmother to give her the details on Sydney's service, a private graveside service and not at a funeral home, she said, "Since you aren't having a real funeral, I guess I won't come in." She lives in Florida now (she lived here in Missouri when her dog died). She said that the airfare would be too expensive, she would be too sad because Sydney's funeral was on the same day as my grandfather's funeral 3 years ago, etc., etc. When I told my sister, she was livid. She said, "Didn't you go to her DOG'S funeral?!" Oh yeah, that's right, I did. I'd forgotten. Yes, travel would be involved, but my grandmother is not destitute. In fact, she's pretty well off. She could've come. But I'm not going to beg someone to do something they obviously didn't want to do in the first place. And she never even sent a card. Maybe when one of my cats dies, she'll send one.
So as I'm looking at the sympathy cards, I picked up a beautiful one and noticed it was for the loss of a pet. I looked at the categories then and noticed that there were actually two cards for loss of a baby, then one for loss of a daughter, one for loss of a son, and one for loss of a child. However, I also noticed that there were about 10 different cards for loss of a pet. There are more cards to choose from to send to someone whose dog or cat died, but only FIVE cards to send to a person who has lost a child. What the fuck?
Is it worse, in the world of Hallmark, to lose a pet? Or is it merely more socially acceptable to express your condolences when someone loses a pet than when they lose a child? In my not-quite-four-month-old journey as a babylost mama, I've found that it seems this is the one thing people do not want to talk about. Maybe people think it is contagious. Or it's just too sad. Or they don't view the baby as a person worthy of their emotion. I think there are several family members of mine (*cough* Eric's family *cough*) who feel the latter is true. I've dealt with death before. My father, my beloved maternal grandmother, my paternal grandfather. I dread the day I lose my other grandfather or my mother. I can't imagine life without my husband. But my child--whether it was my baby girl who was only in my womb for 20 weeks or my 6 or 7 year olds--there is nothing more devastating to me. I can't imagine there is anything more devastating to any parent.
Maybe I'm bitter about pet loss. My living grandmother had a funeral for her dog a few years ago. Looking back, I'm pretty sure that dog was buried in the same kind of casket that Sydney had. We went to the dog funeral to support my grandmother, who was a mess over losing her dog very suddenly. There was a short ceremony and a burial in the pet cemetery at the groomer they used. The dog now has a full headstone that has his picture on it. When I called my grandmother to give her the details on Sydney's service, a private graveside service and not at a funeral home, she said, "Since you aren't having a real funeral, I guess I won't come in." She lives in Florida now (she lived here in Missouri when her dog died). She said that the airfare would be too expensive, she would be too sad because Sydney's funeral was on the same day as my grandfather's funeral 3 years ago, etc., etc. When I told my sister, she was livid. She said, "Didn't you go to her DOG'S funeral?!" Oh yeah, that's right, I did. I'd forgotten. Yes, travel would be involved, but my grandmother is not destitute. In fact, she's pretty well off. She could've come. But I'm not going to beg someone to do something they obviously didn't want to do in the first place. And she never even sent a card. Maybe when one of my cats dies, she'll send one.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
June
June starts tomorrow. I wish I could go to sleep tonight and wake up in July. Sydney was due June 26. I should be sittng here big and uncomfortable and 36 weeks pregnant. Instead I am 16 weeks into this never ending nightmare.
We had so many expectations for June. We'd really hoped to have baby in June. Christian was due in August and born in July; Hailey was due in March and born in February. I was really hoping I didn't end up with an April or May baby. I never imagined she would come in February. To me, worst case scenario was 24 weeks, a long NICU stay, and bringing home a small maybe sick baby. Never did I imagine she wouldn't make it. Never did I imagine this.
I was supposed to meet my beautiful girl in June. I was supposed to see her little face, hold her, and put her to my breast for the first time. But instead I will grieve her for the fourth month. I will miss her with every fiber of my being and I have to continue trying to figure out how to go on without her here with me.
We had so many expectations for June. We'd really hoped to have baby in June. Christian was due in August and born in July; Hailey was due in March and born in February. I was really hoping I didn't end up with an April or May baby. I never imagined she would come in February. To me, worst case scenario was 24 weeks, a long NICU stay, and bringing home a small maybe sick baby. Never did I imagine she wouldn't make it. Never did I imagine this.
I was supposed to meet my beautiful girl in June. I was supposed to see her little face, hold her, and put her to my breast for the first time. But instead I will grieve her for the fourth month. I will miss her with every fiber of my being and I have to continue trying to figure out how to go on without her here with me.
Friday, May 22, 2009
It's there
Sydney's headstone is at the grave. It hasn't been installed into the ground, but it is in place, waiting. It is beautiful and perfect. It was so incredibly difficult to see her name on that stone. It seems to have pushed me to the brink of another breakdown.
I seem to go through phases with my grief. Some days, I'm ok. Well, as ok as I can be, functional, not crying constantly. Then something sets me off and it's downhill until I have a breakdown, have a bunch of bad days, then I work my way back to ok. I feel it there, so close, and I'm scared. What if this time it starts and doesn't stop? As much as I wish the world could stop, it can't. I have other kids to care for, a job, bills to pay, all of these responsibilities that I can't avoid.
