New blog

I've decided to move to a new blog. I will still be writing (hopefully more regularly) about life after loss, grief, and also parenting after loss. I feel like I need a new format to blog about not only Sydney, but Kelsey and other aspects of my life.

My new blog is: Butterflies and Rainbows

Our Rainbow has arrived!

Kelsey Grace has arrived, safe and sound. She was born on August 1, 2010, at 12:31 am, by c-section. She weighed 3 lbs 15 ozs and was 18 inches long. She arrived at exactly 31 weeks due to pre-eclampsia. My cerclage did an amazing job, even after its removal. I never dilated past 4 cm and we think that the cerclage caused scar tissue which prevented dilation.

Kelsey is in NICU right now, but she is doing amazingly well. She was in the 90th percentile for weight and length at birth. She was intubated after birth, given two doses of surfactant, then extubated later the same day. She has been on nasal canula, but that was removed of Friday so now at 6 days old, she is breathing room air on her own!

She is beautiful and amazing. We truly feel that Sydney handpicked this miracle and sent her to us. She is all we asked for and more. I know that Sydney is smiling down on us and her new little sister.

Something for Sydney and a baby update

Thank you to Laura, Cara's mommy, for this beautiful picture. I love to see Sydney's name. :)

I've been kind of ambivalent about posting about my pregnancy. It was hard for me to read other loss blogs when new pregnancies were announced. But really, this pregnancy is a continuation of my journey. This baby wouldn't be with us if not for Sydney.

I will be 24 weeks pregnant on Sunday the 13th. I had a transvaginal cerclage placed at 15 weeks, on April 13, and it appeared to be just in the nick of time. At that time, my cervix was less than 30 mm and very soft. I've been having cervical length ultrasounds every 2 weeks and my cervical length has been stable at 40-43 mm since 17 weeks. We are so grateful to be this close to viability. I hope to be able to relax a little after it passes, but I don't know if I'm capable of not constantly worrying.

At 17 weeks, we found out that we are having another baby girl! I had mixed feelings on the baby's gender up until we found out, thinking it would be easier to raise a boy than a girl after losing Sydney. But we are all so excited and I can't wait to have another little girl running around. Her name is Kelsey Grace. Kelsey is a name that I really liked and it goes with our pattern for girl names (Hailey, Sydney, Kelsey). Grace is because it is by God's grace that she is here with us.

So far, I've been relatively healthy and Kelsey is doing great. All of the ultrasounds and tests have been nothing but good news. I've been having some blood pressure issues recently and just started medication. I also had to go to L&D last week for some cramping and contractions, which turned out to be caused by a UTI. I'm still working, but after work, I'm mostly supposed to rest. I'm really glad that I haven't had to stop working yet because I'm not sure how we'd manage that financially.

Though I haven't been posting, I'm still reading blogs and thinking of and praying for all of my fellow LBMs.

Update

I've been scarce lately. I haven't blogged, I haven't gone to support groups. I felt the need to separate myself from sadness. I feel badly for that. But sometimes, it is just so overwhelming to hear all the things that can and do happen to babies every day, especially while I'm trying to grow a new baby.

The pregnancy is going well. I'll be 13 weeks tomorrow. As time passes, I only get more anxious. I still haven't gotten a definite answer from my OB about a cerclage, but we will discuss it again this week. My blood pressure has been high and I'm feeling very stressed. I'm on an emotional roller coaster, as I try to reconcile my grief for Sydney with the desire for this new baby. I feel like everybody around me is just waiting for it to happen again, that nobody is genuinely happy about this baby or expected us to have a living child after this pregnancy is over. Maybe that's just paranoia. I want to be clueless, I want to be naive. But I can't and I hate that. I have no control over the outcome of this pregnancy and that is making me nuts.

Sydney's birthday

We had a great day on Sydney's birthday. We planned a day to remember, honor, and celebrate her life. It was a beautiful and memorable day.

The day started at 4:30 am, the time of her birth. Eric and I got up, lit a candle, turned on our "Sydney" music, and looked at her pictures. We let the candle burn for just over two hours then blew it out. We went back to sleep for a little bit and when we woke up, there was a knock at the door. Eric answered it and it was a delivery driver from a local florist. Three wonderful friends from a message board that I post on sent us a HUGE bunch of purple balloons. I think I counted 21 balloons. When I logged into Facebook, I found that a bunch of my friends from that board had changed their profile picture to a picture of purple balloons and many of them released balloons from where they were. It meant so much to us that they were thinking of us and remembering Sydney with us on her day.

