Missing Sydney

New blog

2010-10-18T00:04:00.003-05:00

I've decided to move to a new blog. I will still be writing (hopefully more regularly) about life after loss, grief, and also parenting after loss. I feel like I need a new format to blog about not only Sydney, but Kelsey and other aspects of my life.

My new blog is: Butterflies and Rainbows

Our Rainbow has arrived!

2010-08-07T03:10:00.002-05:00

Kelsey Grace has arrived, safe and sound. She was born on August 1, 2010, at 12:31 am, by c-section. She weighed 3 lbs 15 ozs and was 18 inches long. She arrived at exactly 31 weeks due to pre-eclampsia. My cerclage did an amazing job, even after its removal. I never dilated past 4 cm and we think that the cerclage caused scar tissue which prevented dilation.

Kelsey is in NICU right now, but she is doing amazingly well. She was in the 90th percentile for weight and length at birth. She was intubated after birth, given two doses of surfactant, then extubated later the same day. She has been on nasal canula, but that was removed of Friday so now at 6 days old, she is breathing room air on her own!

She is beautiful and amazing. We truly feel that Sydney handpicked this miracle and sent her to us. She is all we asked for and more. I know that Sydney is smiling down on us and her new little sister.

Something for Sydney and a baby update

2010-06-11T18:22:00.003-05:00

Thank you to Laura, Cara's mommy, for this beautiful picture. I love to see Sydney's name. :)

I've been kind of ambivalent about posting about my pregnancy. It was hard for me to read other loss blogs when new pregnancies were announced. But really, this pregnancy is a continuation of my journey. This baby wouldn't be with us if not for Sydney.

I will be 24 weeks pregnant on Sunday the 13th. I had a transvaginal cerclage placed at 15 weeks, on April 13, and it appeared to be just in the nick of time. At that time, my cervix was less than 30 mm and very soft. I've been having cervical length ultrasounds every 2 weeks and my cervical length has been stable at 40-43 mm since 17 weeks. We are so grateful to be this close to viability. I hope to be able to relax a little after it passes, but I don't know if I'm capable of not constantly worrying.

At 17 weeks, we found out that we are having another baby girl! I had mixed feelings on the baby's gender up until we found out, thinking it would be easier to raise a boy than a girl after losing Sydney. But we are all so excited and I can't wait to have another little girl running around. Her name is Kelsey Grace. Kelsey is a name that I really liked and it goes with our pattern for girl names (Hailey, Sydney, Kelsey). Grace is because it is by God's grace that she is here with us.

So far, I've been relatively healthy and Kelsey is doing great. All of the ultrasounds and tests have been nothing but good news. I've been having some blood pressure issues recently and just started medication. I also had to go to L&D last week for some cramping and contractions, which turned out to be caused by a UTI. I'm still working, but after work, I'm mostly supposed to rest. I'm really glad that I haven't had to stop working yet because I'm not sure how we'd manage that financially.

Though I haven't been posting, I'm still reading blogs and thinking of and praying for all of my fellow LBMs.

Update

2010-03-27T18:15:00.002-05:00

I've been scarce lately. I haven't blogged, I haven't gone to support groups. I felt the need to separate myself from sadness. I feel badly for that. But sometimes, it is just so overwhelming to hear all the things that can and do happen to babies every day, especially while I'm trying to grow a new baby.

The pregnancy is going well. I'll be 13 weeks tomorrow. As time passes, I only get more anxious. I still haven't gotten a definite answer from my OB about a cerclage, but we will discuss it again this week. My blood pressure has been high and I'm feeling very stressed. I'm on an emotional roller coaster, as I try to reconcile my grief for Sydney with the desire for this new baby. I feel like everybody around me is just waiting for it to happen again, that nobody is genuinely happy about this baby or expected us to have a living child after this pregnancy is over. Maybe that's just paranoia. I want to be clueless, I want to be naive. But I can't and I hate that. I have no control over the outcome of this pregnancy and that is making me nuts.

Sydney's birthday

2010-02-15T21:11:00.010-06:00

We had a great day on Sydney's birthday. We planned a day to remember, honor, and celebrate her life. It was a beautiful and memorable day.

The day started at 4:30 am, the time of her birth. Eric and I got up, lit a candle, turned on our "Sydney" music, and looked at her pictures. We let the candle burn for just over two hours then blew it out. We went back to sleep for a little bit and when we woke up, there was a knock at the door. Eric answered it and it was a delivery driver from a local florist. Three wonderful friends from a message board that I post on sent us a HUGE bunch of purple balloons. I think I counted 21 balloons. When I logged into Facebook, I found that a bunch of my friends from that board had changed their profile picture to a picture of purple balloons and many of them released balloons from where they were. It meant so much to us that they were thinking of us and remembering Sydney with us on her day.

We went to the cemetery first. We took balloons, flowers, and decorations. We released some purple balloons for Sydney and left some birthday balloons at her gravesite. We brought cupcakes with us. We lit candles on them, sang Happy birthday to Sydney, and then the wind blew out the candles. It was very cold and there was 4-5 inches of snow on the ground, so we couldn't stay long.

After that, we went to the Butterfly House. None of us had ever been there before, but I knew that was where we needed to go. It was AMAZING. The butterflies just fly around in the open. Eric had several land on him. Right as we were about to leave, one landed on me. It was so peaceful (except for my children, who were scared of the butterflies).

The day was just what I needed. It was very healing for me.

Balloon bouquet

Getting ready to release balloons

Decorations

Some butterflies

(I swear, this same butterfly landed on Eric 2 or 3 times)

And, in other news:

Happy birthday, Sydney!

2010-02-10T08:41:00.002-06:00

Happy 1st birthday in Heaven, beautiful girl. I love you and miss you more than anybody can imagine. I can't believe it has been a year since you were in my arms. I hope that you are having an amazing birthday party with all of the other angels.

Beautiful

2010-01-22T18:39:00.001-06:00

Thank you so much to Jessica at Forever Remembered Photo Collages for this beautiful collage. It is perfect and just beautiful.

Amazing

2010-01-13T21:11:00.000-06:00

I recently found this site Midnight Orange on etsy.com. She makes beautiful sculptures, including angel sculptures. I've been looking at them for months now and just before Christmas, she added butterfly angels. Butterflies symbolize Sydney to me. When I saw it, I knew it was perfect and I had to have it. My wonderful husband ordered one for me and it arrived today. Of course, I'm still in Chicago, but I let him open it and send me pictures. It is beautiful. I can't wait to see it in person. You can't tell in these pictuers, but Eric said it is really tiny too.

It has been awhile

2009-12-14T00:46:00.002-06:00

I haven't posted in quite awhile. I'm not sure why, other than I feel like I'm saying the same things over and over. We're still TTC and that has been disappointing. Last month, my period was 2 days later than normal. My cycles have been 28 days exactly since March. I guess I ovulated a couple of days late last cycle. I've been swamped with work and school, as usual.

We went to the cemetery and took a small Christmas tree and some other things out there. They have finally set the headstone into the ground. Eric went by there one day after work and saw that it had been done, but it still hit me hard. It is so permanent. This was the first time I'd been to the cemetery in quite a while. Again, I don't know why. I think I said it awhile ago, but I think I'm avoiding, which isn't good.

Eric and I picked a baby from the Salvation Army's angel tree online. She's 6 months old. I wanted to buy for a baby girl the same age as Sydney should've been. It was so hard to shop for this baby girl when I want to shop for my baby girl so much. I hoped it would make me feel better, but I don't know. I just miss Sydney so much. Last Christmas, I was so excited to think about having a new baby for this Christmas and celebrating her first Christmas this year. She should be here.

Share Walk and Angel of Hope

2009-11-04T22:56:00.008-06:00

We've had a busy couple of weeks.

October 24th was the Share Walk for Remembrance and Hope. It was a beautiful day, a little chilly, but absolutely gorgeous out. Eric, the kids, and I walked, along with a friend of mine, Linda. We, of course, saw many of our new friends from Share and Heartprints there. Here are a couple of pictures.

Sydney's balloons

The four of us

Balloons floating away

Then on Sunday, Nov. 1, we went to the Angel of Hope brick dedication ceremony. The weather had been awful all week, but it finally cleared up over the weekend so it was beautiful again. The ceremony was great and then we finally saw Sydney's brick:

If you can't read it (not sure how the picture will look on here), it says:
Sydney Granger
Feb 10, 2009
Fly Little Wing

The last line is from the song "Fly" by Celine Dion. It's on my play list. I love the song. It's probably my current favorite. Here are the lyrics:

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

Sydney's Collage

2009-10-17T17:39:00.002-05:00

Thank you to Franchesca at Abiding Hope Collages for Sydney's Collage.

Here it is:

Sydney's candle

2009-10-15T21:00:00.004-05:00

Tonight I went to my Glory Babies meeting and lit candles with my friend Jen. This is the candle I made for Sydney.

Eric also lit a candle at home.

October 15th

2009-10-15T15:39:00.002-05:00

Tonight I will light candles in memory of Sydney and my other two early loss angels, as well as for the babies of all of my baby lost mama friends. I love you all and I'm thinking of your sweet angels today.

Our weekend

2009-10-08T20:36:00.002-05:00

Last weekend, I hoped for an uneventful, relaxing weekend. That was not to be. On Friday night, Hailey seemed to be breathing funny--a little too fast, a little hard. I called the pediatrician and he said to keep an eye on her. Saturday morning, we woke up a little before 7. Hailey came into my room and she was loudly wheezing and really struggling to breathe. I freaked out and we headed to the nearest ER. They got her stabilized with breathing treatments and transferred her to one of our local children's hospitals. She stayed there for two nights, on oxygen, monitors, breathing treatments, steroids. By Monday morning, she was as good as new and we finally brought her home. She's going to have further testing to see if she has asthma or if this was some weird reaction to a virus.

Do you know how nervewracking it is to have a very sick child after losing a child? It was hell, to put it simply. I was terrified. I felt so vulnerable. The worst has happened to us--who says it can't happen again? I was a complete wreck, just trying to keep it together for her. I prayed over and over, pleaded with God to let her be okay, to not take another of my babies. I've had a hard time sleeping because I'm worried she'll stop breathing in her sleep.

When I had to be induced with Sydney, after the Pitocin was hooked up, the IV pump kept malfunctioning and beeping. Saturday morning in the ER, Hailey got an IV and the pump malfunctioned and started beeping. That totally set me off and I got really panicky and upset. There were so many moments in the hospital that I just wanted to scoop up my girl and run away.

Hailey is such a sweetheart. She told EVERYBODY we encountered all about her baby sister. During one breathing treatment, the first respiratory therapist asked her if she had brothers and she put up one finger. Then she asked if she had sisters and again, she put up one finger. The therapist said, I have a sister too, aren't sisters a pain in the butt? Hailey shook her head emphatically. The therapist said, oh your sister isn't a pain? Do you want to trade? Again, Hailey shook her head. Right about then, her treatment was done. As soon as she could talk again, she said, Do you know why I can't trade my baby sister? Because she is in Heaven. She died. The therapist looked like she wanted to crawl under a rock. At first, I considered shutting her up, but then as she kept going, I figured she deserved whatever Hailey said to her. I don't expect people to know we have a dead baby, but they also need to think about it before they run their mouths. Why would you even ask a 6 year old if their sister was a pain in the butt? That's just rude even if the sister in question was alive and well, IMO.

School days

2009-09-28T00:37:00.002-05:00

When Hailey started school this year, I was dreading their first "family" assignment. The first graders do the same project every year. They get a construction paper house and you are asked to add pictures of your family. It wasn't a question to me of whether or not we should add Sydney's picture. However, Hailey was the one who had to get up in front of her class and present her house.

When the house came home with her, I asked her who we should add pictures of. She said, "Um, Mommy...and Daddy...and Christian, and me, and Tigger, Joey and Simba (The cats)...and Sydney!" So that is exactly what we did. I'm curious to know what the teacher thought. She was Christian's 1st grade teacher as well, so she knows us well. I wrote notes to both kids' teachers to explain what had happened and let them know that it might come up.

Last week, Hailey brought home another paper that she'd done in class. I don't really know what they call them. You write a sentence in the middle, then draw
pictures and add sentences in four squares around the page. This one was about family. She drew me in one square, then Eric and Christian (wearing funny brown dome hats) in another square. In the third square, she drew a baby and wrote, "I love my baby sister."

It warms my heart to know that they love her so much. But it also breaks my heart that they have to deal with this pain as well.

And poor Christian. His teacher is pregnant. That hit me like a ton of bricks when I met her at open house. She goes out on maternity leave next month. All of the kids keep talking about her baby and it upsets Christian. He mentioned it to his teacher one day. She got a note on the first day of school, just as Hailey's teacher did. She told him, "Oh, that's right, I'd forgotten." WTF, lady? Are you serious? I don't care that she forgot, but why would you SAY that to a child? Couldn't she think of something else, anything else to say to him in that moment? Even a "I'm sorry" or something. It amazes me that people can work with kids and not know anything about relating to them.

