School days

When Hailey started school this year, I was dreading their first "family" assignment. The first graders do the same project every year. They get a construction paper house and you are asked to add pictures of your family. It wasn't a question to me of whether or not we should add Sydney's picture. However, Hailey was the one who had to get up in front of her class and present her house.

When the house came home with her, I asked her who we should add pictures of. She said, "Um, Mommy...and Daddy...and Christian, and me, and Tigger, Joey and Simba (The cats)...and Sydney!" So that is exactly what we did. I'm curious to know what the teacher thought. She was Christian's 1st grade teacher as well, so she knows us well. I wrote notes to both kids' teachers to explain what had happened and let them know that it might come up.

Last week, Hailey brought home another paper that she'd done in class. I don't really know what they call them. You write a sentence in the middle, then draw
pictures and add sentences in four squares around the page. This one was about family. She drew me in one square, then Eric and Christian (wearing funny brown dome hats) in another square. In the third square, she drew a baby and wrote, "I love my baby sister."

It warms my heart to know that they love her so much. But it also breaks my heart that they have to deal with this pain as well.

And poor Christian. His teacher is pregnant. That hit me like a ton of bricks when I met her at open house. She goes out on maternity leave next month. All of the kids keep talking about her baby and it upsets Christian. He mentioned it to his teacher one day. She got a note on the first day of school, just as Hailey's teacher did. She told him, "Oh, that's right, I'd forgotten." WTF, lady? Are you serious? I don't care that she forgot, but why would you SAY that to a child? Couldn't she think of something else, anything else to say to him in that moment? Even a "I'm sorry" or something. It amazes me that people can work with kids and not know anything about relating to them.

For a moment

You know those moments when you are falling asleep and you're still half conscious, but also half asleep? I have had some of the strangest, most vivid "mini dreams," as Eric and I call them, in those moments. Two times recently, well in the last couple of months, I've had what I can only call a glimpse. The first time, I wasn't really sure what it was. I was dozing off on the couch one evening. As my eyes closed and I started to drift, I saw something in my mind. It was only for a moment and then it was gone. I startled awake and realized what I had just seen--it was a chubby baby upper arm. For that single moment, I saw a creamy white plump baby arm/shoulder. Her arm and shoulder. I tried with all my might to get back to sleep and see it again. I wanted to see what was connected to it. Nothing. It was gone.

The second time it happened, it startled me just as much. It was pretty much the same situation. I was completely exhausted and drifting off to sleep unexpectedly. For a moment that was all too brief, I saw her beautiful face. I saw her profile and she was sleeping. She looked so much like her brother, but also like her sister, and she had a headful of dark hair. She looked just as I imagined she might. And then the glimpse was over. I couldn't hold onto it for more than a moment once again. It hasn't happened since.

I sound crazy. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm having delusions. Maybe I'm desperate for any little thing I can hold on to.

Eric and I have been talking about our faith. We're trying to hold fast to our beliefs, we really are. It feels like God has forgotten us. I told him that I just don't have it in me to have blind faith anymore. I need some kind of proof, something that shows me that this world isn't a bunch of random events that have no purpose.

Since we've already established that I'm crazy, I guess this won't come as a shock. I think God is giving me signs. And they are coming from Facebook of all places. (I told you I'm crazy) There is an application on Facebook called "God wants you to know." You can click it once a day and it gives you some sort of little message. Mine are freaky accurate.

So this was the first one:
"Jaime got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that tonight you can turn your worries to God, and have a good night's sleep.
You've been worrying too much about the future lately. So tonight, go ahead, put your faith in God, and just have a peaceful evening and a restful sleep."

Woah, weird. Pretty accurate--I sleep like shit these days and I'm always exhausted. But I figured, that's interesting, whatever.

Then I got this one:
"Jaime got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are.
If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it."

Er...hmmm...this one made me think.

Then tonight, I got this:
"Jaime got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that you've been driving yourself too hard lately.
Sure, there is time to invest yourself fully into work, but there is equally important time for joyful resting. And for you, this time is now. What is the absolutely most wonderful little treat you can give yourself? Do it today."

That seems benign, right? Except today I had to take off work because Hailey was sick and I was feeling horribly guilty all day about it. I could probably be labeled a workaholic, to be honest.

I'm sure by now, you are raising your eyebrows and thinking, "This chick is NUTS, she thinks God is speaking to her through Facebook, I hope she can get some good medication." It is very bizarre that the very night Eric and I had that conversation, I got that first message. I'll readily admit that I'm no biblical scholar. Scripture isn't going to say much to me because I just don't get it. I can't readily recall pertinent verses. So if God wants to speak to me, Facebook is a really good place to do it. LOL

The cycle begins

Tomorrow is my birthday and I've been dreading it. I'm not in the mood to celebrate, but that really has nothing to do with it. Last year, I had my last period before conceiving Sydney during the week of my birthday. So that has been the reminder and the point where I'll start hitting one year anniversaries of all the things that happened, culminating in her birthday. Sydney was conceived around October 4th. I found out I was pregnant on October 26, saw her for the first time on ultrasound on October 31...and on and on. It brings back so many bittersweet memories. I had no idea how happy I was then.