Here are some pictures from today. A nice woman who was visiting her husband's grave offered to take a picture of the four of us. It's as close to a family picture as we can get. :(
I seem to go through phases with my grief. Some days, I'm ok. Well, as ok as I can be, functional, not crying constantly. Then something sets me off and it's downhill until I have a breakdown, have a bunch of bad days, then I work my way back to ok. I feel it there, so close, and I'm scared. What if this time it starts and doesn't stop? As much as I wish the world could stop, it can't. I have other kids to care for, a job, bills to pay, all of these responsibilities that I can't avoid.
Here are some pictures from today. A nice woman who was visiting her husband's grave offered to take a picture of the four of us. It's as close to a family picture as we can get. :(
Thursday, May 21, 2009
100 days
As of today, it has been 100 days since Sydney became an angel. These have been the longest 100 days of my life. I really don't even have anything to say that I haven't said a million times already. :(
The monument company called on Tuesday. They delivered Sydney's marker on Monday and the cemetery will have it installed by the weekend. We're planning to go there tomorrow evening when I get off work to look at it and take pictures. I have new flowers and decorations to take out too. I need to go pick up some flowers I saw that I liked. I've been buying artificial flowers because I can't get out there more than once a week, sometimes not even that often depending on the weather, and I hate thinking about dead flowers sitting there until I get back with new ones. I have an issue with dead flowers. I didn't want flowers sent to her service, I hated looking at the flowers that were sent to our house. They were pretty for a few days, then they died. It was really depressing for me.
Speaking of depressing. My mother in law and sister in law are involved in an animal rescue. They have a bunch of cats and kittens (one of whom we just adopted). A couple of weeks ago, a sick mama cat gave birth to her litter and all of the kittens got sick. We went to my in-law's on Sunday evening and they were trying to keep three of the kittens alive. Two had already died the night before. I ended up holding two tiny kittens who were barely hanging on, praying that they didn't die in my arms. They ended up dying the next day. I feel so sad for that mama cat. Do animals mourn like we do? Not too long ago, Inanna posted a link to this video, which showed a mama gorilla whose baby died. She carried his little body around for a week and openly grieved for her baby. I wish that no mother, human or animal, ever had to lose their child and deal with this grief. :(
The monument company called on Tuesday. They delivered Sydney's marker on Monday and the cemetery will have it installed by the weekend. We're planning to go there tomorrow evening when I get off work to look at it and take pictures. I have new flowers and decorations to take out too. I need to go pick up some flowers I saw that I liked. I've been buying artificial flowers because I can't get out there more than once a week, sometimes not even that often depending on the weather, and I hate thinking about dead flowers sitting there until I get back with new ones. I have an issue with dead flowers. I didn't want flowers sent to her service, I hated looking at the flowers that were sent to our house. They were pretty for a few days, then they died. It was really depressing for me.
Speaking of depressing. My mother in law and sister in law are involved in an animal rescue. They have a bunch of cats and kittens (one of whom we just adopted). A couple of weeks ago, a sick mama cat gave birth to her litter and all of the kittens got sick. We went to my in-law's on Sunday evening and they were trying to keep three of the kittens alive. Two had already died the night before. I ended up holding two tiny kittens who were barely hanging on, praying that they didn't die in my arms. They ended up dying the next day. I feel so sad for that mama cat. Do animals mourn like we do? Not too long ago, Inanna posted a link to this video, which showed a mama gorilla whose baby died. She carried his little body around for a week and openly grieved for her baby. I wish that no mother, human or animal, ever had to lose their child and deal with this grief. :(
Monday, May 11, 2009
Numb
It has been three months since Sydney was here, alive, and then left. I feel so numb right now. I just don't feel anything. What is wrong with me? Maybe I've been so debilitatingly sad for so long that my emotions are broken or something.
Yesterday was a hard day, without her here, still growing within me. It was hard to get cards the kids made, knowing there will never be cards from her. It was hard to get their sweet little presents made at school, knowing she'll never go to school and bring home presents for me. It was really hard to hold the kids and hear them say, I love you, Mommy, knowing I'll never hear her say I love you.
On Sunday morning, Sydney's 3 month birthday, I woke up at 4:30 a.m. exactly. Every month so far, on the 10th, I've been awake at 4:30 for some reason. I felt her with me again, but it's not enough. I want her here, in a body, so I can hold her, kiss her, see her. We were only supposed to be meeting her in the next 6 weeks or so, not grieving her already being gone for 3 months. It isn't fair, it isn't right. But I can't even get angry about it right now. I feel so helpless and empty without her.
Yesterday was a hard day, without her here, still growing within me. It was hard to get cards the kids made, knowing there will never be cards from her. It was hard to get their sweet little presents made at school, knowing she'll never go to school and bring home presents for me. It was really hard to hold the kids and hear them say, I love you, Mommy, knowing I'll never hear her say I love you.