For a moment

2009-09-26T01:02:00.002-05:00

You know those moments when you are falling asleep and you're still half conscious, but also half asleep? I have had some of the strangest, most vivid "mini dreams," as Eric and I call them, in those moments. Two times recently, well in the last couple of months, I've had what I can only call a glimpse. The first time, I wasn't really sure what it was. I was dozing off on the couch one evening. As my eyes closed and I started to drift, I saw something in my mind. It was only for a moment and then it was gone. I startled awake and realized what I had just seen--it was a chubby baby upper arm. For that single moment, I saw a creamy white plump baby arm/shoulder. Her arm and shoulder. I tried with all my might to get back to sleep and see it again. I wanted to see what was connected to it. Nothing. It was gone.

The second time it happened, it startled me just as much. It was pretty much the same situation. I was completely exhausted and drifting off to sleep unexpectedly. For a moment that was all too brief, I saw her beautiful face. I saw her profile and she was sleeping. She looked so much like her brother, but also like her sister, and she had a headful of dark hair. She looked just as I imagined she might. And then the glimpse was over. I couldn't hold onto it for more than a moment once again. It hasn't happened since.

I sound crazy. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm having delusions. Maybe I'm desperate for any little thing I can hold on to.

Eric and I have been talking about our faith. We're trying to hold fast to our beliefs, we really are. It feels like God has forgotten us. I told him that I just don't have it in me to have blind faith anymore. I need some kind of proof, something that shows me that this world isn't a bunch of random events that have no purpose.

Since we've already established that I'm crazy, I guess this won't come as a shock. I think God is giving me signs. And they are coming from Facebook of all places. (I told you I'm crazy) There is an application on Facebook called "God wants you to know." You can click it once a day and it gives you some sort of little message. Mine are freaky accurate.

So this was the first one:
"Jaime got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that tonight you can turn your worries to God, and have a good night's sleep.
You've been worrying too much about the future lately. So tonight, go ahead, put your faith in God, and just have a peaceful evening and a restful sleep."

Woah, weird. Pretty accurate--I sleep like shit these days and I'm always exhausted. But I figured, that's interesting, whatever.

Then I got this one:
"Jaime got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are.
If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it."

Er...hmmm...this one made me think.

Then tonight, I got this:
"Jaime got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that you've been driving yourself too hard lately.
Sure, there is time to invest yourself fully into work, but there is equally important time for joyful resting. And for you, this time is now. What is the absolutely most wonderful little treat you can give yourself? Do it today."

That seems benign, right? Except today I had to take off work because Hailey was sick and I was feeling horribly guilty all day about it. I could probably be labeled a workaholic, to be honest.

I'm sure by now, you are raising your eyebrows and thinking, "This chick is NUTS, she thinks God is speaking to her through Facebook, I hope she can get some good medication." It is very bizarre that the very night Eric and I had that conversation, I got that first message. I'll readily admit that I'm no biblical scholar. Scripture isn't going to say much to me because I just don't get it. I can't readily recall pertinent verses. So if God wants to speak to me, Facebook is a really good place to do it. LOL

The cycle begins

2009-09-19T15:29:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow is my birthday and I've been dreading it. I'm not in the mood to celebrate, but that really has nothing to do with it. Last year, I had my last period before conceiving Sydney during the week of my birthday. So that has been the reminder and the point where I'll start hitting one year anniversaries of all the things that happened, culminating in her birthday. Sydney was conceived around October 4th. I found out I was pregnant on October 26, saw her for the first time on ultrasound on October 31...and on and on. It brings back so many bittersweet memories. I had no idea how happy I was then.

I'm trying hard to get myself together. I have been a complete mess for the last few weeks. I miss Sydney so much. I don't know how I am going to live without her for the rest of my life. I've been having major anxiety lately. Fortunately, it hasn't manifested in panic attacks again, but it comes in the form of total paranoia. I get these thoughts and visions in my head, always horrible things, of the kids getting hurt or Eric getting hurt and other horrific things. I'm seeing a new primary doctor in a couple of weeks and I'm going to ask about changing my medication. I was taking Effexor, which worked very well for me, but the high risk OB said he doesn't like it during pregnancy and I should switch to Wellbutrin or Zoloft. I've taken Zoloft before and after a while, it just stopped working. So I decided to try Wellbutrin. Effexor and Zoloft also control anxiety, but Wellbutrin does not. So I think I need to switch to Zoloft. I can't handle these awful thoughts and fears. I've had this problem to an extent in the past, but it is constant and uncontrollable right now.

I already got my birthday present from Eric and the kids. I didn't hint this time, I just told him, get me this. It is a Willow Tree figure called Angel of Mine. The description on it says, "So loved. So very loved." It is beautiful and I love it. This is it:

In the sky

2009-09-15T21:44:00.003-05:00

If there is one bright spot in this babylost world, it is the members of this community. I've had Sydney's memory honored in so many ways, from her name written in the sand on Christian's beach, to Lea's Angel Wings, and Bree's butterflies. The newest is Ashley's Babies in the Sky gallery. Ashley was kind enough to write Sydney's name for me and post it on her blog. Beautiful!

My psychic experience

2009-09-11T22:19:00.002-05:00

I've been meaning to write about this for a while and got sidetracked. Ever since Sydney died, I've felt a strong urge to see a psychic. I put it out my mind for a while, but about a month ago, it started nagging me again. I searched online and came back to someone who stuck out to me when I first thought about it.

It was a very interesting experience. As we started, she only knew my name. Right away, she told me very true and accurate things. She told me that I'd had a recent loss of a significant female, then she told me that she saw a little girl around me. We discussed my children and Sydney came up. We talked about her and she told me that Sydney has dark curly hair and she's with an older female who crossed over already. Ever since Sydney died, I've believed that she is with my grandma. I know that my grandma would adore her and take care of her until I get there.

Those things alone probably wouldn't convince me of anything. But combined with all of the other things she said about my personality, my current personal and professional situations, and my kids, I believe it. I got a tape recording of the session and played it for Eric. He was a total skeptic, but once he heard it, he was really amazed too.

Things have been pretty calm for the last week or two. Once again, we failed to conceive this month. It's very frustrating. I'm still trying to decide if we're going to try this month. If I were to get pregnant, I would be due about a week or so before I was due with Sydney this year. I don't know if I can emotionally handle going through those same stages close to the same time that I did with her. But I also want to be pregnant again so badly, the sooner the better.

It seems like every time I turn around, I'm hearing a story about another baby or child dying. I'm so sick of it. Every time I hear about another mother losing her child, I feel like I lose my faith a little more. This world makes no sense to me anymore.

Honest scrap

2009-08-27T22:24:00.004-05:00

Today I was given the Honest Scrap award by Isla's Mommy. Thank you, Melissa!

In order to accept this award, I have to name seven bloggers who write from the heart and then I have to list ten interesting things about myself.

My nominees must post this on their blog and leave comments for their 7 nominees.

My nominees are:

Kayla at Lewis Twins

Mary at Nobody Knows It But Me How I'm Missing Lukas

Bree at My Baby Butterfly Ella

Mia at Our Anencephaly Journey

Dawn at Inanna Journey

Emily at Mumblings from Troy Ohio

Lea at Nicholas' Touch

Ok, now 10 interesting things about me:

1) The first night that I met my husband, I knew I was going to marry him. It wasn't really love at first sight, but a connection and I knew it. He really annoyed me at first though, so I kind of hoped I was wrong and he'd go away. He grew on me.

2) I spent my entire high school career planning for college, grad school, etc. I went away to school, had too much fun, and left after one year. I attempted another year, still screwed up, and then got married. I finally went back to college when I was 27.

3) During my senior year of high school, I won first place in regionals and second place in state for a science project and presentation competition. I still have no idea how I did it because I am terrified of public speaking.

4) It soothes me to look up statistics on whatever issues are going on in my life. I can rattle off stats on weight loss surgery, incompetent cervix, preemie survival rates, PCOS, and more.

5) I graduated summa cum laude with my associate's degree in May of this year.

6) I am named after Jamie Lee Curtis. My dad had a crush on her. My mom chose to spell my name Jaime because she thought it was more feminine. My own grandmother can't spell my name after almost 31 years.

7) My most passionate topic is breastfeeding. I didn't breastfeed Christian. I tried and failed. I then read about the benefits of breastfeeding and became very outspoken. When Hailey was born, it took 6 weeks of pumping around the clock and trying to teach her to breastfeed before she caught on. She nursed until she was 3 1/2, then she self weaned.

8) I remember numbers freakishly well. I can remember any phone number that I have dialed. At work, I could often remember customer's social security numbers. If someone tells me to remember something that involves a number, I can do it. My memory sucks for anything else.

9) I hate the month of February. Crappy things always happen to us in February. Hailey was born in February, which was great, but she was 7 weeks early, I was very sick from pre-eclampsia, and it was a very stressful time for us. Valentine's day is always a disaster. Eric had a very bad car accident in February 2001. Sydney was born and died in February. We've lost two babies that were due in February. I do not like February at all.

10) I had weight loss surgery (Lap Band) on February 28, 2008, which is one good thing that has happened in February. In the first seven months after surgery, I lost 100 pounds, then got pregnant. Since having Sydney, I lost the weight I gained while pregnant, then gained 15 pounds back, and have since only lost 5 of those 15 pounds. I'm trying really hard to get back into weight loss mode because I would like to lose another 50-75 pounds.

Nevaeh Grace

2009-08-25T22:40:00.002-05:00

Mia delivered her precious baby girl Nevaeh today. She had anencephaly. Nevaeh lived for one hour. Please pray for this family as they grieve for their sweet angel. It breaks my heart to know that another mother is missing her baby tonight. :*(

Thank you, Bree!

2009-08-16T14:27:00.004-05:00

It amazes me that even in the midst of their own pain, amazing women reach out to comfort the rest of us. This butterfly was made by Bree, Ella's mommy, and someone with a story so like my own. Thank you so much, Bree. This means so much to me.

Sydney's angel wings came in the mail from Lea. They are even more beautiful in person. Thank you again, Lea!

We finally decided on the inscription for Sydney's brick at the Angel of Hope. The fall dedication will be some time in October or November. I'm keeping the inscription to myself for now, but it is kind of funny how we came up with it. I told Eric, we have to do this. The order is due September 20 (my birthday) and I've been thinking about it here and there, but 3 lines of 15 characters each is hard. Yesterday I mentioned it to him. I started typing out some things, trying to get it down to 15 characters a line. He made a suggestion that was quite similar to what I was thinking. I said, well I was thinking of something like that and a certain song gave me the idea. He said, that song gave me my idea too. Weird, huh?

I feel Sydney around me a lot lately. It's a very strong feeling. Yesterday, we were outside and a beautiful butterfly was flying all around. It kept flying all around our front step, where we were standing. I see butterflies all the time now. I don't remember ever seeing them as often as I do now. They make me smile every time I see them.

Six months

2009-08-09T20:31:00.003-05:00

It has been six months since my entire world was turned upside down and I was left brokenhearted, with empty arms and a grief that no mother should ever have to bear. Some times it is hard to believe that six months have already passed, but other times, I can't believe it has only been six months.

My beautiful girl came to me in my dreams again. This time, she was born early and was the same size and everything. The doctor tried this weird treatment of submerging her in a tube of fluid to develop her lungs, but it didn't work. I took her out of the tube and everything about her was just as I remember. The shape of her little head, with the dark coloring where hair was ready to grow in. The long fingers, arms, and legs. And that sweet face. I cleaned her up and dressed her in a tiny soft sleeper and held her. While I held her, she opened her eyes. I longed to see her eyes, but they were still fused shut when she was born. I finally saw her eyes. They were a very deep blue. She moved all around in my arms, looked at me, and at one point lifted her tiny head up off of my chest. Then I just woke up. I hate to wake up from those dreams. I long for the next.

Waves

2009-08-05T22:40:00.003-05:00

I'm at this point where my grief seems to come in waves. When it hits, the waves are huge and I feel like it will knock me over. It seems like I can keep myself occupied enough to not feel the full brunt of my grief all the time, but then it just hits me, out of nowhere and I'm a mess.

We are quickly coming up on the six month mark. I really can't believe it has been almost 6 months. I feel like I'm losing some of the details of her birth and our time together. Sometimes when I think back, I feel like I'm outside of myself, watching what is happening. I miss my baby girl so much. My arms still ache to hold her. I wish I knew what she would've looked like today. She was a pretty good mix of Christian and Hailey, but it's hard for me to imagine.

I'm kind of mad at myself right now because I agreed to go out of town for work on Monday and Tuesday, the 10th and 11th. Every month on the 10th, I've gone to the cemetery. I didn't even realize until after I said I would go that it was on the 10th. I guess I'll go to the cemetery the day before. They still haven't installed her stone. I'm not sure when that will be done. I may call them to find out.

I have decided that I'm over this whole "don't talk about Sydney" thing that some people we know have decided is the way to handle this. If they can't acknowledge her, then I don't want them in my life. This isn't some phase or something I'll ever get over. I'm carrying on with my life because I have to, but that doesn't mean I'll ever go back to who I was before. If people don't like it, we can all agree to go our separate ways, whether I'm related to them or not. Eric posted a Facebook status to that effect and a member of his family actually commented back and said, "What do you want people to say exactly?" Are people really so clueless? Would she ask that to someone who lost their spouse, parent, grandparent, or anybody older? Would it be so hard to ask how we are doing, if there is anything they can do for us (like taking the kids for a couple of days to give us a break). I wouldn't dare dream of them asking to see her pictures, going to the cemetery, or talking openly about her.