I'm trying hard to get myself together. I have been a complete mess for the last few weeks. I miss Sydney so much. I don't know how I am going to live without her for the rest of my life. I've been having major anxiety lately. Fortunately, it hasn't manifested in panic attacks again, but it comes in the form of total paranoia. I get these thoughts and visions in my head, always horrible things, of the kids getting hurt or Eric getting hurt and other horrific things. I'm seeing a new primary doctor in a couple of weeks and I'm going to ask about changing my medication. I was taking Effexor, which worked very well for me, but the high risk OB said he doesn't like it during pregnancy and I should switch to Wellbutrin or Zoloft. I've taken Zoloft before and after a while, it just stopped working. So I decided to try Wellbutrin. Effexor and Zoloft also control anxiety, but Wellbutrin does not. So I think I need to switch to Zoloft. I can't handle these awful thoughts and fears. I've had this problem to an extent in the past, but it is constant and uncontrollable right now.

I already got my birthday present from Eric and the kids. I didn't hint this time, I just told him, get me this. It is a Willow Tree figure called Angel of Mine. The description on it says, "So loved. So very loved." It is beautiful and I love it. This is it:

In the sky

If there is one bright spot in this babylost world, it is the members of this community. I've had Sydney's memory honored in so many ways, from her name written in the sand on Christian's beach, to Lea's Angel Wings, and Bree's butterflies. The newest is Ashley's Babies in the Sky gallery. Ashley was kind enough to write Sydney's name for me and post it on her blog. Beautiful!

My psychic experience

I've been meaning to write about this for a while and got sidetracked. Ever since Sydney died, I've felt a strong urge to see a psychic. I put it out my mind for a while, but about a month ago, it started nagging me again. I searched online and came back to someone who stuck out to me when I first thought about it.

It was a very interesting experience. As we started, she only knew my name. Right away, she told me very true and accurate things. She told me that I'd had a recent loss of a significant female, then she told me that she saw a little girl around me. We discussed my children and Sydney came up. We talked about her and she told me that Sydney has dark curly hair and she's with an older female who crossed over already. Ever since Sydney died, I've believed that she is with my grandma. I know that my grandma would adore her and take care of her until I get there.

Those things alone probably wouldn't convince me of anything. But combined with all of the other things she said about my personality, my current personal and professional situations, and my kids, I believe it. I got a tape recording of the session and played it for Eric. He was a total skeptic, but once he heard it, he was really amazed too.

Things have been pretty calm for the last week or two. Once again, we failed to conceive this month. It's very frustrating. I'm still trying to decide if we're going to try this month. If I were to get pregnant, I would be due about a week or so before I was due with Sydney this year. I don't know if I can emotionally handle going through those same stages close to the same time that I did with her. But I also want to be pregnant again so badly, the sooner the better.

It seems like every time I turn around, I'm hearing a story about another baby or child dying. I'm so sick of it. Every time I hear about another mother losing her child, I feel like I lose my faith a little more. This world makes no sense to me anymore.

Honest scrap

Today I was given the Honest Scrap award by Isla's Mommy. Thank you, Melissa!

In order to accept this award, I have to name seven bloggers who write from the heart and then I have to list ten interesting things about myself.

My nominees must post this on their blog and leave comments for their 7 nominees.

My nominees are:

Kayla at Lewis Twins

Mary at Nobody Knows It But Me How I'm Missing Lukas

Bree at My Baby Butterfly Ella

Mia at Our Anencephaly Journey

Dawn at Inanna Journey

Emily at Mumblings from Troy Ohio

Lea at Nicholas' Touch

Ok, now 10 interesting things about me:

1) The first night that I met my husband, I knew I was going to marry him. It wasn't really love at first sight, but a connection and I knew it. He really annoyed me at first though, so I kind of hoped I was wrong and he'd go away. He grew on me.

2) I spent my entire high school career planning for college, grad school, etc. I went away to school, had too much fun, and left after one year. I attempted another year, still screwed up, and then got married. I finally went back to college when I was 27.

3) During my senior year of high school, I won first place in regionals and second place in state for a science project and presentation competition. I still have no idea how I did it because I am terrified of public speaking.

4) It soothes me to look up statistics on whatever issues are going on in my life. I can rattle off stats on weight loss surgery, incompetent cervix, preemie survival rates, PCOS, and more.

5) I graduated summa cum laude with my associate's degree in May of this year.

6) I am named after Jamie Lee Curtis. My dad had a crush on her. My mom chose to spell my name Jaime because she thought it was more feminine. My own grandmother can't spell my name after almost 31 years.

7) My most passionate topic is breastfeeding. I didn't breastfeed Christian. I tried and failed. I then read about the benefits of breastfeeding and became very outspoken. When Hailey was born, it took 6 weeks of pumping around the clock and trying to teach her to breastfeed before she caught on. She nursed until she was 3 1/2, then she self weaned.