We went to the cemetery first. We took balloons, flowers, and decorations. We released some purple balloons for Sydney and left some birthday balloons at her gravesite. We brought cupcakes with us. We lit candles on them, sang Happy birthday to Sydney, and then the wind blew out the candles. It was very cold and there was 4-5 inches of snow on the ground, so we couldn't stay long.

After that, we went to the Butterfly House. None of us had ever been there before, but I knew that was where we needed to go. It was AMAZING. The butterflies just fly around in the open. Eric had several land on him. Right as we were about to leave, one landed on me. It was so peaceful (except for my children, who were scared of the butterflies).

The day was just what I needed. It was very healing for me.

Balloon bouquet



Getting ready to release balloons



Decorations



Some butterflies

(I swear, this same butterfly landed on Eric 2 or 3 times)











And, in other news:

Happy birthday, Sydney!

Happy 1st birthday in Heaven, beautiful girl. I love you and miss you more than anybody can imagine. I can't believe it has been a year since you were in my arms. I hope that you are having an amazing birthday party with all of the other angels.

Beautiful

Thank you so much to Jessica at Forever Remembered Photo Collages for this beautiful collage. It is perfect and just beautiful.

Amazing

I recently found this site Midnight Orange on etsy.com. She makes beautiful sculptures, including angel sculptures. I've been looking at them for months now and just before Christmas, she added butterfly angels. Butterflies symbolize Sydney to me. When I saw it, I knew it was perfect and I had to have it. My wonderful husband ordered one for me and it arrived today. Of course, I'm still in Chicago, but I let him open it and send me pictures. It is beautiful. I can't wait to see it in person. You can't tell in these pictuers, but Eric said it is really tiny too.

It has been awhile

I haven't posted in quite awhile. I'm not sure why, other than I feel like I'm saying the same things over and over. We're still TTC and that has been disappointing. Last month, my period was 2 days later than normal. My cycles have been 28 days exactly since March. I guess I ovulated a couple of days late last cycle. I've been swamped with work and school, as usual.

We went to the cemetery and took a small Christmas tree and some other things out there. They have finally set the headstone into the ground. Eric went by there one day after work and saw that it had been done, but it still hit me hard. It is so permanent. This was the first time I'd been to the cemetery in quite a while. Again, I don't know why. I think I said it awhile ago, but I think I'm avoiding, which isn't good.

Eric and I picked a baby from the Salvation Army's angel tree online. She's 6 months old. I wanted to buy for a baby girl the same age as Sydney should've been. It was so hard to shop for this baby girl when I want to shop for my baby girl so much. I hoped it would make me feel better, but I don't know. I just miss Sydney so much. Last Christmas, I was so excited to think about having a new baby for this Christmas and celebrating her first Christmas this year. She should be here.

Share Walk and Angel of Hope

We've had a busy couple of weeks.

October 24th was the Share Walk for Remembrance and Hope. It was a beautiful day, a little chilly, but absolutely gorgeous out. Eric, the kids, and I walked, along with a friend of mine, Linda. We, of course, saw many of our new friends from Share and Heartprints there. Here are a couple of pictures.

Sydney's balloons


The four of us


Balloons floating away


Then on Sunday, Nov. 1, we went to the Angel of Hope brick dedication ceremony. The weather had been awful all week, but it finally cleared up over the weekend so it was beautiful again. The ceremony was great and then we finally saw Sydney's brick:



If you can't read it (not sure how the picture will look on here), it says:
Sydney Granger
Feb 10, 2009
Fly Little Wing

The last line is from the song "Fly" by Celine Dion. It's on my play list. I love the song. It's probably my current favorite. Here are the lyrics:

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

Sydney's Collage

Thank you to Franchesca at Abiding Hope Collages for Sydney's Collage.

Here it is:

Sydney's candle

Tonight I went to my Glory Babies meeting and lit candles with my friend Jen. This is the candle I made for Sydney.



Eric also lit a candle at home.

October 15th

Tonight I will light candles in memory of Sydney and my other two early loss angels, as well as for the babies of all of my baby lost mama friends. I love you all and I'm thinking of your sweet angels today.