In my dreams

2009-07-26T12:01:00.003-05:00

A few nights ago, something I've been waiting for finally happened. Sydney visited me in my dreams. It wasn't like I thought it might be, but she was there, alive and whole.

In the dream, I was pregnant. At first, I didn't realize that I was pregnant with Sydney. My dream self remembered all that had happened, it seemed. I thought, I'm pregnant, I'm going to have a baby soon, I'm 39 weeks pregnant, how have I managed to stay pregnant when I was 4 cm dilated at 20 weeks? It was then that I realized the baby was Sydney. I went out to go shopping to prepare for her arrival. In the car, I realized I hadn't felt her move. I started talking to her, moving my belly, trying to get her to respond. I thought, please don't let her be stillborn after all of this. Then she moved. She kicked and squirmed and my whole huge pregnant belly shook. It was so real, so vivid. I talked to her for so long, telling her how happy I was that she was there and how much I love her. When I woke up, I was so sad. I wanted to go back and live in that dream. I wanted to dream of going into labor and having her, to see her beautiful little face. I hope she comes to me again, in a way that I can see her and hold her.

I am not in a good place right now. Sadness and anger have taken over and I feel justified in both so I don't fight it. I am so angry with everybody around me. I feel abandoned and forgotten. Work is really hard because I am surrounded by other people now and have to try to keep it together. It is times like these that I miss working by myself. If I needed to break down, I could. A few days ago, we were all eating lunch and the TV was on. It was on Ellen and it was a repeat of her Mother's Day baby shower show. I ate as quickly as I could and went back to my desk. I was trying really hard to not cry and hold myself together. My boss came by and talked to me and then realized something was wrong. She kept asking me, what's wrong and I kept saying nothing, I'm just busy. She went to her office then called me in a few minutes later. I finally told her what was bothering me and started crying. At least she was sensitive to it and let me talk about it.

Nobody calls to check on me. Even when I do talk to friends or family members, they don't ask how I'm doing. They completely ignore the topic of Sydney. My grandmother (the dog funeral grandmother) calls every few weeks. She will ask me to send pictures. I haven't sent any since Christmas. She has never asked to see pictures of Sydney, so IMO she shouldn't get to see my other two kids or my nephew. I don't bring up Sydney with unwilling parties because they get obviously uncomfortable and that upsets me. I don't want her to be a bad memory. I want her to be what she is--my baby, a member of our family, a part of our lives. Apparently, according to some people, I'm not supposed to expect that out of others. Well I won't. If Sydney isn't acknowledged, they shouldn't expect us to want to be around them. I need my baby to be acknowledged and treated as a member of the family just as the other kids are. Why are the feelings of others more important than MY feelings? I'm tired of everybody thinking more about themselves than us. We are the ones who have lost our child. We are the ones who live with this pain while they pretend she never existed.

I wish I could crawl into bed and stay there. I need a break from life.

Angel Wings

2009-07-22T18:18:00.002-05:00

Lea over at Nicholas' Touch has an angel wing memorial on her blog. She added angel wings for Sydney today.

Thank you so much, Lea! They are beautiful.

What was I thinking?

2009-07-19T20:30:00.002-05:00

Today, my first baby turned 8 years old. This day brought about some unexpected emotions.

One of my birthday traditions is to watch the video of the kids' births. I realized yesterday that there was no way I could do that today. So I didn't. Then while we were out, Christian said, Mommy, we forgot to do something today, we didn't watch the video of me being born. :-\ I told him, next year, I promise. I felt so bad. I didn't realize how much that meant to him.

We spent part of the day at a local zoo/farm type of place called Grant's Farm. The place was packed and I swear, every family there had a baby. Every family except us of course. And I think probably 90% of those babies were girls. And then there were the little girls toddling around. As if that wasn't bad enough, on the tram ride (and you have to take the tram to get into the main part of the park) we were put in the first row, which is directly behind the area where they transport strollers. Right in front of me sat a pink stroller. At least it wasn't the stroller we bought for Sydney, but still.

We stopped on the way home to pick up a pizza and there was a little girl, probably right about a year old or so, with dark brown curly hair toddling out after her dad. It ripped out my heart to see that girl and know that I'd never see my own little girl toddling out of the pizza place behind her daddy.

The fucking universe hates me.

Walking with you--Naming our babies

2009-07-18T13:54:00.002-05:00

Eric and I have very different tastes in names for our kids. Each time we try to agree on something, but I end up picking a name and he agrees to it. LOL We've picked several different names for each child, but we settle on it right before we find out the gender. Our firstborn is Christian Eric. We both love the name Christian and Eric is actually Eric's middle name (his first name is Jeremiah) and his dad's middle name. Our girl name then was Kaitlyn. When I got pregnant with Hailey, we first thought about using Kaitlyn for a girl, but changed our minds. I wanted the middle name to be Ann, which is my mom's middle name, and I didn't think Kaitlyn Ann flowed well with our last name. We had a list of about six girls names and we picked Hailey. Sydney had also been on that list.

When I got pregnant with Sydney, we discussed names a few times, but nothing was really sticking out as THE name to me. A week or so before our 20 week ultrasound, we finally picked names. Our boy name was Jackson. I really thought we were having a boy, which was the first time my intuition was wrong. We picked Sydney as our girl name, with two middle name choices--June, which is Eric's grandmother's middle name, and Sydney was due in June, and Alexis. I only wanted to use June if Sydney was actually born in June. I wasn't crazy about that, but the other two kids have middle names after family members. While we were in the hospital, we agreed that her name would be Sydney Alexis. I love her name. I love to say it, to see it written, or on things. There was never a moment for me when I thought about changing her name--she was always and will always be our Sydney.

Reality

2009-07-11T12:27:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if I'm stuck in some kind of alternate reality. That in my real life Sydney is still alive and the real me is happy. But I'm stuck in this sad, painful Sydney-less world. It is so unreal to me that a tiny precious life can slip away and it seems like so few people remember or care, so unreal that it can't be true.

I've been in a really strange place the last couple of weeks, since Sydney's due date. I was pretty much ignoring that this is my reality. I feel terribly guilty for that. I don't want this to be my life. I want to be a normal, happy mom. I want all of my children here with me. I don't want to grieve anymore. I don't want to have to imagine what my baby girl would look like--I want to know. I hate this life, I hate this grief. I want my old life back, I want my baby back.

The last couple of weeks, I thought about Sydney a lot, but I let other things occupy my thoughts as well. I didn't cry. I went to a concert that I was really looking forward to and I had fun. I did have a couple of times where I thought, I should be home with my baby right now, not at a concert. But last night, I broke. Yesterday was Sydney's 5 month birthday. Five months since she came into my life and left it. We went to the cemetery and put out some new things. Then we went to Walmart to buy school supplies. On the way home, I was thinking about how Sydney should have been tucked into her little safari print carseat, dressed in a little pink dress, with a headful of soft dark hair, sucking on her binky while she fell asleep on the way home. It was such a vivid image in my head. I wanted that so badly. I didn't even realize until she was gone just how much I wanted that.

A new month

2009-07-05T15:13:00.003-05:00

June is over, finally. It was a bittersweet end to the month. I was so glad to end the month, but then I realized, the month was supposed to end with a new baby in my arms but it didn't.

Sydney's due date went ok. After the kids got home from school that day, we reach wrote Sydney a note, attached the notes to pink balloons and then went to the cemetery to release them. We planned to spend some time there, but once the balloons were floating away, it looked like they were going to crash land. I think the notes might have been too heavy. I kind of freaked out, herded everybody to the car, and rushed down the road to see if they had landed somewhere we could get them. As we got down the road, I looked up and saw 3 of the 4 balloons floating away, together. I don't know what happened to the 4th. I hope it finally caught the wind and flew away. I don't know why, but I had a feeling that the 4th balloon was mine. That would figure, because it seems like I'm always alone now, but Eric, Christian, and Hailey have each other. :-\

The week since Sydney's due date has been really weird, emotionally. I feel shut off from all emotions--sadness, joy, everything. I feel numb. Maybe it is the aftermath of the heightened emotions of her due date. I feel like I'm ignoring my feelings. Maybe so.

I think I've gotten pretending everything is ok down to an art. I do it all day at work, otherwise it makes people uncomfortable. I have a picture of Sydney on my desk. My new coworker asked if it was one of my kids and I said, yes and before I could say anything else, she started talking about how that picture must remind me of the miracle it is that she's alive because she was so tiny. I ended up crying and told her that Sydney had passed away at birth. Then she felt crappy because I was crying and all I could really do was say, it's okay, everything makes me cry. Then I wandered away so I could cry alone for a few minutes. I can't remember if I mentioned it (because I can't remember anything anymore), but I recently got a promotion to the main office of my company so I've gone from working with one other person 1-2 times a week to working with 10 or so everyday, all day. I also try to act okay with most of my family, most of the time, and with my in laws pretty much all the time now. I don't think anybody really knows how I feel anymore, not even Eric. We've hit a really rough patch, he doesn't understand me and I don't understand him. As usual everything falls on my shoulders and I just can't manage it right now. I feel like I'm not worth the effort it would take for Eric, or anybody, to even attempt to show some sympathy and stop pressuring me about everything. When you tell someone repeatedly that you need them to do something and they don't even try to do it, it really seems like they're saying, You aren't worth the effort it would take to make you feel better.

Due date

2009-06-26T13:45:00.003-05:00

Today is the day Sydney was due. I've never actually made it to my due date and I probably would've delivered well before now if this hadn't happened. But I know by this time I would've had a baby in my arms. For five months, my life was centered around this date, planning and getting ready, anticipating her arrival. So instead of cuddling my baby girl who should've only been a couple of weeks old, my arms are empty.

In 9 days, I will have lived longer without Sydney than I did with her. It is almost unbelievable to me that 20 weeks ago, we were so happy. We had just found out we were having a baby girl at our 19 week ultrasound. We were already buying little pink dresses and sleepers. We picked out her name and we were calling her that. I couldn't wait until June to see her and hold her. It is hard to believe that only 6 days after that wonderful ultrasound, our world crashed around us and our precious girl was gone.

I'm trying really hard to change my outlook. I am going to try to spend the rest of the day focusing on the good memories--seeing her on ultrasound for the first time, hearing her heartbeat, feeling those first flutters and then the kicks and squirms. I'm going to try not to relive the days leading up to her birth or the events of that morning. I'm going to try to think about the two precious hours that we had with her, how blessed I am to have had that time, and how proud I am of her for fighting so hard to hang on. I want to think about how her fiesty personality shined through even in that short time, how completely perfect and beautiful she was, and how it felt to hold her tiny body in my arms.

Today I want to celebrate her life, not mourn for her death. Her life was so much more than the two hours she had here and she deserves to have that remembered.

A Reminder

2009-06-21T01:41:00.000-05:00

I had a rough day on Friday and on my way home from work, I decided to go by the cemetery. I was there for a little bit and noticed that the flowers on another baby's grave had fallen out of the vase so I walked over and put them back. When I walked back over to Sydney's grave, I noticed a little butterfly fluttering around. It hung around pretty much the rest of the time I was there and then it went behind her headstone and flowers and I didn't see it again. It was really pretty. Its wings were purple on top and white on the bottom. I've never seen one like that before. I felt like it was a reminder to me that she is always with me and she's sending little things to try to make me feel better.

Another blow

2009-06-18T23:52:00.002-05:00

Never say that things can't get any worse. I should know that by now. It can always get worse.

We decided to start trying to get pregnant again last month. Amazingly enough, last Wednesday (also Sydney's 4 month birthday), I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I took another on Friday and the line was much darker. I had typical signs of pregnancy. I was anxious and trying not to get too excited. Then Tuesday night, I started to bleed. I hoped it was nothing and would go away, but by Wednesday morning the bleeding was quite heavy and I knew that it was over.

This just compounds my sadness. I really don't like February or June anymore. Our very first pregnancy, before Christian, was an early loss in June and the baby was due in February. Just like this baby. And of course, Sydney was due in June and died in February. I now have more confirmed losses than I have living children (there was also one other suspected loss between Christian and Hailey, but it wasn't confirmed). I feel like such a failure. Maybe I'm not meant to have another baby. :(

Wordless Wednesday

2009-06-17T18:25:00.003-05:00

My necklace from My Forever Child:

Four months tomorrow

2009-06-09T05:05:00.003-05:00

It is so unreal to me that tomorrow will be four months since my precious girl lived. I wish I could stay in those two hours forever. I remember holding Sydney and watching the clock, wishing time would stop and let me keep her alive. As time passes, I feel that much more distance between us, as if she stayed on February 10, 2009, and I have skipped ahead. Of course, using that analogy, I'm in June 2009 and everybody around me has moved on to 2012. I feel like I've been left behind to deal with my grief alone while everybody else has moved on.

Yesterday, we received a wonderful gift. The mamas on one of my message boards got together and had a star named after Sydney through the International Star Registry. It touched me so deeply that they would do that for us. I want to figure out how to find her star, so hopefully I can figure out what the coordinates mean and how to find them.

