Surgery tomorrow

Tomorrow at 9 am, I have my gallbladder surgery. I hope it brings some relief. I haven't had any more attacks, but overall I just feel kind of off. Hard to explain. My stomach just feels blah most of the time. I've also committed to myself that when I come home from the hospital, I'm getting back on my lap band plan (if you don't know, I had Lap Band weight loss surgery on Feb. 28, 2008, and lost 100 lbs in 7 months before I got pregnant). I have about 75 lbs to lose to get to my goal. Eric and I have agreed that when I lose at least another 60 lbs or so, we'll start trying to get pregnant. We think. That's the general plan.

My thoughts on getting pregnant again are all over the board. Some days, I want to get pregnant again immediately. My body yearns for another baby. Other days, I don't think I'll ever want to try again. I'm terrified of losing another baby. So we've decided to leave it in God's hands. Well, after a few things get taken care of first. I'm waiting to hear back about my cultures to see if I need to be treated for Mycoplasma and I will not let myself get pregnant without knowing since that may be the cause of my pre-term labor and PPROM. Eric and I both need treatment if I have mycoplasma. I also need to lose a minimum of 30 lbs or so before I'm comfortable with going off birth control. We've decided to let things happen and not use fertility drugs or anything. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and it took us almost 2 years to conceive Christian, then Hailey and Sydney were both surprises, so we really don't know how easy or difficult it would be to get pregnant again. If we aren't blessed with a pregnancy naturally, we will not resort to extreme measures, we'll accept that it isn't God's will in our lives.

On top of everything, I feel guilty for thinking about having another baby. I was supposed to still be carrying Sydney. I don't want to get pregnant before June because this was supposed to be her time in my womb. I feel like I'm betraying her by wanting another baby. I hope that she understands and knows my heart. I cannot have her, it is completely impossible for that to happen. Another baby will NOT ever replace her or how I feel about her, it will not mend my broken heart or add back the missing piece of my soul. I am so angry that I even have to make this decision. Sydney was supposed to be our last baby, our little surprise that was meant to be and beat the odds to get here. Now I'm left with nothing except this pain and anguish, little clothes and pictures, a heart that's so full of love that it might explode, and empty arms. But will another baby do anything to soothe me? Or am I putting a really big responsibility on a tiny soul? I don't think this is a decision I can make, not now, maybe not ever. So I give it to the Lord and ask Him to lead us down the right road for our family. I pray that His will would be for us to have a living baby to bring home, but I have to be able to accept that he may bless us with another baby who becomes an angel far too soon.

Pray for me in surgery tomorrow. I'm not nervous or afraid. I used to be afraid of dying (not that I think I'll die, but you never know), but not anymore. I'm terrified of the thought of Christian and Hailey growing up without a mother most definitely. But if it is my time, I know that the most wonderful gift is waiting for me in Heaven. My Sydney. I look forward to that day. But as much as I miss her and wish we were together, she's in very good hands right now and Christian and Hailey do need me so much. I want to see them grow up and experience their lives. As much as it hurts me to think it, my baby doesn't need me right now and Christian and Hailey do. Sometimes I think that she does need me, what if she's alone or afraid, then I remember, she's in Heaven. There are no tears in Heaven, she will never know loneliness or hunger or fear. If my baby has to be anywhere except with me, that's where I would want her to be.