8) I remember numbers freakishly well. I can remember any phone number that I have dialed. At work, I could often remember customer's social security numbers. If someone tells me to remember something that involves a number, I can do it. My memory sucks for anything else.

9) I hate the month of February. Crappy things always happen to us in February. Hailey was born in February, which was great, but she was 7 weeks early, I was very sick from pre-eclampsia, and it was a very stressful time for us. Valentine's day is always a disaster. Eric had a very bad car accident in February 2001. Sydney was born and died in February. We've lost two babies that were due in February. I do not like February at all.

10) I had weight loss surgery (Lap Band) on February 28, 2008, which is one good thing that has happened in February. In the first seven months after surgery, I lost 100 pounds, then got pregnant. Since having Sydney, I lost the weight I gained while pregnant, then gained 15 pounds back, and have since only lost 5 of those 15 pounds. I'm trying really hard to get back into weight loss mode because I would like to lose another 50-75 pounds.

Nevaeh Grace

Mia delivered her precious baby girl Nevaeh today. She had anencephaly. Nevaeh lived for one hour. Please pray for this family as they grieve for their sweet angel. It breaks my heart to know that another mother is missing her baby tonight. :*(

Thank you, Bree!

It amazes me that even in the midst of their own pain, amazing women reach out to comfort the rest of us. This butterfly was made by Bree, Ella's mommy, and someone with a story so like my own. Thank you so much, Bree. This means so much to me.

Sydney's angel wings came in the mail from Lea. They are even more beautiful in person. Thank you again, Lea!

We finally decided on the inscription for Sydney's brick at the Angel of Hope. The fall dedication will be some time in October or November. I'm keeping the inscription to myself for now, but it is kind of funny how we came up with it. I told Eric, we have to do this. The order is due September 20 (my birthday) and I've been thinking about it here and there, but 3 lines of 15 characters each is hard. Yesterday I mentioned it to him. I started typing out some things, trying to get it down to 15 characters a line. He made a suggestion that was quite similar to what I was thinking. I said, well I was thinking of something like that and a certain song gave me the idea. He said, that song gave me my idea too. Weird, huh?

I feel Sydney around me a lot lately. It's a very strong feeling. Yesterday, we were outside and a beautiful butterfly was flying all around. It kept flying all around our front step, where we were standing. I see butterflies all the time now. I don't remember ever seeing them as often as I do now. They make me smile every time I see them.

Six months

It has been six months since my entire world was turned upside down and I was left brokenhearted, with empty arms and a grief that no mother should ever have to bear. Some times it is hard to believe that six months have already passed, but other times, I can't believe it has only been six months.

My beautiful girl came to me in my dreams again. This time, she was born early and was the same size and everything. The doctor tried this weird treatment of submerging her in a tube of fluid to develop her lungs, but it didn't work. I took her out of the tube and everything about her was just as I remember. The shape of her little head, with the dark coloring where hair was ready to grow in. The long fingers, arms, and legs. And that sweet face. I cleaned her up and dressed her in a tiny soft sleeper and held her. While I held her, she opened her eyes. I longed to see her eyes, but they were still fused shut when she was born. I finally saw her eyes. They were a very deep blue. She moved all around in my arms, looked at me, and at one point lifted her tiny head up off of my chest. Then I just woke up. I hate to wake up from those dreams. I long for the next.

Waves

I'm at this point where my grief seems to come in waves. When it hits, the waves are huge and I feel like it will knock me over. It seems like I can keep myself occupied enough to not feel the full brunt of my grief all the time, but then it just hits me, out of nowhere and I'm a mess.

We are quickly coming up on the six month mark. I really can't believe it has been almost 6 months. I feel like I'm losing some of the details of her birth and our time together. Sometimes when I think back, I feel like I'm outside of myself, watching what is happening. I miss my baby girl so much. My arms still ache to hold her. I wish I knew what she would've looked like today. She was a pretty good mix of Christian and Hailey, but it's hard for me to imagine.

I'm kind of mad at myself right now because I agreed to go out of town for work on Monday and Tuesday, the 10th and 11th. Every month on the 10th, I've gone to the cemetery. I didn't even realize until after I said I would go that it was on the 10th. I guess I'll go to the cemetery the day before. They still haven't installed her stone. I'm not sure when that will be done. I may call them to find out.

I have decided that I'm over this whole "don't talk about Sydney" thing that some people we know have decided is the way to handle this. If they can't acknowledge her, then I don't want them in my life. This isn't some phase or something I'll ever get over. I'm carrying on with my life because I have to, but that doesn't mean I'll ever go back to who I was before. If people don't like it, we can all agree to go our separate ways, whether I'm related to them or not. Eric posted a Facebook status to that effect and a member of his family actually commented back and said, "What do you want people to say exactly?" Are people really so clueless? Would she ask that to someone who lost their spouse, parent, grandparent, or anybody older? Would it be so hard to ask how we are doing, if there is anything they can do for us (like taking the kids for a couple of days to give us a break). I wouldn't dare dream of them asking to see her pictures, going to the cemetery, or talking openly about her.