The resounding theme of this past month has been anger. I am so angry with almost everybody in my life for one reason or another. I am angry that people can't deal with my grief and make me feel like I am wrong for it. I am angry that they treat me like a child having a tantrum instead of treating me like a mother who has lost her child. I am angry that it seems like I am the only person in the world who really feels the depth of this loss. I am angry that I have lost my beautiful baby while so many others can have healthy babies despite mistreating their bodies throughout pregnancy or that they have precious babies just to abuse them. It is so incredibly unfair and I can't begin to understand it. I am so incredibly angry that my daughter is gone. I'm angry that I am supposed to be preparing for our new arrival this month, buying diapers and clothes and all things baby, but instead I buy things to put on her grave. I am angry that I feel forgotten, that virtually all of my (non-Internet) friends have not even acknowledged Sydney's birth or death, that 95% of the people in my life act like she never existed. I'm angry with my husband for spending the last four months putting on a facade of normality, which has only managed to make me feel even worse about being so broken by this. I am angry because other people get angry because I am angry with them.

I want to scream, I want to break things, I want some outlet for these feelings. Right now, though, I am so depressed that I just don't feel like fighting anymore. People can think what they want about me. I'm tired of doing things just to make other people happy. I've had it with being coerced into doing things I really don't want to do or being around people who just...suck. Why should I consider the feelings of people who crap on my feelings every chance they get? Why should I care if it is your birthday, graduation, wedding, party, celebration, etc., when you can't even pick up the phone and ask how I am doing or send a card or acknowledge that Sydney existed and that I am hurting in some tiny way? Why should I waste my limited time off work or spend money to come visit you or even pretend I give a crap about you when you don't seem to give a crap about me? I'm not doing it anymore. And if you're reading this and wonder if I'm talking to you, I most likely am. I'm tired of playing nice. I'm tired of everybody waiting for me to snap out of it or get over it. You can either accept my new reality or you can get lost.

Thanks a lot, Hallmark

2009-06-02T15:31:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I stopped in at my local Hallmark store to buy a greeting card. I needed a thank you card and those are located right next to the sympathy cards. *sigh* I actually started looking at a few of them. After Sydney was born, we received some very beautiful cards and I have to admit, I'm a card junkie. I love to receive greeting cards. I save them all. Somewhere I have birthday cards from when I was a kid. I've saved every single card my kids have received.

So as I'm looking at the sympathy cards, I picked up a beautiful one and noticed it was for the loss of a pet. I looked at the categories then and noticed that there were actually two cards for loss of a baby, then one for loss of a daughter, one for loss of a son, and one for loss of a child. However, I also noticed that there were about 10 different cards for loss of a pet. There are more cards to choose from to send to someone whose dog or cat died, but only FIVE cards to send to a person who has lost a child. What the fuck?

Is it worse, in the world of Hallmark, to lose a pet? Or is it merely more socially acceptable to express your condolences when someone loses a pet than when they lose a child? In my not-quite-four-month-old journey as a babylost mama, I've found that it seems this is the one thing people do not want to talk about. Maybe people think it is contagious. Or it's just too sad. Or they don't view the baby as a person worthy of their emotion. I think there are several family members of mine (*cough* Eric's family *cough*) who feel the latter is true. I've dealt with death before. My father, my beloved maternal grandmother, my paternal grandfather. I dread the day I lose my other grandfather or my mother. I can't imagine life without my husband. But my child--whether it was my baby girl who was only in my womb for 20 weeks or my 6 or 7 year olds--there is nothing more devastating to me. I can't imagine there is anything more devastating to any parent.

Maybe I'm bitter about pet loss. My living grandmother had a funeral for her dog a few years ago. Looking back, I'm pretty sure that dog was buried in the same kind of casket that Sydney had. We went to the dog funeral to support my grandmother, who was a mess over losing her dog very suddenly. There was a short ceremony and a burial in the pet cemetery at the groomer they used. The dog now has a full headstone that has his picture on it. When I called my grandmother to give her the details on Sydney's service, a private graveside service and not at a funeral home, she said, "Since you aren't having a real funeral, I guess I won't come in." She lives in Florida now (she lived here in Missouri when her dog died). She said that the airfare would be too expensive, she would be too sad because Sydney's funeral was on the same day as my grandfather's funeral 3 years ago, etc., etc. When I told my sister, she was livid. She said, "Didn't you go to her DOG'S funeral?!" Oh yeah, that's right, I did. I'd forgotten. Yes, travel would be involved, but my grandmother is not destitute. In fact, she's pretty well off. She could've come. But I'm not going to beg someone to do something they obviously didn't want to do in the first place. And she never even sent a card. Maybe when one of my cats dies, she'll send one.

June

2009-05-31T19:48:00.003-05:00

June starts tomorrow. I wish I could go to sleep tonight and wake up in July. Sydney was due June 26. I should be sittng here big and uncomfortable and 36 weeks pregnant. Instead I am 16 weeks into this never ending nightmare.

We had so many expectations for June. We'd really hoped to have baby in June. Christian was due in August and born in July; Hailey was due in March and born in February. I was really hoping I didn't end up with an April or May baby. I never imagined she would come in February. To me, worst case scenario was 24 weeks, a long NICU stay, and bringing home a small maybe sick baby. Never did I imagine she wouldn't make it. Never did I imagine this.

I was supposed to meet my beautiful girl in June. I was supposed to see her little face, hold her, and put her to my breast for the first time. But instead I will grieve her for the fourth month. I will miss her with every fiber of my being and I have to continue trying to figure out how to go on without her here with me.

It's there

2009-05-22T22:16:00.004-05:00

Sydney's headstone is at the grave. It hasn't been installed into the ground, but it is in place, waiting. It is beautiful and perfect. It was so incredibly difficult to see her name on that stone. It seems to have pushed me to the brink of another breakdown.

I seem to go through phases with my grief. Some days, I'm ok. Well, as ok as I can be, functional, not crying constantly. Then something sets me off and it's downhill until I have a breakdown, have a bunch of bad days, then I work my way back to ok. I feel it there, so close, and I'm scared. What if this time it starts and doesn't stop? As much as I wish the world could stop, it can't. I have other kids to care for, a job, bills to pay, all of these responsibilities that I can't avoid.

Here are some pictures from today. A nice woman who was visiting her husband's grave offered to take a picture of the four of us. It's as close to a family picture as we can get. :(

100 days

2009-05-21T16:45:00.002-05:00

As of today, it has been 100 days since Sydney became an angel. These have been the longest 100 days of my life. I really don't even have anything to say that I haven't said a million times already. :(

The monument company called on Tuesday. They delivered Sydney's marker on Monday and the cemetery will have it installed by the weekend. We're planning to go there tomorrow evening when I get off work to look at it and take pictures. I have new flowers and decorations to take out too. I need to go pick up some flowers I saw that I liked. I've been buying artificial flowers because I can't get out there more than once a week, sometimes not even that often depending on the weather, and I hate thinking about dead flowers sitting there until I get back with new ones. I have an issue with dead flowers. I didn't want flowers sent to her service, I hated looking at the flowers that were sent to our house. They were pretty for a few days, then they died. It was really depressing for me.

Speaking of depressing. My mother in law and sister in law are involved in an animal rescue. They have a bunch of cats and kittens (one of whom we just adopted). A couple of weeks ago, a sick mama cat gave birth to her litter and all of the kittens got sick. We went to my in-law's on Sunday evening and they were trying to keep three of the kittens alive. Two had already died the night before. I ended up holding two tiny kittens who were barely hanging on, praying that they didn't die in my arms. They ended up dying the next day. I feel so sad for that mama cat. Do animals mourn like we do? Not too long ago, Inanna posted a link to this video, which showed a mama gorilla whose baby died. She carried his little body around for a week and openly grieved for her baby. I wish that no mother, human or animal, ever had to lose their child and deal with this grief. :(

Numb

2009-05-11T09:22:00.003-05:00

It has been three months since Sydney was here, alive, and then left. I feel so numb right now. I just don't feel anything. What is wrong with me? Maybe I've been so debilitatingly sad for so long that my emotions are broken or something.

Yesterday was a hard day, without her here, still growing within me. It was hard to get cards the kids made, knowing there will never be cards from her. It was hard to get their sweet little presents made at school, knowing she'll never go to school and bring home presents for me. It was really hard to hold the kids and hear them say, I love you, Mommy, knowing I'll never hear her say I love you.

On Sunday morning, Sydney's 3 month birthday, I woke up at 4:30 a.m. exactly. Every month so far, on the 10th, I've been awake at 4:30 for some reason. I felt her with me again, but it's not enough. I want her here, in a body, so I can hold her, kiss her, see her. We were only supposed to be meeting her in the next 6 weeks or so, not grieving her already being gone for 3 months. It isn't fair, it isn't right. But I can't even get angry about it right now. I feel so helpless and empty without her.

My tattoo

2009-05-09T21:05:00.002-05:00

For my little butterfly, who emerged from her cocoon and flew away.

I love you, Sydney. I can't believe it has been 3 months since you lived.

Dream

2009-05-09T12:21:00.003-05:00

I had an awful dream the other night. I was giving birth to a baby. I was delivering at 23 weeks and 4 days. My doctor handed me the baby, a boy (fully dressed in tiny jeans and a sweater for some reason) and said, I'm sorry, you were so close, maybe next time. I started to scream at him, it's only 3 days until 24 weeks, how much difference can 3 days make? But they wouldn't do anything except allow the baby to die in my arms again. I begged, pleaded, cried, yelled. Then I jumped from my hospital bed and ran to the NICU with the baby in my arms to have him saved. I don't know what happened because I woke up then. I've been haunted by it ever since. It wasn't just a nightmare for me, it was my real life 3 months ago. Except the baby I delivered too early was a girl and she was at least 3 weeks from viability instead of 3 days. :( I can't imagine ever going through this again. I want a baby, but I am terrified of getting pregnant again.

I wish I could have a dream of Sydney. I wish I could see her and hold her in my arms, even if only in my dreams.

Long week

2009-05-08T11:28:00.003-05:00

This has been a long week full of ups and downs. I was out of town for work and kept quite busy, which was a welcome change. Distraction helps. Still, when I was alone in my hotel room each night, the sadness overcame me and I couldn't stop thinking about Sydney. Eric and I also had a huge fight with some members of his family, which was since resolved fortunately.

Last Sunday night, after arguing with my mother in law, I had a complete break down. I sobbed, I yelled, I threw things, I broke things. I was so completely sad and angry and frustrated. After my temper tantrum, I laid on the couch and cried some more while Eric cleaned up my mess. In my blind rage, I threw a cat statue that one of the kids gave me for Christmas and it broke. I felt so guilty for that. Luckily, Hailey fell asleep before my tantrum, but Christian heard it all. He was very concerned. As I laid on the couch crying, he came and put his arms around me. The way he was standing, at first, I thought it was Eric. Then I opened my eyes and realized it was him. My sweet little 7 year old boy was comforting me. He just held onto me for the longest time and gave me kisses. I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for Christian and Hailey.

I'm going in tomorrow evening for my tattoo in Sydney's memory. I have a few ideas so I went in to talk to the tattoo artist and he is going to draw up some designs for me. I know that I want her footprints and I would like something with a butterfly. It will also have her name and birthdate. I think I am going to have it put on my left calf. I already have a tattoo on my right ankle. Eventually I am also going to get something for Christian and Hailey, which I've wanted to do for a long time, but I could never decide on anything. With Sydney, it was easy. I knew I wanted her footprints. It hasn't been easy to decide on a design and I've spent hours looking at other memorial tattoos online. I may end up getting a footprint of each Christian and Hailey, since theirs were much bigger, with names and birthdates also.

It seems like there was more I wanted to say, but my mind has completely blanked now. That's so typical lately.

Time

2009-04-30T13:15:00.002-05:00

Time just keeps moving and taking me along with it. I'm coming closer to June and I don't want it to come. June was the month I dreamed about for 4 months, picturing my sweet baby girl and guessing what day she would actually be born. Yet, here I sit, without my angel and she has already been gone almost 3 months.

The 10th of the month is Sydney's day. In May, the 10th is also Eric's birthday and Mother's day. What a cruel joke. How can I celebrate Mother's day when only two of my three children are with me? How can I feel worthy of celebration when I am consumed by thoughts of how I let Sydney down? It has been such a hard month this month. I just want it to get easier. I want to sleep through the night and not cry at random or cry myself to sleep anymore. Yet at the same time, I don't want it to go away. I don't want to stop feeling this pain and missing her so much. Everything I do is colored with my grief. I have my college graduation coming up and I'm dreading that because I was supposed to be hugely pregnant at graduation. I feel like I will never stop thinking about what I should've had, where I should be, how old she would be.

I deleted all the songs off my iPod this week and replaced them with songs about death, Heaven, and loss. It fits my mood. I need my music to fit my mood. Right now I am stuck in this dark desolate place, alone with my grief and pain. I don't know how to get out and I don't know how to let anybody in. People keep asking, what can I do to help? I have no idea. I wish someone could think of something that would help me. I don't think there is anything that can be done to help though.

