New blog

I've decided to move to a new blog. I will still be writing (hopefully more regularly) about life after loss, grief, and also parenting after loss. I feel like I need a new format to blog about not only Sydney, but Kelsey and other aspects of my life.

My new blog is: Butterflies and Rainbows

Our Rainbow has arrived!

Kelsey Grace has arrived, safe and sound. She was born on August 1, 2010, at 12:31 am, by c-section. She weighed 3 lbs 15 ozs and was 18 inches long. She arrived at exactly 31 weeks due to pre-eclampsia. My cerclage did an amazing job, even after its removal. I never dilated past 4 cm and we think that the cerclage caused scar tissue which prevented dilation.

Kelsey is in NICU right now, but she is doing amazingly well. She was in the 90th percentile for weight and length at birth. She was intubated after birth, given two doses of surfactant, then extubated later the same day. She has been on nasal canula, but that was removed of Friday so now at 6 days old, she is breathing room air on her own!

She is beautiful and amazing. We truly feel that Sydney handpicked this miracle and sent her to us. She is all we asked for and more. I know that Sydney is smiling down on us and her new little sister.

Something for Sydney and a baby update

Thank you to Laura, Cara's mommy, for this beautiful picture. I love to see Sydney's name. :)

I've been kind of ambivalent about posting about my pregnancy. It was hard for me to read other loss blogs when new pregnancies were announced. But really, this pregnancy is a continuation of my journey. This baby wouldn't be with us if not for Sydney.

I will be 24 weeks pregnant on Sunday the 13th. I had a transvaginal cerclage placed at 15 weeks, on April 13, and it appeared to be just in the nick of time. At that time, my cervix was less than 30 mm and very soft. I've been having cervical length ultrasounds every 2 weeks and my cervical length has been stable at 40-43 mm since 17 weeks. We are so grateful to be this close to viability. I hope to be able to relax a little after it passes, but I don't know if I'm capable of not constantly worrying.

At 17 weeks, we found out that we are having another baby girl! I had mixed feelings on the baby's gender up until we found out, thinking it would be easier to raise a boy than a girl after losing Sydney. But we are all so excited and I can't wait to have another little girl running around. Her name is Kelsey Grace. Kelsey is a name that I really liked and it goes with our pattern for girl names (Hailey, Sydney, Kelsey). Grace is because it is by God's grace that she is here with us.

So far, I've been relatively healthy and Kelsey is doing great. All of the ultrasounds and tests have been nothing but good news. I've been having some blood pressure issues recently and just started medication. I also had to go to L&D last week for some cramping and contractions, which turned out to be caused by a UTI. I'm still working, but after work, I'm mostly supposed to rest. I'm really glad that I haven't had to stop working yet because I'm not sure how we'd manage that financially.

Though I haven't been posting, I'm still reading blogs and thinking of and praying for all of my fellow LBMs.

Update

I've been scarce lately. I haven't blogged, I haven't gone to support groups. I felt the need to separate myself from sadness. I feel badly for that. But sometimes, it is just so overwhelming to hear all the things that can and do happen to babies every day, especially while I'm trying to grow a new baby.

The pregnancy is going well. I'll be 13 weeks tomorrow. As time passes, I only get more anxious. I still haven't gotten a definite answer from my OB about a cerclage, but we will discuss it again this week. My blood pressure has been high and I'm feeling very stressed. I'm on an emotional roller coaster, as I try to reconcile my grief for Sydney with the desire for this new baby. I feel like everybody around me is just waiting for it to happen again, that nobody is genuinely happy about this baby or expected us to have a living child after this pregnancy is over. Maybe that's just paranoia. I want to be clueless, I want to be naive. But I can't and I hate that. I have no control over the outcome of this pregnancy and that is making me nuts.

Sydney's birthday

We had a great day on Sydney's birthday. We planned a day to remember, honor, and celebrate her life. It was a beautiful and memorable day.