On Sunday morning, Sydney's 3 month birthday, I woke up at 4:30 a.m. exactly. Every month so far, on the 10th, I've been awake at 4:30 for some reason. I felt her with me again, but it's not enough. I want her here, in a body, so I can hold her, kiss her, see her. We were only supposed to be meeting her in the next 6 weeks or so, not grieving her already being gone for 3 months. It isn't fair, it isn't right. But I can't even get angry about it right now. I feel so helpless and empty without her.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
My tattoo
For my little butterfly, who emerged from her cocoon and flew away.
I love you, Sydney. I can't believe it has been 3 months since you lived.
I love you, Sydney. I can't believe it has been 3 months since you lived.
Dream
I had an awful dream the other night. I was giving birth to a baby. I was delivering at 23 weeks and 4 days. My doctor handed me the baby, a boy (fully dressed in tiny jeans and a sweater for some reason) and said, I'm sorry, you were so close, maybe next time. I started to scream at him, it's only 3 days until 24 weeks, how much difference can 3 days make? But they wouldn't do anything except allow the baby to die in my arms again. I begged, pleaded, cried, yelled. Then I jumped from my hospital bed and ran to the NICU with the baby in my arms to have him saved. I don't know what happened because I woke up then. I've been haunted by it ever since. It wasn't just a nightmare for me, it was my real life 3 months ago. Except the baby I delivered too early was a girl and she was at least 3 weeks from viability instead of 3 days. :( I can't imagine ever going through this again. I want a baby, but I am terrified of getting pregnant again.
I wish I could have a dream of Sydney. I wish I could see her and hold her in my arms, even if only in my dreams.
I wish I could have a dream of Sydney. I wish I could see her and hold her in my arms, even if only in my dreams.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Long week
This has been a long week full of ups and downs. I was out of town for work and kept quite busy, which was a welcome change. Distraction helps. Still, when I was alone in my hotel room each night, the sadness overcame me and I couldn't stop thinking about Sydney. Eric and I also had a huge fight with some members of his family, which was since resolved fortunately.
Last Sunday night, after arguing with my mother in law, I had a complete break down. I sobbed, I yelled, I threw things, I broke things. I was so completely sad and angry and frustrated. After my temper tantrum, I laid on the couch and cried some more while Eric cleaned up my mess. In my blind rage, I threw a cat statue that one of the kids gave me for Christmas and it broke. I felt so guilty for that. Luckily, Hailey fell asleep before my tantrum, but Christian heard it all. He was very concerned. As I laid on the couch crying, he came and put his arms around me. The way he was standing, at first, I thought it was Eric. Then I opened my eyes and realized it was him. My sweet little 7 year old boy was comforting me. He just held onto me for the longest time and gave me kisses. I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for Christian and Hailey.
I'm going in tomorrow evening for my tattoo in Sydney's memory. I have a few ideas so I went in to talk to the tattoo artist and he is going to draw up some designs for me. I know that I want her footprints and I would like something with a butterfly. It will also have her name and birthdate. I think I am going to have it put on my left calf. I already have a tattoo on my right ankle. Eventually I am also going to get something for Christian and Hailey, which I've wanted to do for a long time, but I could never decide on anything. With Sydney, it was easy. I knew I wanted her footprints. It hasn't been easy to decide on a design and I've spent hours looking at other memorial tattoos online. I may end up getting a footprint of each Christian and Hailey, since theirs were much bigger, with names and birthdates also.
It seems like there was more I wanted to say, but my mind has completely blanked now. That's so typical lately.
Last Sunday night, after arguing with my mother in law, I had a complete break down. I sobbed, I yelled, I threw things, I broke things. I was so completely sad and angry and frustrated. After my temper tantrum, I laid on the couch and cried some more while Eric cleaned up my mess. In my blind rage, I threw a cat statue that one of the kids gave me for Christmas and it broke. I felt so guilty for that. Luckily, Hailey fell asleep before my tantrum, but Christian heard it all. He was very concerned. As I laid on the couch crying, he came and put his arms around me. The way he was standing, at first, I thought it was Eric. Then I opened my eyes and realized it was him. My sweet little 7 year old boy was comforting me. He just held onto me for the longest time and gave me kisses. I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for Christian and Hailey.
I'm going in tomorrow evening for my tattoo in Sydney's memory. I have a few ideas so I went in to talk to the tattoo artist and he is going to draw up some designs for me. I know that I want her footprints and I would like something with a butterfly. It will also have her name and birthdate. I think I am going to have it put on my left calf. I already have a tattoo on my right ankle. Eventually I am also going to get something for Christian and Hailey, which I've wanted to do for a long time, but I could never decide on anything. With Sydney, it was easy. I knew I wanted her footprints. It hasn't been easy to decide on a design and I've spent hours looking at other memorial tattoos online. I may end up getting a footprint of each Christian and Hailey, since theirs were much bigger, with names and birthdates also.
It seems like there was more I wanted to say, but my mind has completely blanked now. That's so typical lately.
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