I saw my OB again this week. He did a repeat for the culture that was messed up. I also asked him to go back over the bloodwork results. I have several issues it seems. I am heterozygous for MTHFR C677T mutation, have a positive ANA with a titer of 1:160, have elevated Protein C activity, and a low thrombin time on my lupus anticoagulant. I have no idea what the last 3 mean. I know a little about MTHFR. The doctor was very encouraging about another pregnancy when I saw him before, but now he thinks it wouldn't be a good idea. *sigh* When I say he was encouraging, I mean he told me to have one period and then start trying to get pregnant. WTF? Why the big change? He drives me nuts. I'm seeing the maternal fetal medicine specialist for a consult on May 20. It was supposed to be May 6, but I'm going away for work now so I rescheduled.

I wish I could wake up and find out that the last 11 weeks have all been a nightmare and it is still February and Sydney is still safe inside of me. Though apparently she wasn't all that safe. :(

Under The Tree April

2009-04-24T17:21:00.002-05:00

April's Under the Tree questions from Carly at Love Reign Over Me:

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

Sydney was born and died 10 weeks and 3 days ago. I don't think my grief has changed much since it has been so long. It is still very raw and new, like a fresh wound that is so easily broken open. It seems like it has only gotten worse in the first weeks because time keeps moving on and I don't want it to. I feel like every day that passes is another day further from her.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

I feel a very deep sadness. I am supposed to still be among those pregnant women. I should be 31 weeks today. I am also incredibly jealous that all of those women will get to bring their babies home but I didn't get that chance.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

My blog is my best outlet. I am also involved in three support groups and I go to a counselor. Otherwise, I feel too apathetic right now to do much. I'm not a particularly creative person, so I don't draw or paint or anything like that. I do enjoy writing so I use my blog for therapy.

Answers, sort of

2009-04-23T09:27:00.002-05:00

My OB finally called me yesterday, after only 3 weeks of waiting. First, I find out that someone in his office screwed up and didn't send my Mycoplasma culture for Mycoplasma, they sent it for Herpes. I am still so pissed about that. I have an appointment with the MFM for a consult on May 6, I NEED those results. Ugh. And I had to wait 3 weeks to find out the ran the wrong damn test?! Not to mention, I'm a married woman, been that way for almost 11 years and now I have a record of being tested for Herpes. Thanks so much for that embarrassment. So now, after much wrangling and pissiness on my part, I go back in for another culture on Monday evening.

The bloodwork also came back. I'm not really sure what most of this means at this point (still googling LOL), but I'm heterozygous for MTHFR with Protein C Deficiency. I know that it means I have one copy of the gene for MTHFR, which is better than having two of them and I know that MTHFR is a blood clotting disorder. There was also some other issue that he said "I'm not sure what that is about" but I don't know what that was. I will ask him on Monday when I go back for the culture. MTHFR can cause pre-eclampsia/HELLP Syndrome, which may be why I had pre-e twice and HELLP once. If I get pregnant again, I will need to take a daily shot of Lovenox. I am going to be a freaking pharmacy if I get pregnant again.

So now I'm still waiting, waiting, waiting. I feel like that's all I've freaking done for the last 10 weeks and 2 days since Sydney died. It is nice to know about the MTHFR, but that doesn't give me answers about Sydney. I want an answer. I want a name for this damn infection that took my baby's life. It probably won't make me feel any better, but at least I'll know. This whole testing, waiting, etc, thing has been one big clusterfuck and I am just so freaking pissed. Why can't SOMETHING in my life just go right for once? The last 10 weeks have been one shitty thing after another and I have just had enough. I feel like I'm going to just snap.

Birth of an angel

2009-04-22T00:58:00.002-05:00

The other night, Eric and I were talking about Sydney, which is almost all we talk about these days. I told him that my pregnancy with her wasn't like my other two pregnancies and that I was sure that everything was going to be okay up until that fateful day I went to the hospital.

While I was pregnant with Christian, I drove myself into anxiety attacks, always worried about his well-being. I truly think my OB wanted to smack me sometimes. He banned me from my pregnancy books and put me on Prozac. I was a mess the entire time. With Hailey, I think my worry was warranted since there was a point when we didn't know if I could make it to viability due to my blood pressure. Obviously, I don't have the best obstetrical history.

With Sydney, it was different. In the beginning, I was a mess, I will admit that. I thought we were done having babies and I was terrified of what another pregnancy would do to my health. But from the moment I first saw her little beating heart on the ultrasound machine at 6 weeks, a feeling of peace came over me. I had occasional twinges of worry here and there, especially just before my 12 week appointment, but otherwise, I just knew that she would be ok. It was a nice feeling, to be so serene and happy and pregnant. When questions came up about our future and how Sydney would fit in, I just said, I'm not sure yet, we'll work it out. And that was the truth. I wasn't sure of the logistics of it all, but I knew it would be okay.

That kind of thinking is not me at all. I'm the worrier, the planner, the one who makes lists and budgets and drives herself into a frenzy about things like cloth or disposable diapers. I'm not the type of person who is optimistic enough to say, it will all work out and not figure out how to make it work out. The peace that I felt only came when Sydney was with me and I attribute it to her presence. When Sydney was born, I realized what a pure and perfect soul she is. Even though I knew I was losing her, I was able to stay calm while she was with us. When I wanted to lose it, I held it together for her. For those two hours, I was truly in the presence of an angel. Even now when I feel her near me, I feel peace and calmness even in my darkest moments.

When I told Eric these things the other night, he said to me, "Maybe that's how angels are born." Maybe he's right. I don't know why God picked my baby to be an angel and I'll probably never know. But I thank Him everyday for picking me to be her mommy. If I could go back and do it all over again, knowing how it would end, I would still choose to have my Sydney in my life.

A song

2009-04-20T21:57:00.001-05:00

"There You'll Be" by Faith Hill is one of the songs on my playlist on here. The lyrics really speak to me. I played this for Eric and he said he got a chill from it. I think it is very fitting.

When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be

Well you showed me
How it feels
To feel the sky
Within my reach
And I always
Will remember all
The strength you
Gave to me
Your love made me
Make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

'Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength
And I want to thank you
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always

In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
There you'll be

My bear

2009-04-19T00:29:00.005-05:00

Sydney's casket came with a little bear like the one pictured here. We chose to have the bear buried with her. This week a new friend from the support group at the hospital mentioned that her son had the same casket and bear and she had ordered extra bears to keep. I had no idea that was possible, so first thing the next day, I called the funeral home we used to ask about it. They called me back and said that yes, they could get the bear but I'd have to pay for it. I said, no problem, I want it. On Thursday they called to tell me it was in so Friday after work, I went to pick it up. They didn't even charge me for it after all! I thought that was so kind of them. I am so excited to have a bear just like Sydney has, I can't really explain it.

I have quite the little bear collection going now. I have the little tiny bear that Sydney was holding at the hospital on our last day together. Then I bought a big bear that I dressed in what was supposed to be Sydney's coming home outfit and I cuddle with both every night. I feel a little crazy saying that I dressed a bear in clothes and, um, wrap it in a matching blanket. But I think I'm bordering on insanity right now, so whatever. Last night I added the new bear to my sleep collection, but I don't think I'll sleep with it regularly. I don't want it to get all ratty looking. We're going to put up a shelf in the living room to set out some of our mementos so I am going to set the bear on that when it is ready. Maybe I can get Eric to work on that for me as a Mother's Day present or something.

I'm working on idea for my tattoo. I plan to get Sydney's footprints, her name, and birthdate tattooed, probably on the back of my shoulder. I have been thinking about doing it on my due date, but I'm starting to get impatient and antsy, so I'm thinking about moving it up to Mothers Day weekend. Eric is getting a matching tattoo and Mother's Day is also his birthday so that sort of works out. I don't know if I want to make a plan like that, something that means so much to me, for the due date in case I'm a complete wreck that day. I'm sure I will be. Maybe I'm just being impatient and rationalizing it. I really just want her imprinted on me forever, for others to see, ASAP.

Broken

2009-04-17T09:33:00.002-05:00

That sums me up in one word. Broken. I have a broken heart, a broken soul, a broken reproductive system. I can't concentrate, I barely sleep. I wish I was one of those people who doesn't want to eat when they are upset, but I'm the opposite. I want to eat everything.

I find myself wondering how much sadness and despair one person can handle before they just wither up and die. It seems like everyday the pain and emptiness grows. It has now been 66 days since I held my girl, since she lived and then died. It has been 65 days since I held my angel's tiny lifeless body in my arms and said goodbye to her. If this is how it feels to live a mere 66 days without her, how do I live the rest of my life? I see other parents who have been through this and they are a year out, two years, three years, twenty-five years, and they are still living and breathing, but they still say that the pain is still there, beneath the surface. I think that those people must be so much stronger than I am because I really don't know how I can survive this. Doesn't God realize that I'm too fragile for this? my psyche barely stays balanced under normal circumstances. I've battled depression, mixed with post-partum depression, since I was 12-13 years old. The last few years, I've just really gotten a hold on it and been able to cope with my own emotions. And then this. Like I said, I'm broken.

Last week when I went in for my surgery, my blood pressure was high. It hasn't been considered high or even borderline since about this time last year, when I'd lost the first 50 pounds after my Lap Band surgery. I was panicked at first and then I figured out what was going on. I went on birth control pills back in March. My OB told me that he'd let me try them, but if my blood pressure went up, I needed to stop taking them. That's why I wasn't on some type of birth control after my surgery last year (most doctors require it because it isn't ideal to get pregnant while you're in the rapid weight loss stage and losing weight apparently makes you super fertile). I called the OB's office and talked to them. He said to stop it immediately. They also didn't yet have my test results. When I went in for my 6 week checkup, I had 10 vials of blood drawn for various tests and a culture of Mycoplasma, which might be the underlying cause of the infection that I had. It will be three weeks on Monday and I have no results. Now I'm in limbo. Part of me wants to get pregnant so badly. The other part, the logical part, knows that we need to wait. At the very least, I need those test results. After that, I don't know. It isn't going to happen unless it is God's will for it to happen, so sometimes I just think we should leave it to Him to decide. I'm scared though. I also feel like I'm betraying Sydney to even consider another baby. I hope that she knows why I feel the way I do and that another baby would never replace her, not in our family or in our hearts. Maybe I'm just crazy to ever think that we could be so lucky to have a successful pregnancy and not just have another tragedy. If I'm broken now, I cannot even imagine how I would be if I lost a second baby. :(

Video

2009-04-15T01:05:00.002-05:00

I couldn't get this to upload to blogger, so I uploaded to YouTube. I made this video tonight.

Sydney's video

Two months

2009-04-10T12:14:00.003-05:00

First off, I'm home from the hospital. Surgery went very well and the gallbladder was in really bad shape. My surgeon said I should feel a lot better now. I'm not in a lot of pain, just a little sore. I was so glad to get out of the hospital. I have an anxiety about being in hospitals now.

Today is two months since Sydney was born. I can't believe it has already been two months, but sometimes it also seems like forever. This morning, I woke up around 3:45 and couldn't fall back to sleep so I watched the clock until 4:30. I called Eric and we talked for a little bit. Then I hung up to go to the bathroom. When I came out, my whole room smelled like Sydney. I settled into bed, turned off all the lights and started talking to her. A minute later, it felt like someone was holding my hand. I opened my eyes and of course, nothing was there. I told Sydney I love her and miss her and I fell asleep peacefully then. It was a very cool feeling and I love knowing that she is with me when I need her. I am so blessed to be that little girl's mommy.

Eric and I went to the hospital support group on Wednesday night. He said he was really glad he went and that it really helped him. When I go and hear the other stories, I realize that I am really lucky. So many of the moms had stillbirths or they were too sick to hold their babies or even see them. I got to hold Sydney for her entire two hours of life, I got to hear her heartbeat with the nurse's stethoscope, I got to feel her little hand grip my finger and see her move around. I wish she could've opened her eyes. I am so grateful to the Lord that He gave us that time with her. She could've easily not survived the labor and delivery, or only lived for a few minutes, which were both so likely at only 20 weeks. I guess in a situation like this, you have to be able to find the good things and rejoice in those.

Surgery tomorrow

2009-04-08T14:16:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow at 9 am, I have my gallbladder surgery. I hope it brings some relief. I haven't had any more attacks, but overall I just feel kind of off. Hard to explain. My stomach just feels blah most of the time. I've also committed to myself that when I come home from the hospital, I'm getting back on my lap band plan (if you don't know, I had Lap Band weight loss surgery on Feb. 28, 2008, and lost 100 lbs in 7 months before I got pregnant). I have about 75 lbs to lose to get to my goal. Eric and I have agreed that when I lose at least another 60 lbs or so, we'll start trying to get pregnant. We think. That's the general plan.

