Numb

It has been three months since Sydney was here, alive, and then left. I feel so numb right now. I just don't feel anything. What is wrong with me? Maybe I've been so debilitatingly sad for so long that my emotions are broken or something.

Yesterday was a hard day, without her here, still growing within me. It was hard to get cards the kids made, knowing there will never be cards from her. It was hard to get their sweet little presents made at school, knowing she'll never go to school and bring home presents for me. It was really hard to hold the kids and hear them say, I love you, Mommy, knowing I'll never hear her say I love you.

On Sunday morning, Sydney's 3 month birthday, I woke up at 4:30 a.m. exactly. Every month so far, on the 10th, I've been awake at 4:30 for some reason. I felt her with me again, but it's not enough. I want her here, in a body, so I can hold her, kiss her, see her. We were only supposed to be meeting her in the next 6 weeks or so, not grieving her already being gone for 3 months. It isn't fair, it isn't right. But I can't even get angry about it right now. I feel so helpless and empty without her.