Our weekend

Last weekend, I hoped for an uneventful, relaxing weekend. That was not to be. On Friday night, Hailey seemed to be breathing funny--a little too fast, a little hard. I called the pediatrician and he said to keep an eye on her. Saturday morning, we woke up a little before 7. Hailey came into my room and she was loudly wheezing and really struggling to breathe. I freaked out and we headed to the nearest ER. They got her stabilized with breathing treatments and transferred her to one of our local children's hospitals. She stayed there for two nights, on oxygen, monitors, breathing treatments, steroids. By Monday morning, she was as good as new and we finally brought her home. She's going to have further testing to see if she has asthma or if this was some weird reaction to a virus.

Do you know how nervewracking it is to have a very sick child after losing a child? It was hell, to put it simply. I was terrified. I felt so vulnerable. The worst has happened to us--who says it can't happen again? I was a complete wreck, just trying to keep it together for her. I prayed over and over, pleaded with God to let her be okay, to not take another of my babies. I've had a hard time sleeping because I'm worried she'll stop breathing in her sleep.

When I had to be induced with Sydney, after the Pitocin was hooked up, the IV pump kept malfunctioning and beeping. Saturday morning in the ER, Hailey got an IV and the pump malfunctioned and started beeping. That totally set me off and I got really panicky and upset. There were so many moments in the hospital that I just wanted to scoop up my girl and run away.

Hailey is such a sweetheart. She told EVERYBODY we encountered all about her baby sister. During one breathing treatment, the first respiratory therapist asked her if she had brothers and she put up one finger. Then she asked if she had sisters and again, she put up one finger. The therapist said, I have a sister too, aren't sisters a pain in the butt? Hailey shook her head emphatically. The therapist said, oh your sister isn't a pain? Do you want to trade? Again, Hailey shook her head. Right about then, her treatment was done. As soon as she could talk again, she said, Do you know why I can't trade my baby sister? Because she is in Heaven. She died. The therapist looked like she wanted to crawl under a rock. At first, I considered shutting her up, but then as she kept going, I figured she deserved whatever Hailey said to her. I don't expect people to know we have a dead baby, but they also need to think about it before they run their mouths. Why would you even ask a 6 year old if their sister was a pain in the butt? That's just rude even if the sister in question was alive and well, IMO.

School days

When Hailey started school this year, I was dreading their first "family" assignment. The first graders do the same project every year. They get a construction paper house and you are asked to add pictures of your family. It wasn't a question to me of whether or not we should add Sydney's picture. However, Hailey was the one who had to get up in front of her class and present her house.

When the house came home with her, I asked her who we should add pictures of. She said, "Um, Mommy...and Daddy...and Christian, and me, and Tigger, Joey and Simba (The cats)...and Sydney!" So that is exactly what we did. I'm curious to know what the teacher thought. She was Christian's 1st grade teacher as well, so she knows us well. I wrote notes to both kids' teachers to explain what had happened and let them know that it might come up.

Last week, Hailey brought home another paper that she'd done in class. I don't really know what they call them. You write a sentence in the middle, then draw
pictures and add sentences in four squares around the page. This one was about family. She drew me in one square, then Eric and Christian (wearing funny brown dome hats) in another square. In the third square, she drew a baby and wrote, "I love my baby sister."

It warms my heart to know that they love her so much. But it also breaks my heart that they have to deal with this pain as well.

And poor Christian. His teacher is pregnant. That hit me like a ton of bricks when I met her at open house. She goes out on maternity leave next month. All of the kids keep talking about her baby and it upsets Christian. He mentioned it to his teacher one day. She got a note on the first day of school, just as Hailey's teacher did. She told him, "Oh, that's right, I'd forgotten." WTF, lady? Are you serious? I don't care that she forgot, but why would you SAY that to a child? Couldn't she think of something else, anything else to say to him in that moment? Even a "I'm sorry" or something. It amazes me that people can work with kids and not know anything about relating to them.

For a moment

You know those moments when you are falling asleep and you're still half conscious, but also half asleep? I have had some of the strangest, most vivid "mini dreams," as Eric and I call them, in those moments. Two times recently, well in the last couple of months, I've had what I can only call a glimpse. The first time, I wasn't really sure what it was. I was dozing off on the couch one evening. As my eyes closed and I started to drift, I saw something in my mind. It was only for a moment and then it was gone. I startled awake and realized what I had just seen--it was a chubby baby upper arm. For that single moment, I saw a creamy white plump baby arm/shoulder. Her arm and shoulder. I tried with all my might to get back to sleep and see it again. I wanted to see what was connected to it. Nothing. It was gone.