My thoughts on getting pregnant again are all over the board. Some days, I want to get pregnant again immediately. My body yearns for another baby. Other days, I don't think I'll ever want to try again. I'm terrified of losing another baby. So we've decided to leave it in God's hands. Well, after a few things get taken care of first. I'm waiting to hear back about my cultures to see if I need to be treated for Mycoplasma and I will not let myself get pregnant without knowing since that may be the cause of my pre-term labor and PPROM. Eric and I both need treatment if I have mycoplasma. I also need to lose a minimum of 30 lbs or so before I'm comfortable with going off birth control. We've decided to let things happen and not use fertility drugs or anything. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and it took us almost 2 years to conceive Christian, then Hailey and Sydney were both surprises, so we really don't know how easy or difficult it would be to get pregnant again. If we aren't blessed with a pregnancy naturally, we will not resort to extreme measures, we'll accept that it isn't God's will in our lives.

On top of everything, I feel guilty for thinking about having another baby. I was supposed to still be carrying Sydney. I don't want to get pregnant before June because this was supposed to be her time in my womb. I feel like I'm betraying her by wanting another baby. I hope that she understands and knows my heart. I cannot have her, it is completely impossible for that to happen. Another baby will NOT ever replace her or how I feel about her, it will not mend my broken heart or add back the missing piece of my soul. I am so angry that I even have to make this decision. Sydney was supposed to be our last baby, our little surprise that was meant to be and beat the odds to get here. Now I'm left with nothing except this pain and anguish, little clothes and pictures, a heart that's so full of love that it might explode, and empty arms. But will another baby do anything to soothe me? Or am I putting a really big responsibility on a tiny soul? I don't think this is a decision I can make, not now, maybe not ever. So I give it to the Lord and ask Him to lead us down the right road for our family. I pray that His will would be for us to have a living baby to bring home, but I have to be able to accept that he may bless us with another baby who becomes an angel far too soon.

Pray for me in surgery tomorrow. I'm not nervous or afraid. I used to be afraid of dying (not that I think I'll die, but you never know), but not anymore. I'm terrified of the thought of Christian and Hailey growing up without a mother most definitely. But if it is my time, I know that the most wonderful gift is waiting for me in Heaven. My Sydney. I look forward to that day. But as much as I miss her and wish we were together, she's in very good hands right now and Christian and Hailey do need me so much. I want to see them grow up and experience their lives. As much as it hurts me to think it, my baby doesn't need me right now and Christian and Hailey do. Sometimes I think that she does need me, what if she's alone or afraid, then I remember, she's in Heaven. There are no tears in Heaven, she will never know loneliness or hunger or fear. If my baby has to be anywhere except with me, that's where I would want her to be.

Some pictures and some rambling thoughts

2009-04-06T23:36:00.004-05:00

I've had a really rough few days. Every time I think I am making some progress, I fall further back. On Saturday, I received an email from a friend on a lap band board. It helped me so much and actually brought me a sense of peace for a little bit. I was touched that she chose to reach out to me and I truly think that the Lord was working through her. I wish I could maintain that feeling from Saturday, but it is so hard.

Easter is coming and I really don't want to face it. Well, more like I really don't want to face certain family members because I'm angry with them and they think I should "get over it" and move on. We usually have Easter brunch with my in laws during the late morning and then stop my mom's house. I am really angry with Eric's grandmother over some things that happened while I was in the hospital and I think it would be better if I avoided her altogether. Since I'm having surgery three days before Easter, I figured I had an easy out. I asked my mother in law to take the kids the day before Easter so I can rest while Eric works and they can go to their school's Easter egg hunt. She agreed so I figured that could be their Easter with her, no big deal. Well, Eric and I ended up in a fight because my MIL was "confused" and thought I said Sunday. Eric just went with it and was planning to take the kids to his grandma's house on Easter and leave me alone. Nice, very nice. Such a considerate caring man. *sigh*

So things are not going well here at all. I feel like my entire life will never be the same, that my marriage is going to fall apart, that my living children will grow up resenting me because I can't be everything they need right now, that everything I've worked for over the last few years is going to go to crap because I'm hurting so much.

Yesterday, I took the kids to Hailey's best friend's birthday party. Despite the kids (especially Hailey) begging me to stay, I had to leave. Right next to the party we were with was a baby girl's 1st birthday party. There were at least 3 cute little girls around probably 6-18 months. Plus there was a very pregnant woman at the party we were at and the hostess announced that she was due that exact day and they were afraid she would go into labor right there. For my sanity, I left the kids there and came home for a while. When I got home, I did the only thing I could think of--I got on my knees and prayed. I prayed for mercy, for forgiveness, I threw myself at the Lord's feet and laid it all out to Him. I told Him that He is the only one I can turn to, the only one who can help me. I feel like a bad child who has made her parent angry. I feel like He has turned His back on me.

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. I was at a store and had Hailey with me. Someone asked me if I was having a boy or a girl and I said, I am having a boy. They said, oh you'll have one of each and I responded with, I also have another boy at home so I'll have two boys and a girl. I woke up feeling very sad. First because I feel like I was forsaking Sydney in my dream. I will ALWAYS have at least two daughters. Second, I realized that nobody will ever realize that there is another member of our family when they meet us, that it will always seem like we only have two (or three at some point, God willing) children instead of one more. That makes me very sad. I want Sydney's life to have an impact. I don't want her life and death to have been for no reason. I feel like nobody else will ever realize what a special child she was/is. Above all, I feel so blessed to be her mommy and to be in her life. I'm also so grateful that she was in my life because she has changed me in so many ways.

Are you serious?!

2009-04-01T16:39:00.003-05:00

Ugh, it is always something. Last night, I ended up in the ER until about 4:30 am or so in severe abdominal and back pain. It turns out I seem to have gallstones or some other gallbladder issue. This is common after both losing a lot of weight and having a baby. I had an ultrasound of my gallbladder today and at this point, I am scheduled to have surgery on Thursday, April 9. He didn't have the results of the ultrasound yet, but something was seen in my gallbladder on CT Scan, so he's sure it needs to come out. *sigh* I just can't catch a break. I feel like crap and like this unreliable loser at work because stuff keeps happening to me. My coworkers must hate me sometimes.

On Monday, Eric and I went to the cemetery together. When we got there, we found that the big brightly colored pinwheels were broken! Two of the little Easter eggs on the sticks were also damaged. I was so upset. I'm trying to remember, this stuff is outside and it will get damaged. It almost looks like it was done on purpose though. I know people that live near there actually walk their dogs in the cemetery and I wonder if a dog got a hold of it. We did get crappy weather Saturday and Sunday, but another nearby grave has the same pinwheels and theirs were intact. I was planning to buy some new ones and take them out there today, but I am exhausted and feel like crud, so I guess I'll just try to go this weekend instead.

One bright spot--there is a second little purple flower growing next to the original one. About 2 feet or so from Sydney's grave, there is a little area with a bunch of the purple flowers growing now. On the opposite side of the Babyland area, there are some darker purple flowers growing around and on several of the graves. It is really neat to see all these little flowers growing all around the babies. It is weird, the original flower on Sydney's grave was there a good two weeks before any of the others we saw this week. My new friend Jen (from Glory Babies) found the flower type for me. It is the hedyotis crassifolia, which always points skyward. :)

Website

2009-03-31T09:26:00.003-05:00

I have put together a memorial website for Sydney and I wanted to share the link here. There are many more pictures of her on the website.

http://sydney-alexis.last-memories.com/

Pictures

2009-03-26T16:43:00.003-05:00

The hospital sent us some more pictures. These are more like the traditional newborn pictures that all babies get. There were several poses. We have two black and white 5x7's of the main pose, then some 3x5's of the other poses, and some wallets. I think I might call and order some more, maybe a bigger one that I can frame or something.

I went out of town for work this week and we were pretty busy, so I had a pretty good distraction. When I got home and saw the pictures (of course, they came while I was gone and I had to wait even longer), I just broke down. :( I don't know how much more of this pain I can bear. It is so suffocating, sometimes I feel like I literally cannot breathe.

It seems like, 6 weeks later, the finality is really hitting me. I mean, I know that death is final, but it seems to really hit hard right now. It's hard to explain. Maybe other angel mamas will understand what I'm trying to say. Sydney is never coming back, I'll never hold her again, I'll never see her sweet little face. It's overwhelming and it hurts so badly. I want to fall asleep and never wake up.

Glory Babies

2009-03-19T21:47:00.003-05:00

Tonight I met with a mama who runs the local Glory Babies support group. Glory Babies is a Christ-centered group for infertility and pregnancy/infant loss. The other Glory Babies groups are in Texas, but this particular group is the only one outside of Texas and it is only about 5 minutes from my house. She told me that I'm the first person to call her since she started the group here.

Meeting with Jen was very fitting this week. I've been having a lot of trouble accepting Sydney's death and I find myself having a crisis of faith. I've never once in my life questioned whether or not there is a God, but I have been lately. I wonder, how can a loving God take my sweet little baby from me? These thoughts are so distressing for me because my biggest comfort is that Sydney is in Heaven and she's safe and happy in the arms of Jesus. I cannot stray from my faith now. I look forward to the day that Sydney and I are together in Heaven. Jen and I talked a lot about this and she offered me some scripture and books to help me. I guess that what I'm going through is normal, but I don't want to feel this way. I wish I could ask God why Sydney died and actually get an answer from Him. I want to know why I have been chosen for this path because I don't feel strong enough to cope with it and why my baby girl was chosen to be an angel and not get to see and experience life on Earth. Of course, at this point, no reason seems like it could justify this pain and anguish that we all feel.

Pictures from today

2009-03-16T22:47:00.005-05:00

And because I just realized I haven't posted pictures of Sydney herself, here are a couple.

The flower

2009-03-16T09:54:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, Eric and I took the kids to the cemetery for the first time. We took some things to decorate Sydney's grave for Easter/spring. We put everything up and then we sat for an hour or so. When we were getting ready to leave, Eric and I were standing at the foot of the grave, looking down. Somehow I missed it at first, but just then I saw a tiny purple flower growing at the head of the grave. I thought maybe it had fallen off the flowers we brought or the ones we'd just taken off so I reached down and checked. Sure enough, it was growing up from the ground. It was amazing. I really feel that it is a sign from Sydney.

Eric works near the cemetery so he's going to go back today and take some pictures, including one of the flower. I forgot my camera yesterday. I forget everything lately, I'm so distracted. Even writing this post, I wandered away a few times and came back. I'm trying really hard to not expect too much of myself right now. I'm in my last semester of school for my associate's degree and even though it was really hard for me to accept, I dropped two of my courses. I'm just not up to managing a full load right now. I hope to maintain my GPA with the 2 courses I'm completing because I'd hate to blow it at this point. I'm taking the summer off, then starting the last two years of my bachelor's degree in the fall.

I've also decided that if something is too hard for me to deal with, I'm not dealing with it and people will have to accept that. I may not participate in the family's Easter celebration. I am almost definitely not attending a family wedding in May (two of my cousins have small babies, born in November and January). I have a good excuse for the wedding though. It is on Eric's birthday and it is also Mother's Day. I'll send a gift with my parents and not worry about it. I'm trying to decide what to do for Christian and Hailey for Easter. I have to manage that for them, but it's hard. I keep telling myself, this wouldn't have been Sydney's first Easter anyway, she was due in June. It's still hard. Yesterday at the cemetery, Christian asked what we'll do for Sydney at Christmas. He asked, "Will we bring her presents here?" :*( I told him that Sydney will get a different present than him and Hailey. We are going to buy a brick at the Angel of Hope for the fall dedication for her.

Support Group

2009-03-13T12:20:00.004-05:00

On Wednesday night, I went to my first support group at the hospital. I was so nervous. The whole day, I felt really on edge, like tears were just under the surface. On the way to the hospital, I put in Sydney's cd--the songs we played at her funeral. That started the tears. When everybody was giving their introductions at the group, I cried a lot. All of the other stories were so sad. It is awful to think about how many people have been through this. There were a couple of moms who lost their babies a little over 3 years ago, so it does give hope that it gets better at some point.

I am really glad I went. I realized that the way I feel is pretty normal in this situation. I don't feel quite so crazy anymore. On the way home, I stopped at Target and bought a big teddy bear. When I got home, I dressed it in the homecoming outfit that we'd picked out for Sydney and wrapped it in the matching blanket. I cried so hard while I did that because I'd pictured myself dressing Sydney in that same outfit to bring her home and now all I can do is dress a bear. Eric watched me dress the bear and when I held it and broke down crying, he did too. It felt oddly relieving to cry together like that. I slept with my new bear cradled in my arms, the way I used to cradle Christian and Hailey when they slept with us. I did sleep better the last couple of nights.

One month

2009-03-10T23:39:00.003-05:00

I made it through the day today. The anticipation seemed worse than the day itself. I took Eric to work and then went to the cemetery before I went to work. It was wet and muddy so I took a blanket. It was a pretty nice day today, warm and sunny for most of the day. I sat on the blanket and talked to Sydney. I hadn't really done that much before, at least not out loud. I'm not sure why.

Tomorrow night, I'm going to my first support group at the hospital where I delivered. I'm a little nervous about it. We don't have a sitter, so I'm going alone while Eric stays with the kids. I wish he could go too. I guess we'll see how it goes. There is also a group at a Christian store about 5 minutes from my house. They meet next week. I might try that one too, since it is closer.

