Due date

Today is the day Sydney was due. I've never actually made it to my due date and I probably would've delivered well before now if this hadn't happened. But I know by this time I would've had a baby in my arms. For five months, my life was centered around this date, planning and getting ready, anticipating her arrival. So instead of cuddling my baby girl who should've only been a couple of weeks old, my arms are empty.

In 9 days, I will have lived longer without Sydney than I did with her. It is almost unbelievable to me that 20 weeks ago, we were so happy. We had just found out we were having a baby girl at our 19 week ultrasound. We were already buying little pink dresses and sleepers. We picked out her name and we were calling her that. I couldn't wait until June to see her and hold her. It is hard to believe that only 6 days after that wonderful ultrasound, our world crashed around us and our precious girl was gone.

I'm trying really hard to change my outlook. I am going to try to spend the rest of the day focusing on the good memories--seeing her on ultrasound for the first time, hearing her heartbeat, feeling those first flutters and then the kicks and squirms. I'm going to try not to relive the days leading up to her birth or the events of that morning. I'm going to try to think about the two precious hours that we had with her, how blessed I am to have had that time, and how proud I am of her for fighting so hard to hang on. I want to think about how her fiesty personality shined through even in that short time, how completely perfect and beautiful she was, and how it felt to hold her tiny body in my arms.

Today I want to celebrate her life, not mourn for her death. Her life was so much more than the two hours she had here and she deserves to have that remembered.