Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Waves

I'm at this point where my grief seems to come in waves. When it hits, the waves are huge and I feel like it will knock me over. It seems like I can keep myself occupied enough to not feel the full brunt of my grief all the time, but then it just hits me, out of nowhere and I'm a mess.

We are quickly coming up on the six month mark. I really can't believe it has been almost 6 months. I feel like I'm losing some of the details of her birth and our time together. Sometimes when I think back, I feel like I'm outside of myself, watching what is happening. I miss my baby girl so much. My arms still ache to hold her. I wish I knew what she would've looked like today. She was a pretty good mix of Christian and Hailey, but it's hard for me to imagine.

I'm kind of mad at myself right now because I agreed to go out of town for work on Monday and Tuesday, the 10th and 11th. Every month on the 10th, I've gone to the cemetery. I didn't even realize until after I said I would go that it was on the 10th. I guess I'll go to the cemetery the day before. They still haven't installed her stone. I'm not sure when that will be done. I may call them to find out.

I have decided that I'm over this whole "don't talk about Sydney" thing that some people we know have decided is the way to handle this. If they can't acknowledge her, then I don't want them in my life. This isn't some phase or something I'll ever get over. I'm carrying on with my life because I have to, but that doesn't mean I'll ever go back to who I was before. If people don't like it, we can all agree to go our separate ways, whether I'm related to them or not. Eric posted a Facebook status to that effect and a member of his family actually commented back and said, "What do you want people to say exactly?" Are people really so clueless? Would she ask that to someone who lost their spouse, parent, grandparent, or anybody older? Would it be so hard to ask how we are doing, if there is anything they can do for us (like taking the kids for a couple of days to give us a break). I wouldn't dare dream of them asking to see her pictures, going to the cemetery, or talking openly about her.


5 comments:

Mary said...

Jaime, I am so sorry you are having those waves as I am going through the same thing. I started a "positive" blog for Lukas. I've asked IRL people to take pics of Lukas' name when they go places as I have family that travels a lot and I have wanted to shut it down lately because I have nothing to post. There is no positive side to this and the IRL people would never understand this.

I hope your days become easier.

Emily said...

I'm considering having a t-shirt made up that says "ask me about my daughter". I'm so sick of people being uncomfortable, or ignoring her. Maybe that's our job on this earth, to educate others on how to "handle" this situation. Have you noticed there's been so many blog posts about that recently?

I'm glad to hear you have some moments of sunshine. :)

Kyles said...

Talk about Sydney all you want to Jamie. If people are offended then it's their issue and not yours. We deserve to talk and cry and wish things were different and it we didn't we would not be normal. This is a time when you only need the right people in your life as hard as that seems with friendships.

I know what you mean about the grief. I have been so busy lately and the days just roll into one then it hits me and smashes me completely. All the images and whatifs come back and I feel like I am back to the beginning again.

I lost it just last night thinking that I was losing the memory of the time we had with Sophie.. it's gutwrenching. We are 8 months next week and I miss her more everyday.

take care

Christina said...

((((((((((((Jaime))))))))) Some people just do not know what to say. I know for me its easier because its the internet but in person I never know what to say or if I should say something etc. I hope you get some peace mama.

Bree said...

I would totally buy one of Emily's t-shirts. I was just with my husband's family today. They make me so angry because I spent hours with them and never once did they ask how I was doing through all this. Yet, they spent several minutes talking about a friend of a friend who got into a pretty serious car accident and their child has had some pretty serious injuries. Yes, I felt terrible for this family. But, HELLO, there is a tradegy right in front of your face. Talk to me about it. Anyway, enough about my issues with my in-laws. I love the comment you left on my blog. Ella's blanket was bloody and gross, but I didn't care. I asked the nurse for it, so she gave it to me. I have a teddy bear too that I sometimes wrap up in the blanket. And when we go out of town for the night, Ella's ashes and blanket go with us also. I so get it. I have this crazy fear that our apartment is going to catch fire and all of her things will burn up. My husband carries a copy of his thesis paper everywhere he goes, why can't I carry my child's ashes? Sigh. I hate that we are sufferring like this. Sending a big hug and love to you.