Overall, I guess I'm doing okay. I just feel so blah. I don't think I'm depressed, like clinical depression. I know I'm depressed, as in really sad, crying a lot, etc. But unlike past depressions, I get out of bed everyday, I go to work, I do what I need to. It's hard. I'm in survival mode right now, I think. I really have no desire to feel better. I've been taking an anti-depressant since I was in the hospital and I think that's the one thing keeping me from going over the edge right now. I feel like I'm constantly on the brink of a major breakdown and I won't be able to function even at the most basic level if that happens. I feel so isolated and lonely. Nobody calls to check on me anymore, nobody brings up Sydney, they all seem to have moved on and I'm stuck. I wish I had someone to talk to that understood and didn't make me feel like a freak for feeling the way I do and I didn't feel like I was burdening them with my problems.

Ugh, another night of restless sleep. I barely sleep. I'm so exhausted, but it's so hard for me to fall asleep and stay asleep. Then I come home from work and fall asleep too early and wake up, then I can't sleep at night. Today I slept from about 4:30-6:30, which was so stupid. I'm tired now, but I know I'll lay down in bed and toss and turn. Bedtime was always the time that I felt Sydney kicking and rolling around inside of me. :( She should still be in there, kicking me in the ribs and sitting on my bladder and that should be what keeps me awake at night. Not this.

Have I mentioned that it seriously pisses me off to hear other women complain about their pregnancies? I'd give anything to have those discomforts. :(

A month ago

2009-03-08T23:18:00.003-05:00

My nightmare started a month ago today. Sunday, February 8th, I was supposed to be celebrating Hailey's birthday, but I ended up in the hospital. The whole thing still seems so surreal. When the resident told me, "I can see a good portion of the bag of waters," I couldn't believe it. I've been to L&D many times with my other kids and always heard, it's nothing or it's something simple (UTI once, yeast infection once). This was the start of a nightmare that I can't wake up from. Some mornings when I wake up, my first thought is that it was just a dream and I'm still pregnant, Sydney is still safe in my womb, and none of this ever happened. But every morning, the first thing I see is the little brown teddy bear that the nurses had in Sydney's hands on our second day in the hospital. I take that bear with me everywhere and at night, I sleep with it wrapped in the little pink fleece blanket that she was wrapped in on the first day.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't rehash the events leading up to Sydney's birth and wonder what I could've done differently. I wish I'd realized something was going on and gone to the hospital sooner. I wish...well, I wish a lot of things, too many to list here. I wish I could make it all go away and have my baby back. I have begged and pleaded with God to just put her back inside of me, to please give me my sweet little baby back.

I feel nothing but pain. I want to feel peace. I don't want to feel this torment anymore. I want to understand, I want to know why. Not why physically, but why in the big picture was my baby taken from me. I feel like the Lord has turned His back on me when I need Him the most. I felt a surge of faith when Sydney first died and now, I feel like the bad child who has been scolded by her parents and sent to her room. I want to see Sydney in my dreams and feel her near me. There were a few times, in the first couple of weeks, when I would suddenly smell her near me and it made me feel so calm and comforted. I haven't had that happen in a while though. I'm so irrational, I worry that she isn't near me because she's angry with me for letting her down and for not being with her now. I worry that she will never know how much I love her and how much I wanted her to be here with me.

I'm a basket case. I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown any minute.

Medical update

2009-03-06T10:03:00.003-06:00

I had my follow up with Dr. S yesterday. I don't need a D&C, thank God. I'm also ovulating already. My body has already moved on and forgotten about the baby that was in there, should still be in there. That really threw me off. Dr. S said that I should have one period and then he'd be ok with us TTC again. I looked at him like he was nuts and said, no I want birth control. He said, why, don't you want another baby? I said, I don't know and even if I do, I need some time to deal with losing this baby. Why do people think it is somehow comforting that I can have another baby? I want SYDNEY. Even if I can have a baby, it doesn't mean I will. I am terrified at the thought of getting pregnant again. I can't go through another loss like this.

The pieces of the puzzle are falling into place. After Hailey was born, I got a copper IUD. After 3 years or so with that, I started bleeding uncontrollably and had it removed. I continued bleeding so in April 2007, I had a hysteroscopy and D&C to check things out and the bleeding stopped for a few months. When it started again, I tried to have a tubal ligation and Novasure (endometrial ablation), but when I was put into the Trendelenberg position during surgery, I stopped breathing and my oxygen saturation dropped into the 60s. They decided that it was caused by my weight and that led me to have Lap Band surgery on February 28, 2008. In the meantime, after the attempted tubal/Novasure (which never happened obviously), I started having a lot of pain with the bleeding and ended up in the ER, admitted to the hospital, and had an emergency D&C because I was basically hemorrhaging. That D&C showed "chronic endometritis," I was treated with a month of Doxycycline and the bleeding went away. So fast forward to now. I get pregnant and end up with some type of infection. It dawns on Dr. S that Eric wasn't treated. If it was mycoplasma then, he probably had it too and should've been treated. He gave it back to me, I got pregnant, and it went crazy. Stupid bacteria. Dr. S will do an endo biopsy at my 6 week check up to confirm, then treat us both. If I decide to get pregnant again, I will be on prophylactic antibiotics throughout the pregnancy, along with at least biweekly cervical length checks.

I have no idea what I want to do as far as another baby. I go back and forth all the time. One minute, I think I need a baby, NOW. I want to be pregnant ASAP because I want to fill up this empty place in my heart, arms, and womb. Then I think, I can't do it, I can't risk going through this again. My rational side keeps reminding my irrational side that I can't put her back, a new baby won't be Sydney, we can't have a baby for the wrong reasons and put the responsibility of our healing on the shoulders of a tiny baby. But, damn it is so hard to know that I won't be having my baby in my arms in a few months, that she was already here and in my arms for a few short hours and that's all I ever get with her. I didn't think I ever wanted more kids and now that she was here and left her mark on my heart and soul, I can't imagine not experiencing it all again. We thought Sydney was our fate--that she HAD to be meant to be. I attempted to have a tubal and it failed. In early October, Eric went to the urologist after months of me telling him to and scheduled his vasectomy. It was supposed to be in December, about 2 weeks before Christmas. On October 26th, I found out I was pregnant. We thought, wow this baby snuck in there just before the vasectomy and it must be fate. We were going to go ahead with the vasectomy so we wouldn't have to worry about it after she was born. Eric works at Sears and of course, December is a really busy month and the weekend he would've needed off for his vasectomy was their busiest weekend of the season so we decided to just postpone it. Now here we are, our baby is gone, and we have a choice to make. Maybe her purpose here was to make us realize how much we wanted another child, but damnit, we had her! Why did she have to go? She was so perfect and beautiful. Why did God give us this angel that we didn't even know we wanted just to take her away?

24 weeks

2009-03-06T09:42:00.003-06:00

If I was still pregnant, I would've been 24 weeks today. With my history, that was a date that was always on my mind, a goal of sorts to make sure my baby could be helped. But it's already been almost a month since Sydney has been gone. It just amazes me that a month ago, we were so happy and excited because we'd just found out our baby was a girl. We had no idea how our world would come crashing down in just a few days. Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday are going to be hard. A month. I can't believe it has already been a month, but I also can't believe it has only been a month. It seems like a lifetime ago already.

March for Babies

2009-03-04T23:53:00.003-06:00

Eric and I are forming a team to walk in the St. Louis March for Babies. The walk is on April 25. I was hesitant for several reasons, but we decided to go for it. Our team is, of course, walking in memory of Sydney and in honor of Hailey, our 6 year old who was born 7 weeks too soon. I bought myself some new running shoes tonight so I can start working out and getting ready for the walk. It's a 3 mile walk and before I got pregnant, I was walking about 1.5-2 miles a day, so I have some work to do. I didn't really walk or workout the whole time I was pregnant because I was always so tired. I had no other discomforts, just that.

I had a pretty good day at work yesterday. I was busy with customers and getting my office back in order after being out for three weeks. Then I had some other stuff to do to keep myself occupied. Once I got home, it seemed to really hit me again. Today was so-so. We went to the cemetery. The ground was really wet and muddy, so we didn't stay long. I meant to bring a blanket or towel so we could just sit. Last week when we went, it was wet too, but not so muddy so we just sat and had wet pants. It is so peaceful at Sydney's spot. I'm really glad we chose that cemetery.

While we were at the cemetery, Eric said, "I never thought this would happen to us." Our first two pregnancies were high risk, especially the second. We had several scares, including a hospital admission at 23 weeks for super high blood pressure (I developed PIH at about 14 weeks) and Hailey was born at 33 weeks after an emergency induction when my kidneys and liver were failing (I had severe atypical pre-eclampsia and possibly HELLP Syndrome). I also had pre-eclampsia with Christian, but it wasn't too bad and he was induced at 36 weeks after a non-reactive NST and slowing movements. We knew this pregnancy was high risk going in, but up until February 8th, I felt great. It was my best pregnancy yet. I was so confident that I would actually make it to term. I was so much healthier this time around. I never imagined we would end up like this.

It's just so confusing and completely unfair. :(

Back to work

2009-03-02T19:01:00.003-06:00

I went back to work today. It was so hard and I was dreading it. My very first customer of the day was a woman who just had a baby last month AND she brought the baby. I wasn't expecting her to come in today. When I saw her and the baby, I just froze. I tried really hard not to cry, but the tears came. She knew I was pregnant and she put things together pretty quickly. She practically ran out of the office as soon as she was done. I sat and cried for a while after she left.

Christian (my 7 year old) has been writing letters to Sydney. In his letter last week, he said that he wanted Sydney to write back to him. Eric explained that she can't do that. He wrote another one and said he knows she can't write now. :( It's heartbreaking. Both Christian and Hailey were so excited about having a little sister. Christian has already asked when we can have another baby. :(

So lonely

2009-03-01T01:20:00.003-06:00

I miss my baby. I barely knew her, only carried her for 20 weeks inside of me and held her in my arms for her short 2 hour life, but I miss her so much. I feel so empty, more empty than I ever thought possible. I ache to have my baby back inside of my womb, to feel her kick and wiggle again, to look forward to seeing her little face in June, to pick out little dresses and sleepers for her. My arms ache for her. My breasts leak milk meant for her. My soul and my heart are shattered into a million pieces and even if I manage to put them back together, one huge piece will be missing.

Instead of happy expectation, I'm left with questions that can't be answered. Why? That's the constant question in my mind. WHY? Why my baby? Why my family? Why did Sydney's life end before it really even began? Why do I have to bear this pain? Why can't my body just work right instead of failing? Why do I have to help my other children understand this when I don't understand it?

I feel such terrible guilt over what has happened. My body failed. My only job was to carry Sydney so she could grow and develop and I couldn't do it. She depended on me for life and I let her down. When my husband or children cry and tell me that they miss her, I just want to tell them, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let us all down and that our lives will never be the same.

I feel so lonely and isolated. I think that people are starting to distance themselves from us, from me. Maybe my grief is a burden to them. Maybe they blame me too. I feel like I have nobody to talk to. On one message board that I post on, it seems that everybody is pregnant or has a new baby. It hurts so badly because I was supposed to be one of the happily expecting moms too. I have no idea where to turn or how to reach out for help. I've reached out to a couple of moms here and there. I've been reading a lot of blogs and I feel the pain of the other moms who have lost their babies too. I hate that so many others know this pain, some of them multiple times. It doesn't help that I'm almost painfully shy when it comes to meeting new people and I am always unsure of myself, so I worry about bothering people with my problems. This is my outlet, even if I'm talking to myself. I can barely handle talking to Eric because he is also hurting so much, it hurts me even more to hear the pain in his voice or see it in his eyes. I don't feel like this pain will ever get any better.

In the mail

2009-02-26T23:19:00.001-06:00

I got a nice little surprise in the mail yesterday. It was an envelope from the hospital, so I thought it was the pictures that we've been waiting on. It was lumpy though. I opened it up and there was a card from the Mercy Heartprints staff (they are the ones who help moms who have lost their babies) and a little package wrapped in bubble wrap. I opened it up and it was a casting of Sydney's footprint, in the shape of a heart and attached to a pin so I can wear it. I had been wishing that we would've been able to make some sort of cast of her hands and feet, so this was a wonderful gift to receive from them.

Doctor appointment today

2009-02-26T11:56:00.001-06:00

I had a follow up with my OB today. I've been having a lot of bleeding and cramping still. He said that it is typical in a situation like this to have problems with retained placenta or other "products of conception" so he wanted to do an ultrasound. I do have some "junk" left behind. I told him I'd like to avoid a D&C if at all possible, so he's giving me another week to pass it and then if it won't come out, I'll have to have the D&C.

