June

June starts tomorrow. I wish I could go to sleep tonight and wake up in July. Sydney was due June 26. I should be sittng here big and uncomfortable and 36 weeks pregnant. Instead I am 16 weeks into this never ending nightmare.

We had so many expectations for June. We'd really hoped to have baby in June. Christian was due in August and born in July; Hailey was due in March and born in February. I was really hoping I didn't end up with an April or May baby. I never imagined she would come in February. To me, worst case scenario was 24 weeks, a long NICU stay, and bringing home a small maybe sick baby. Never did I imagine she wouldn't make it. Never did I imagine this.

I was supposed to meet my beautiful girl in June. I was supposed to see her little face, hold her, and put her to my breast for the first time. But instead I will grieve her for the fourth month. I will miss her with every fiber of my being and I have to continue trying to figure out how to go on without her here with me.

It's there

Sydney's headstone is at the grave. It hasn't been installed into the ground, but it is in place, waiting. It is beautiful and perfect. It was so incredibly difficult to see her name on that stone. It seems to have pushed me to the brink of another breakdown.

I seem to go through phases with my grief. Some days, I'm ok. Well, as ok as I can be, functional, not crying constantly. Then something sets me off and it's downhill until I have a breakdown, have a bunch of bad days, then I work my way back to ok. I feel it there, so close, and I'm scared. What if this time it starts and doesn't stop? As much as I wish the world could stop, it can't. I have other kids to care for, a job, bills to pay, all of these responsibilities that I can't avoid.

Here are some pictures from today. A nice woman who was visiting her husband's grave offered to take a picture of the four of us. It's as close to a family picture as we can get. :(

100 days

As of today, it has been 100 days since Sydney became an angel. These have been the longest 100 days of my life. I really don't even have anything to say that I haven't said a million times already. :(

The monument company called on Tuesday. They delivered Sydney's marker on Monday and the cemetery will have it installed by the weekend. We're planning to go there tomorrow evening when I get off work to look at it and take pictures. I have new flowers and decorations to take out too. I need to go pick up some flowers I saw that I liked. I've been buying artificial flowers because I can't get out there more than once a week, sometimes not even that often depending on the weather, and I hate thinking about dead flowers sitting there until I get back with new ones. I have an issue with dead flowers. I didn't want flowers sent to her service, I hated looking at the flowers that were sent to our house. They were pretty for a few days, then they died. It was really depressing for me.

Speaking of depressing. My mother in law and sister in law are involved in an animal rescue. They have a bunch of cats and kittens (one of whom we just adopted). A couple of weeks ago, a sick mama cat gave birth to her litter and all of the kittens got sick. We went to my in-law's on Sunday evening and they were trying to keep three of the kittens alive. Two had already died the night before. I ended up holding two tiny kittens who were barely hanging on, praying that they didn't die in my arms. They ended up dying the next day. I feel so sad for that mama cat. Do animals mourn like we do? Not too long ago, Inanna posted a link to this video, which showed a mama gorilla whose baby died. She carried his little body around for a week and openly grieved for her baby. I wish that no mother, human or animal, ever had to lose their child and deal with this grief. :(

Numb

It has been three months since Sydney was here, alive, and then left. I feel so numb right now. I just don't feel anything. What is wrong with me? Maybe I've been so debilitatingly sad for so long that my emotions are broken or something.

Yesterday was a hard day, without her here, still growing within me. It was hard to get cards the kids made, knowing there will never be cards from her. It was hard to get their sweet little presents made at school, knowing she'll never go to school and bring home presents for me. It was really hard to hold the kids and hear them say, I love you, Mommy, knowing I'll never hear her say I love you.

On Sunday morning, Sydney's 3 month birthday, I woke up at 4:30 a.m. exactly. Every month so far, on the 10th, I've been awake at 4:30 for some reason. I felt her with me again, but it's not enough. I want her here, in a body, so I can hold her, kiss her, see her. We were only supposed to be meeting her in the next 6 weeks or so, not grieving her already being gone for 3 months. It isn't fair, it isn't right. But I can't even get angry about it right now. I feel so helpless and empty without her.

My tattoo

For my little butterfly, who emerged from her cocoon and flew away.

I love you, Sydney. I can't believe it has been 3 months since you lived.

Dream

I had an awful dream the other night. I was giving birth to a baby. I was delivering at 23 weeks and 4 days. My doctor handed me the baby, a boy (fully dressed in tiny jeans and a sweater for some reason) and said, I'm sorry, you were so close, maybe next time. I started to scream at him, it's only 3 days until 24 weeks, how much difference can 3 days make? But they wouldn't do anything except allow the baby to die in my arms again. I begged, pleaded, cried, yelled. Then I jumped from my hospital bed and ran to the NICU with the baby in my arms to have him saved. I don't know what happened because I woke up then. I've been haunted by it ever since. It wasn't just a nightmare for me, it was my real life 3 months ago. Except the baby I delivered too early was a girl and she was at least 3 weeks from viability instead of 3 days. :( I can't imagine ever going through this again. I want a baby, but I am terrified of getting pregnant again.

I wish I could have a dream of Sydney. I wish I could see her and hold her in my arms, even if only in my dreams.

Long week

This has been a long week full of ups and downs. I was out of town for work and kept quite busy, which was a welcome change. Distraction helps. Still, when I was alone in my hotel room each night, the sadness overcame me and I couldn't stop thinking about Sydney. Eric and I also had a huge fight with some members of his family, which was since resolved fortunately.

Last Sunday night, after arguing with my mother in law, I had a complete break down. I sobbed, I yelled, I threw things, I broke things. I was so completely sad and angry and frustrated. After my temper tantrum, I laid on the couch and cried some more while Eric cleaned up my mess. In my blind rage, I threw a cat statue that one of the kids gave me for Christmas and it broke. I felt so guilty for that. Luckily, Hailey fell asleep before my tantrum, but Christian heard it all. He was very concerned. As I laid on the couch crying, he came and put his arms around me. The way he was standing, at first, I thought it was Eric. Then I opened my eyes and realized it was him. My sweet little 7 year old boy was comforting me. He just held onto me for the longest time and gave me kisses. I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for Christian and Hailey.

I'm going in tomorrow evening for my tattoo in Sydney's memory. I have a few ideas so I went in to talk to the tattoo artist and he is going to draw up some designs for me. I know that I want her footprints and I would like something with a butterfly. It will also have her name and birthdate. I think I am going to have it put on my left calf. I already have a tattoo on my right ankle. Eventually I am also going to get something for Christian and Hailey, which I've wanted to do for a long time, but I could never decide on anything. With Sydney, it was easy. I knew I wanted her footprints. It hasn't been easy to decide on a design and I've spent hours looking at other memorial tattoos online. I may end up getting a footprint of each Christian and Hailey, since theirs were much bigger, with names and birthdates also.

It seems like there was more I wanted to say, but my mind has completely blanked now. That's so typical lately.