The second time it happened, it startled me just as much. It was pretty much the same situation. I was completely exhausted and drifting off to sleep unexpectedly. For a moment that was all too brief, I saw her beautiful face. I saw her profile and she was sleeping. She looked so much like her brother, but also like her sister, and she had a headful of dark hair. She looked just as I imagined she might. And then the glimpse was over. I couldn't hold onto it for more than a moment once again. It hasn't happened since.

I sound crazy. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm having delusions. Maybe I'm desperate for any little thing I can hold on to.

Eric and I have been talking about our faith. We're trying to hold fast to our beliefs, we really are. It feels like God has forgotten us. I told him that I just don't have it in me to have blind faith anymore. I need some kind of proof, something that shows me that this world isn't a bunch of random events that have no purpose.

Since we've already established that I'm crazy, I guess this won't come as a shock. I think God is giving me signs. And they are coming from Facebook of all places. (I told you I'm crazy) There is an application on Facebook called "God wants you to know." You can click it once a day and it gives you some sort of little message. Mine are freaky accurate.

So this was the first one:
"Jaime got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that tonight you can turn your worries to God, and have a good night's sleep.
You've been worrying too much about the future lately. So tonight, go ahead, put your faith in God, and just have a peaceful evening and a restful sleep."

Woah, weird. Pretty accurate--I sleep like shit these days and I'm always exhausted. But I figured, that's interesting, whatever.

Then I got this one:
"Jaime got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are.
If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it."

Er...hmmm...this one made me think.

Then tonight, I got this:
"Jaime got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that you've been driving yourself too hard lately.
Sure, there is time to invest yourself fully into work, but there is equally important time for joyful resting. And for you, this time is now. What is the absolutely most wonderful little treat you can give yourself? Do it today."

That seems benign, right? Except today I had to take off work because Hailey was sick and I was feeling horribly guilty all day about it. I could probably be labeled a workaholic, to be honest.

I'm sure by now, you are raising your eyebrows and thinking, "This chick is NUTS, she thinks God is speaking to her through Facebook, I hope she can get some good medication." It is very bizarre that the very night Eric and I had that conversation, I got that first message. I'll readily admit that I'm no biblical scholar. Scripture isn't going to say much to me because I just don't get it. I can't readily recall pertinent verses. So if God wants to speak to me, Facebook is a really good place to do it. LOL

The cycle begins

Tomorrow is my birthday and I've been dreading it. I'm not in the mood to celebrate, but that really has nothing to do with it. Last year, I had my last period before conceiving Sydney during the week of my birthday. So that has been the reminder and the point where I'll start hitting one year anniversaries of all the things that happened, culminating in her birthday. Sydney was conceived around October 4th. I found out I was pregnant on October 26, saw her for the first time on ultrasound on October 31...and on and on. It brings back so many bittersweet memories. I had no idea how happy I was then.

I'm trying hard to get myself together. I have been a complete mess for the last few weeks. I miss Sydney so much. I don't know how I am going to live without her for the rest of my life. I've been having major anxiety lately. Fortunately, it hasn't manifested in panic attacks again, but it comes in the form of total paranoia. I get these thoughts and visions in my head, always horrible things, of the kids getting hurt or Eric getting hurt and other horrific things. I'm seeing a new primary doctor in a couple of weeks and I'm going to ask about changing my medication. I was taking Effexor, which worked very well for me, but the high risk OB said he doesn't like it during pregnancy and I should switch to Wellbutrin or Zoloft. I've taken Zoloft before and after a while, it just stopped working. So I decided to try Wellbutrin. Effexor and Zoloft also control anxiety, but Wellbutrin does not. So I think I need to switch to Zoloft. I can't handle these awful thoughts and fears. I've had this problem to an extent in the past, but it is constant and uncontrollable right now.

I already got my birthday present from Eric and the kids. I didn't hint this time, I just told him, get me this. It is a Willow Tree figure called Angel of Mine. The description on it says, "So loved. So very loved." It is beautiful and I love it. This is it:

In the sky

If there is one bright spot in this babylost world, it is the members of this community. I've had Sydney's memory honored in so many ways, from her name written in the sand on Christian's beach, to Lea's Angel Wings, and Bree's butterflies. The newest is Ashley's Babies in the Sky gallery. Ashley was kind enough to write Sydney's name for me and post it on her blog. Beautiful!