The day started at 4:30 am, the time of her birth. Eric and I got up, lit a candle, turned on our "Sydney" music, and looked at her pictures. We let the candle burn for just over two hours then blew it out. We went back to sleep for a little bit and when we woke up, there was a knock at the door. Eric answered it and it was a delivery driver from a local florist. Three wonderful friends from a message board that I post on sent us a HUGE bunch of purple balloons. I think I counted 21 balloons. When I logged into Facebook, I found that a bunch of my friends from that board had changed their profile picture to a picture of purple balloons and many of them released balloons from where they were. It meant so much to us that they were thinking of us and remembering Sydney with us on her day.

We went to the cemetery first. We took balloons, flowers, and decorations. We released some purple balloons for Sydney and left some birthday balloons at her gravesite. We brought cupcakes with us. We lit candles on them, sang Happy birthday to Sydney, and then the wind blew out the candles. It was very cold and there was 4-5 inches of snow on the ground, so we couldn't stay long.

After that, we went to the Butterfly House. None of us had ever been there before, but I knew that was where we needed to go. It was AMAZING. The butterflies just fly around in the open. Eric had several land on him. Right as we were about to leave, one landed on me. It was so peaceful (except for my children, who were scared of the butterflies).

The day was just what I needed. It was very healing for me.

Balloon bouquet



Getting ready to release balloons



Decorations



Some butterflies

(I swear, this same butterfly landed on Eric 2 or 3 times)











And, in other news:

Happy birthday, Sydney!

Happy 1st birthday in Heaven, beautiful girl. I love you and miss you more than anybody can imagine. I can't believe it has been a year since you were in my arms. I hope that you are having an amazing birthday party with all of the other angels.

Beautiful

Thank you so much to Jessica at Forever Remembered Photo Collages for this beautiful collage. It is perfect and just beautiful.

Amazing

I recently found this site Midnight Orange on etsy.com. She makes beautiful sculptures, including angel sculptures. I've been looking at them for months now and just before Christmas, she added butterfly angels. Butterflies symbolize Sydney to me. When I saw it, I knew it was perfect and I had to have it. My wonderful husband ordered one for me and it arrived today. Of course, I'm still in Chicago, but I let him open it and send me pictures. It is beautiful. I can't wait to see it in person. You can't tell in these pictuers, but Eric said it is really tiny too.

It has been awhile

I haven't posted in quite awhile. I'm not sure why, other than I feel like I'm saying the same things over and over. We're still TTC and that has been disappointing. Last month, my period was 2 days later than normal. My cycles have been 28 days exactly since March. I guess I ovulated a couple of days late last cycle. I've been swamped with work and school, as usual.

We went to the cemetery and took a small Christmas tree and some other things out there. They have finally set the headstone into the ground. Eric went by there one day after work and saw that it had been done, but it still hit me hard. It is so permanent. This was the first time I'd been to the cemetery in quite a while. Again, I don't know why. I think I said it awhile ago, but I think I'm avoiding, which isn't good.

Eric and I picked a baby from the Salvation Army's angel tree online. She's 6 months old. I wanted to buy for a baby girl the same age as Sydney should've been. It was so hard to shop for this baby girl when I want to shop for my baby girl so much. I hoped it would make me feel better, but I don't know. I just miss Sydney so much. Last Christmas, I was so excited to think about having a new baby for this Christmas and celebrating her first Christmas this year. She should be here.

Share Walk and Angel of Hope

We've had a busy couple of weeks.

October 24th was the Share Walk for Remembrance and Hope. It was a beautiful day, a little chilly, but absolutely gorgeous out. Eric, the kids, and I walked, along with a friend of mine, Linda. We, of course, saw many of our new friends from Share and Heartprints there. Here are a couple of pictures.

Sydney's balloons


The four of us


Balloons floating away


Then on Sunday, Nov. 1, we went to the Angel of Hope brick dedication ceremony. The weather had been awful all week, but it finally cleared up over the weekend so it was beautiful again. The ceremony was great and then we finally saw Sydney's brick:



If you can't read it (not sure how the picture will look on here), it says:
Sydney Granger
Feb 10, 2009
Fly Little Wing

The last line is from the song "Fly" by Celine Dion. It's on my play list. I love the song. It's probably my current favorite. Here are the lyrics:

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light