He had the pathology report and level 2 ultrasound report. My level 2 ultrasound was done on February 4th, just 4 days before I ended up in the hospital. The report showed that Sydney was a perfect normal baby. The pathology report was hard to swallow. The baby's side of the placenta showed a stage 1 grade 1 infection, which was an acute infection due to the premature rupture of membranes (PROM). The maternal side of the placenta had a grade 2 stage 2 infection. He said it was more advanced and I'd probably had the infection for some time. The infection was the likely cause of the pre-term labor and PROM. He suspects a bacteria called mycoplasma and will do an endometrial biopsy to try to verify that at my 6 week check up. I'm also going to consult with a maternal fetal medicine specialist before I get pregnant again (IF I get pregnant again). He said if he confirms mycoplasma, I will NOT get a cerclage in my next pregnancy unless I show signs of cervical weakness and he will do regular cervical length checks to watch for that. He said the cerclage would increase my risk of reinfection so it isn't a smart move if infection was the problem. I guess mycoplasma is hard to get rid of or it reoccurs easily. I'd also be on antibiotics throughout the pregnancy to prevent a recurrence. Of course, this is all IF I get pregnant again and we just aren't in a place to decide that right now. I'm leaning towards it, but I need time. I need to heal physically and emotionally and I need to lose more weight. I want to be as healthy as possible before I face a hard super high risk pregnancy.

As I was waiting for the nurse to finish my paperwork for Eric's FMLA leave, I was talking to the receptionist. She asked me, how's your baby? She had no idea what had happened I guess. I just stared at her for a second and then I said, my baby passed. She was really freaked out. She said, oh my God, I'm so sorry, I am so sorry, I didn't know. I was crying, she was crying. The nurse finally brought my paperwork and I just left. I stopped in the bathroom to just cry for a minute before I could compose myself enough to drive. I go back to work on Monday so I guess I need to prepare myself for this kind of thing. I work in a very small office, mostly alone, but with one other person sometimes so of course she knows. My bosses and anybody I talk to regularly know, but the customers don't. I've been there for almost four years, so I know my customers pretty well. Many of them knew I was pregnant because I was showing and of course, telling people. Why not? Once you get out of the first trimester, you're supposed to be safe, right? I don't know how I will keep my composure and not break down and cry when people ask about my baby.

Sandwritten

2009-02-23T17:24:00.001-06:00

There is a beautiful memorial site on blogger (sandwritten.blogspot.com) that shows pictures of lost baby's name written in the sand. The mama who runs the site also lost her baby.

She wrote Sydney's name in the sand for us. Here's the link: Sydney's name in the sand.

Our sweet Sydney's birth story

2009-02-22T03:50:00.001-06:00

Our baby Sydney Alexis was born and passed on February 10, 2009. I went in to the hospital on Sunday, February 8, after some slight bleeding, and was told I was 4 cm dilated and my bag of water was bulging through my cervix. I was placed head down in bed overnight, but the next morning, my water broke. I was monitored throughout the day and my temperature rose little by little. By late afternoon, it was 100.4 and the water leaking looked infected. My doctor determined I had an infection (which may or may not have caused the early labor or might have come on later) and told I had to be induced. This was devastating, as I was only 20 1/2 weeks pregnant and knew Sydney could not make it. Around 5 or 6 that evening (February 9th, also my older daughter Hailey's birthday), Pitocin was started. I began to feel some slight cramping and contractions around 8, but I fell asleep and woke up around 9:30. At that point, I was praying that I would hold out until midnight so Sydney would not be born on Hailey's birthday.

From 9:30 until 11:30, I had major contractions that were every 2-3 minutes apart. Not a single one showed up on the monitor. They said my uterus was too small to really show. They also couldn't track Sydney's heart rate because she was too small to pick up. A little after 11:30, Dr. S showed up and checked me. I was having a lot of pressure and pain. Sydney had turned breech so her feet were kicking my cervix and the amniotic sac was pressing my cervix and filled back up. He broke the bag again and the pressure subsided. He said it would be another 4-5 hours probably. I decided to get the epidural finally. He wanted me to have it because a lot of times, the placenta is very stubborn and won't deliver when it is that early and he thought I might need to go to the OR to have it removed. I was in a lot of pain and wanted to get some sleep so I would be awake enough to spend whatever time we had with Sydney. I got the epidural (which hurt like hell) and then slept off and on from about 1-3:30.

At 3:30, I woke up to a lot of pressure and pain. My epidural seemed to not be working very well. The nurse came in and I told her how I was feeling. She went to get the resident and they finally checked me. The resident said that Sydney was head down and "right there." My legs were shaking so hard. I was so scared. I knew I had to push her out, but I didn't want to do it. I knew that it meant she was going to die. They told me they needed to get ready and would be right back. They didn't come back until about 4:25 am.

Dr. S couldn't make it in for the actual delivery, so the resident came in and got me ready to push. I figured it would be a huge ordeal with bright lights and everybody hovering around. It wasn't. They kept the lights pretty low and didn't even break down the bed. The resident had me pull back my legs and "try" a push. I pushed just a little and Sydney came right out. I couldn't feel anything and said, is she out? I looked at Eric and he nodded. The look on his face was one of shock, terror, but also adoration. I was so scared to see her, I had no idea what to expect. The doctor was taking her sweet time cutting and clamping the cord and I was getting frantic because they'd told us that she'd probably only live for a few minutes and I wanted her in my arms.

Finally, they wrapped her up and put her in my arms. I couldn't believe how tiny she was. I'd never seen a baby so little. My first thoughts were, she's so beautiful and she looks just like her big brother. She was so perfect. I studied every inch of her little body. She moved around a little bit, opened and closed her mouth, and gripped my finger a few times. I passed her to Eric and he held her for a minute. My mother in law was there and she got to see Sydney. I asked for her back and put her skin to skin on my chest. I wanted her little life to be spent warm and cozy, listening to my heartbeat as she'd done for the last 20 weeks.

For about 10 minutes or so, she moved around a little, reached her hands out and reacted to our touches. At one point, I stroked her arms a few times and she pulled it back like she was saying, hey leave me alone. After a while, she stopped moving and I thought she was gone. The nurse checked for a heartbeat and smiled and said, it's still there. She seemed to settle in all warm and cozy in my arms. A couple of times, I started crying because I couldn't bear the thought of losing her. I made myself stop because I didn't want her to hear me crying, I didn't want to scare her.

Every 15 minutes or so, the nurse would come back in and check for Sydney's heartbeat. Every time, it was still there. At about 6:15, when the nurse checked, she asked if we wanted to listen. Her heartbeat was faint, but still there. She wasn't gasping for air and she didn't seem uncomfortable. Just before 6:30, the hospital chaplain came in and said a blessing for Sydney. The nurse checked her heartbeat at 6:30 and it was still there. When she checked again at 6:45, it was gone. Our sweet baby girl became an angel after just over 2 hours on Earth.

I cried harder than I've ever cried before. I held her fragile little body and just cried. I was also in a lot of physical pain. In the two hours since Sydney's birth, the placenta hadn't budged. I was given Cytotec to cause contractions to push it out and I felt like my body was being ripped in half. The anesthesiologist finally came in and redosed my epidural and I dozed off for a little bit. At about 7:15, Dr. S showed up to check on things. I was in pain again so he didn't check me right away. They waited for another dose on the epidural to kick in. Dr. S pronounced Sydney's death and went to fill out the paperwork. He finally came back in a little before 8:30 after I was finally not in pain anymore. They prepped the bed because he was going to attempt a manual extraction. I passed Sydney to Eric and he held her for a while. When Dr. S was ready to get the placenta out, he realized that it had dislodged on its own and it came out with one tug. We were so relieved because it was going to be really painful for him to basically rip it out, plus that would risk leaving pieces of it behind.

After that ordeal, I held Sydney for a little while longer, then the nurse came and asked if they could take her for weight and measurements. I said yes and they took her. Eric and I cried together and fell asleep for a little while. Sleep was my only relief from how I felt. At about 11, they came in and took me to the post-partum room. Fortunately, I didn't have to go to the mom and baby floor, I got to go to women's health. I didn't want to hear babies crying and all that.

The hospital where I delivered has an amazing program that helps parents who have lost a baby. The coordinator, Maggie, had come in and seen us when we knew that Sydney wasn't going to make it. When we got to our new room, Maggie brought Sydney back in to us. She was dressed in a tiny white dress, with a white and pink hat, and wrapped in a pink fleece blanket. She also had a little pink heart pillow and a little white teddy bear. We spent the rest of the day with her, most of the time, all three of us were cuddled in bed together. I didn't want to put her down. We had the nurses take her out for a little while in the afternoon because Eric went to pick up Christian and Hailey and brought them back to see me. Once they left, we had the nurse bring Sydney in again and we spent the rest of the evening with her. I kissed her, rocked her, talked to her, stroked her little face and arms and hands. I sang to her and cried. The nurses took her for the night around 11:00 pm and brought us back her clothes and blanket. I had planned to sleep with her all night, but they said that she needed to be in the cold room for a little while. That seemed so awful to me. It was a rough night. I cried myself to sleep, then woke up around 4:30--her birth time--and went to the bathroom. When I came back, I saw her little blanket and hat, which I'd been sleeping with, and just lost it. I couldn't believe my baby was gone--I still can't believe it. I was dreading the next day because I knew that would be the last time I had with her, that I had to let her go.

The next day, the nurse brought Sydney back in to us. They dressed her in a tiny flannel gown, with a green hat, and a little brown teddy bear. We spent the whole day with her. When my discharge papers were ready, we told the nurse that we would leave at 5 pm. I told Eric that we needed to set a time because otherwise, I wouldn't be able to just tell them to take her and leave. I took a little time away from her to shower and dress, then we sat together on the couch in our room and held her. I unwrapped her blanket and looked over her whole body. I kissed her little hands and feet. I studied her little legs. They seemed so long. I wrapped her back up and let Eric hold her. He sang to her, Golden Slumbers by the Beatles, which he also sang to Christian and Hailey when they were babies. Then I took her and sat in the rocking chair and just held her and rocked. I kissed her forehead, her eyes, nose, lips, cheeks, ears. I wanted to give her enough kisses to fill a lifetime. I kept watching the clock as it ticked closer to the time we had to go. The nurse actually said she would be in at 4:45 to take Sydney and get us ready to go. The time seemed to go by so quickly. We took tons of pictures--about 250 altogether plus two videos. I wish we'd taken more. Just before the nurse came in, I sang Baby Mine to her. That was the song I used to sing to Christian and Hailey as I rocked them to sleep at night. At 4:50 the nurse came in for her. I held Sydney close to me and cried so hard. I looked at her little face and kissed it one last time. Then the nurse took her. Before we left, they brought back her little gown, hat, blanket and teddy bear.

I left the hospital with a bag of mementos and a broken heart and soul. I don't know how I can ever be the same person that I was before. I know I won't be. I don't know who I will be. I feel empty, lost, and broken. My body aches for Sydney. My arms and womb feel so empty. I never imagined I could feel pain of this intensity. I keep asking why...why me? why my baby? why why why? I don't understand and I can't accept it. It kills me to see my husband and children hurting so badly. It is hell to wake up every morning and face the harsh reality of my life. All I have left are pictures and clothes and mementos from the hospital. When I close my eyes, I see her beautiful perfect little face. The little brown teddy bear they gave us is my constant companion. I sleep with it and carry it everywhere I go. People must think I'm crazy when I'm out somewhere and I'm carrying around this tiny stuffed bear. Maybe I am crazy.

Death Certificate

2009-02-21T23:49:00.001-06:00

My baby doesn't even have a birth certificate yet, but we have her death certificate. In Missouri, if a baby is stillborn, they only get a birth certificate. But if they are born alive and take even one breath, they get a birth certificate and a death certificate. She'll also get a social security number.

The funeral home called last night and left a message saying that Sydney's death certificates were in. We were surprised because they said to expect two weeks or so. Eric went to pick them up this morning, but he was frazzled and didn't know where to go. So we went back by tonight to get them.

There was nothing shocking. Her time of death is listed at 7:15 am, but that's when the doctor pronounced her death. She actually passed sometime between 6:30 and 6:45 am. Cause of death is obvious, extreme prematurity. Below that, there is a line that says, "Other significant conditions contributing to cause of death" and they filled in "Incompetent Cervix."

The doctor and I have been back and forth on the incompetent cervix. First he said, maybe, then definitely, then back to maybe. We know there was an infection, but the question is, was it the primary cause or secondary to being dilated already and my water breaking. I hope to have some test results when I see him on Thursday, but again, I don't think that question can be answered with pathology reports.

Still working on the birth story. It's so hard to write it all out.

Blah

2009-02-20T11:45:00.002-06:00

The last couple of days have been so blah. I feel lost. I start to do something and I just wander away and forget. I feel like my life has no point or direction. If I didn't have Christian and Hailey, I don't know what I'd do. They are truly my reason for living right now.

Sydney was laid to rest on Wednesday afternoon. Her service was beautiful. My long time friend Kimber was able to put us in contact with her Pastor and he conducted the service. The kids have been taking it rather well, but on Wednesday, they finally broke down. I think the finality of it all hit them. We ended the service with them releasing balloons to Heaven for Sydney and then they just cried and cried. Their pain amplifies my pain. I hate to see my babies hurt so much.

I'm working on Sydney's birth story and more about her short life and how it has changed my life. Four months ago, before I found out I was pregnant, I didn't think I ever wanted another child. Now, she's all I want.

Sydney Alexis

2009-02-19T15:35:00.002-06:00

On February 10, 2009, at 4:30 am, my sweet baby girl Sydney Alexis came into the world. However, she was only 20 1/2 weeks gestation and not yet to the point of viability (23-24 weeks) so we knew there was nothing that could be done for her. She passed away a little over 2 hours later in my arms.