My psychic experience

I've been meaning to write about this for a while and got sidetracked. Ever since Sydney died, I've felt a strong urge to see a psychic. I put it out my mind for a while, but about a month ago, it started nagging me again. I searched online and came back to someone who stuck out to me when I first thought about it.

It was a very interesting experience. As we started, she only knew my name. Right away, she told me very true and accurate things. She told me that I'd had a recent loss of a significant female, then she told me that she saw a little girl around me. We discussed my children and Sydney came up. We talked about her and she told me that Sydney has dark curly hair and she's with an older female who crossed over already. Ever since Sydney died, I've believed that she is with my grandma. I know that my grandma would adore her and take care of her until I get there.

Those things alone probably wouldn't convince me of anything. But combined with all of the other things she said about my personality, my current personal and professional situations, and my kids, I believe it. I got a tape recording of the session and played it for Eric. He was a total skeptic, but once he heard it, he was really amazed too.

Things have been pretty calm for the last week or two. Once again, we failed to conceive this month. It's very frustrating. I'm still trying to decide if we're going to try this month. If I were to get pregnant, I would be due about a week or so before I was due with Sydney this year. I don't know if I can emotionally handle going through those same stages close to the same time that I did with her. But I also want to be pregnant again so badly, the sooner the better.

It seems like every time I turn around, I'm hearing a story about another baby or child dying. I'm so sick of it. Every time I hear about another mother losing her child, I feel like I lose my faith a little more. This world makes no sense to me anymore.

Honest scrap

Today I was given the Honest Scrap award by Isla's Mommy. Thank you, Melissa!

In order to accept this award, I have to name seven bloggers who write from the heart and then I have to list ten interesting things about myself.

My nominees must post this on their blog and leave comments for their 7 nominees.

My nominees are:

Kayla at Lewis Twins

Mary at Nobody Knows It But Me How I'm Missing Lukas

Bree at My Baby Butterfly Ella

Mia at Our Anencephaly Journey

Dawn at Inanna Journey

Emily at Mumblings from Troy Ohio

Lea at Nicholas' Touch

Ok, now 10 interesting things about me:

1) The first night that I met my husband, I knew I was going to marry him. It wasn't really love at first sight, but a connection and I knew it. He really annoyed me at first though, so I kind of hoped I was wrong and he'd go away. He grew on me.

2) I spent my entire high school career planning for college, grad school, etc. I went away to school, had too much fun, and left after one year. I attempted another year, still screwed up, and then got married. I finally went back to college when I was 27.

3) During my senior year of high school, I won first place in regionals and second place in state for a science project and presentation competition. I still have no idea how I did it because I am terrified of public speaking.

4) It soothes me to look up statistics on whatever issues are going on in my life. I can rattle off stats on weight loss surgery, incompetent cervix, preemie survival rates, PCOS, and more.

5) I graduated summa cum laude with my associate's degree in May of this year.

6) I am named after Jamie Lee Curtis. My dad had a crush on her. My mom chose to spell my name Jaime because she thought it was more feminine. My own grandmother can't spell my name after almost 31 years.

7) My most passionate topic is breastfeeding. I didn't breastfeed Christian. I tried and failed. I then read about the benefits of breastfeeding and became very outspoken. When Hailey was born, it took 6 weeks of pumping around the clock and trying to teach her to breastfeed before she caught on. She nursed until she was 3 1/2, then she self weaned.

8) I remember numbers freakishly well. I can remember any phone number that I have dialed. At work, I could often remember customer's social security numbers. If someone tells me to remember something that involves a number, I can do it. My memory sucks for anything else.

9) I hate the month of February. Crappy things always happen to us in February. Hailey was born in February, which was great, but she was 7 weeks early, I was very sick from pre-eclampsia, and it was a very stressful time for us. Valentine's day is always a disaster. Eric had a very bad car accident in February 2001. Sydney was born and died in February. We've lost two babies that were due in February. I do not like February at all.

10) I had weight loss surgery (Lap Band) on February 28, 2008, which is one good thing that has happened in February. In the first seven months after surgery, I lost 100 pounds, then got pregnant. Since having Sydney, I lost the weight I gained while pregnant, then gained 15 pounds back, and have since only lost 5 of those 15 pounds. I'm trying really hard to get back into weight loss mode because I would like to lose another 50-75 pounds.